Fiance wants to invite someone I hate to wedding

posted 2 years ago in Guests
  • poll: Should I invite someone I hate to my wedding because my fiance wants to?
    Yes : (11 votes)
    6 %
    No : (177 votes)
    94 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    864 posts
    Busy bee

    Your Fiance wants to invite someone who verbally assaulted you to the wedding? Are you sure you want to marry this person?  

    Post # 19
    Member
    1796 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Your fiance and 10 other people watched? Nobody defended you? Don’t marry him! And get away from those “friends”!

    Post # 20
    Member
    250 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    irishgirl33 :  quite honestly, if one of my friends berated and embarrassed my Darling Husband like that, I would no longer want to be friends with that person, let alone invite them to my wedding. I would hope that Darling Husband would feel the same if the situation were reversed. I think you should put your foot down on this one. If one of DH’s friends spoke to me like that, there would be no way in hell they would get an invite to my wedding. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee

    My opinion is no she does not need to be invited.  We had a few people that were not invited because of their previous behaviors toward us.  We didn’t invite DHs grandmother because she had a history of treating several family members poorly.  We actually talked to her about it and Darling Husband and she went out for a day to spend time together.  But no wedding invite.  We also didn’t invite a female from the friend group because she had been making sexually suggestive remarks like that she and my Darling Husband had hooked up when we were younger, that he always crushed on her etc.  Not inviting her was our decision along with the decision to move on from that friendship entirely.

    Post # 22
    Member
    2332 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    I wouldn’t want to marry someone who let alone didn’t stick up for me, but then wants to let a toxic person at our wedding!?

    And yes, I think he has feelings for her

    Post # 23
    Member
    1618 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I wouldn’t invite her to a regular “at home” wedding and I would not in a million years invite her to a destination wedding where you are going to see her multiple times per day, every day and possibly at the airport and on the flights!  As pp said only close friends of you both and family are appropriate to invite to a destination wedding. 

    Sorry I wouldn’t compromise and I wouldn’t budge, I would probably even ultimatum over that in spite of her apology.  Like the others have mentioned, why didnt he stand up for you? Why didnt he stop her from yelling? Why does he still want to be friends with her? 

    Post # 24
    Member
    2486 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I am amazed and appalled. I can not imagine any universe in which Fiance would not only STAND BY and let one of his friends yell at me, but then TAKE HER SIDE and STILL BE HER FRIEND.

    Like. I can’t even get past THAT – much less the absolutely absurd fact that he wants her at your wedding, and expects YOU to be ok with that.

    I am usually not one to jump to conclusions, but I am seriously worried for you, to be marrying someone like this.

    It does not sound like you are a priority to him.

    Post # 25
    Member
    974 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    irishgirl33 :  no this is non negotiable.  I wouod tell him that if she is invited I am not coming. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    531 posts
    Busy bee

    irishgirl33 :  Even if the woman has a husband, I would be incredibly worried that I was marrying someone who might have an affair with this person later on. Is he marrying you only because she’s already taken? And was her drunken outburst over jealousy towards you?

    His not standing up for you shows exactly whom he values more. Those types of actions speak louder than words, and I don’t think I could get over that with just an apology.

    I really think you two should go to premarital counseling over  this, as others have suggested. You need to know whether he has feelings for this woman. I would not be comfortable entering into a marriage where it feel like there’s already another woman there.

    There’s no way this sounds platonic.

    Post # 27
    Member
    6807 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    You have a Fiance problem, not a fis friend problem. I would not let this person be invited and would question the relationship further that hes pushing it so far. have you tried couples/premarital counselling?

    Post # 28
    Member
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee

    I have a lot of girlfriends who have males friends they grew up with. Unfortunately, their friendships ultimately end when the male marries a female who feels threatened by other females. And that sucks. 

    However, really doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. It sounds like you tried to get along with her until she verbally assaulted you. Have you explained to your Fiance that yes, she made a mistake and yes, you forgive her. But you’re not comfortable inviting her to your wedding. If you’re serving alcohol, how will anyone ensure that she’ll behave herself? Explain that to Fiance. How will you ensure that she won’t get wasted and scream at you and ruin your wedding? 

    Post # 30
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee

    It’s hard to understand why your Darling Husband would ever, ever act like this. Does he agree with you that you are in no way to blame for the fight? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he just doesn’t want things to be awkward with his friend group. I would just tell him that after you’re married, you two are a social unit. You are two sides of the same coin, you are family. He can’t be worried about their feelings like this at the expense of your happiness. From now on it’s actually his job to prioritise you over his friends. Their feelings actually aren’t as valid as yours when you’re talking about your wedding, that’s just how it is. That doesn’t mean he can’t ever choose to spend time with them instead of you, or that you own or control him, or anything like that. It just means that from now on in, if it ever comes down to you VS a friend, you win by default, regardless of whether or not he thinks you’re right or wrong. He can have his own opinions, he can tell you privately when you think you’re doing something wrong and should apologise, but he can’t publicly “side” with the friend, he can’t “pick” the friend over you. Does he understand that? Does he understand the commitment he is making? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like it. I’d be going to counselling. When you get sick, you go to the doctor. When your car is making a weird noise, you take it to a mechanic. Your fiance is giving you a solid reason to question whether he fully understands the commitment he is about to make. Don’t be stupid and just hope for the best. Get to a pre-marriage counsellor stat. This is their job: to make sure couples go into a marriage healthy and happy and strong. 

    FWIW: I think some people don’t understand that you don’t have to be friends with anyone just because they apologise and are friends with the same people. I’ve been in a similar-ish situation with a male friend who got drunk and verbally abused me and said awful things. It was so awful I cried. He apologised a few days later, and I forgave him, but forgiving him doesn’t mean I have to be friends with him anymore. I’ll be friendly to him at social events, and that’s it. Some people are mad that I won’t “get over it”, but I just tell them that I am over it, I have forgiven him, but the consequence of that night is that I’m simply not interested in being his friend again. He showed me his true colors and I believe them. That doesn’t make me bitter, it just makes me an adult who is allowed to make my own choices about the people I spend my time with. Is he a nice guy most of the time? Sure. Do I understand that he was drunk and regrets what he did? Sure! Do I harbour any bad feelings? Nope! I just don’t want to be his friend again, simple as that.

    Post # 29
    Member
    4568 posts
    Honey bee

    I guess the better question is all of this is why are you still actively planning a wedding to a man whose apology you clearly never actually accepted because you state you “…are still fighting about this today”?

    And you never accepted her apology, clearly.  

    You don’t have to forget, but you clearly can’t forgive either of them, so then what hope is there for a relationship with either of them, but especially him?

    I get that she’s not a great person, but part of the apology process is also forgiveness and acceptance and letting go of resentment or vengeance.  What has to happen for you to be able to do that?  Because clearly the apologies weren’t enough for you.  And if he doesn’t want a life without her and you don’t want a life with her…you’re setting yourself up for failure.  This is bigger than should she be invited to your wedding. 

    At the very minimum, wedding planning should be post-poned until you can get to a place where you can legitimately accept his apology and move forward (which means no more fighting about it – forgiveness and acceptance means you don’t get to rehash the past as ammunition to throw at him) and settling on her place in your collective lives and the expectations for his treatment and loyalty to you that you can both agree upon.  No wedding planning should take place before then and if you can’t ever get to that place, then no wedding should be taking place at all.

     

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