Post # 1
My fiancee and I have recently had a lot of difficulties. He has a history of depression that has always severely affected our relationship. Last summer, him and I split up after one of his episodes and I moved back home with my parents. After two weeks of not talking to each other, and him getting somewhat involved with a friend of ours who has ‘liked’ him for awhile, he called me and confessed that he felt he had made a mistake. We didn’t move back in together for another month and a half after that, nor did we even see each other (we had about 12 hrs distance between us) except for a few skype dates, but we felt that maybe things would be better. When I moved back in with him in October, we had made plans to go to NY together over Thanksgiving, and while there, he proposed to me. From the proposal until the beginning of April (roughly four months) everything seemed to be going very well. However, out of the blue, he tried to reconnect with the friend he had had a fling with when we were separated. When I confronted him about it, he told me he wasn’t seeking any emotional involvement with her, he just missed having a friend like that in his life. We fought about it for a couple of weeks, and he did end up talking to her, (luckily(?) she’s still head over heels for him and doesn’t want to speak to him if he’s not going to be romantically involved with her because she just “doesn’t want her heart broken like that again”). Nonetheless, it did put a lot of strain on both of us. We started seeing a marriage counselor three weeks ago, and we’ve each had one individual session with her and one together session. Fiance told me through that that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he’s not sure he’s ready to be married, and he wants to move out for a bit to make sure if we get married, it’s as much for him and his happiness as it would be for mine. For now, we’ve told our close friends and family we’ve postponed the wedding, but I’m honestly terrified it will end up canceled instead. How do I fix this?
Post # 3
Seems like you have a ton of relationship problems. If you can’t manage to stick it out now… what will happen if you actually do get married?
If I were you I would break it off. If you end up getting back together down the road then so be it. It just does not sound like he is ready to commit himself to you.
Maybe his depression has a lot to do with it. If he can’t count on you to be there and support him through his depression, how can he count on you being there when you tie the knot?
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I would leave. He wasn’t sure and left over a year ago. He hooked up with a another woman. Then he came crawling back and proposed to you. Now he’s still not sure and he’s contacting the other woman. He clearly isn’t ready to be married you and I don’t think he truly ever will. Stop wasting time on this loser and find a guy who really cares about you and doesn’t hesitate to marry you the first chance he gets.
I would never trust a man that left me not once but twice because he couldn’t figure out if he really wanted to be with me. I would always be terried that I would wake up one day in a year or 5 years and he would be gone.
Post # 5
There is nothing you can do to fix this, really. These are his issues and he’s the one who needs to deal with them.
If I were you, I’d really consider cutting my losses and moving on with my life. It’s absurd that he wants to live apart in order to see if you’re ready for marriage. If he needs this much space now, he’s not ready for a real relationship at all. The fact that this will be the second time you’re moving out is a huge red flag. His involvement with this friend is also bad news and means he’s not fully committed to you.
I don’t think he’s the right guy for you, to be honest. If you let him, he’ll mess you around for years to come. The best thing for you in the long run is probably to treat moving out as a final break-up with no intent for reconciliation.
Post # 6
@jupiterfalling: I wouldn’t be okay with this. It’s like he has one foot out the door (literally and figuratively) already. Couples need to work through the inevitable problems that arise. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who was so wishy washy about the commitment – I don’t take marriage lightly.
ETA: plus the fact that if he truly loved you and was committed, he wouldn’t be sniffing around other women. That alone says he is not ready for a life long commitment. I agree withe PPs who said to cut your losses and find someone who truly deserves you.
Post # 7
Ah, the luxury he has of such security. We have a phrase in our culture that calls this type of guy someone with “Each foot sailing on two boats.”
Seriously, dump his ass.
Post # 8
I’ll make this simple: this guy is not and does not want to be committed to you. Let him go.
Post # 9
I’m afraid I agree with other Bees. I don’t think he is ready to commit if he is still trying to reconnect with this girl and now wants to move your relationship backwards again by moving out. I’ve suffered from depression in the past too, and I certainly never used it as an excuse to cheat emotionally with other men and treat my SO like dirt. He needs to be turning towards you, not away, when he is having these episodes. The fact that he can’t seem to do that makes me think you should get out now while you still can. He may be a great guy in other ways, but the way he is treating you and your relationship is not OK and his illness doesn’t change that.
Post # 10
He’s keeping you on a string and yet still keeping his options open. You deserve better than this! Don’t marry a lifetime of heartache.
Post # 11
I will also say that a wedding/marriage will not fix a relationship. If you have relationship problems before you get married, they’ll still be there afterward. I have a family member learning this the hard way.
Post # 12
Honestly, I’d leave. Sounds like he’s just stringing you along until something better comes along and now he’s going out to look for that something better. Getting married won’t fix your current relationship problems, it will just make it harder (and more expensive) to leave.
Post # 13
OP here, I guess I left this hanging a little bit. Let me fill in some more details…
Him and I have been through a whirlwind of a relationship, we actually started dating very shortly after his last relationship had ended. In that relationship, he had had a child who passed away from SIDS and was forced into an engagement he didn’t want. When his son died his fiancee became very controlling and manipulative, which he never learned to properly deal with. She was very emotionally abusive and continued to be so for the three years they were together after their son died, and even into when him and I started dating. He has a lot of issues when it comes to dealing with relationships because of that, and when things start getting serious between us is when he really freaks out. He is a good guy, even if he does has depression issues. When it comes to him talking to other women, it always happens when he’s depressed because he just wants a distraction. We have discussed this a lot, both with each other and with our counselor. I’m not interested in ‘cutting my losses’ because I do feel like that’s the easy way out. I made a commitment to him when I took that engagement ring, and I plan to stick to it for as long as we both can. I need help, both for keeping us together, and keeping myself sane for now. In the end though, I want this to work, I really, honestly do, and he does, too. He just wants to know he’s in his right state of mind when he makes these big decisions, and we both know us living together will influence him way too much.
Post # 15
@jupiterfalling: There’s no “fixing” this. Your Fiance needs to fix himself first. But you need to get out of that relationship.
Post # 16
@jupiterfalling: I made a commitment to him when I took that engagement ring, and I plan to stick to it for as long as we both can.
It’s pointless being committed to someone who’s not committed to you.
It also sounds like he wasn’t anywhere near ready for a new relationship when you met. He needs to properly deal with his depression and relationship baggage before getting serious about anyone.
I know you want this to work out, but I suspect you’re in for a lifetime of trouble if you stay with him.