(Closed) Fiance wants to move out, but stay together?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Seems like you have a ton of relationship problems. If you can’t manage to stick it out now… what will happen if you actually do get married?

 

If I were you I would break it off. If you end up getting back together down the road then so be it. It just does not sound like he is ready to commit himself to you.

 

Maybe his depression has a lot to do with it. If he can’t count on you to be there and support him through his depression, how can he count on you being there when you tie the knot?

Post # 4
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I would leave.  He wasn’t sure and left over a year ago.  He hooked up with a another woman.  Then he came crawling back and proposed to you.  Now he’s still not sure and he’s contacting the other woman.  He clearly isn’t ready to be married you and I don’t think he truly ever will.  Stop wasting time on this loser and find a guy who really cares about you and doesn’t hesitate to marry you the first chance he gets.

I would never trust a man that left me not once but twice because he couldn’t figure out if he really wanted to be with me.  I would always be terried that I would wake up one day in a year or 5 years and he would be gone.

Post # 5
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There is nothing you can do to fix this, really. These are his issues and he’s the one who needs to deal with them.

If I were you, I’d really consider cutting my losses and moving on with my life. It’s absurd that he wants to live apart in order to see if you’re ready for marriage. If he needs this much space now, he’s not ready for a real relationship at all. The fact that this will be the second time you’re moving out is a huge red flag. His involvement with this friend is also bad news and means he’s not fully committed to you.

I don’t think he’s the right guy for you, to be honest. If you let him, he’ll mess you around for years to come. The best thing for you in the long run is probably to treat moving out as a final break-up with no intent for reconciliation.

Post # 6
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@jupiterfalling:  I wouldn’t be okay with this. It’s like he has one foot out the door (literally and figuratively) already. Couples need to work through the inevitable problems that arise. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who was so wishy washy about the commitment – I don’t take marriage lightly.

ETA: plus the fact that if he truly loved you and was committed, he wouldn’t be sniffing around other women. That alone says he is not ready for a life long commitment. I agree withe PPs who said to cut your losses and find someone who truly deserves you.

Post # 7
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ah, the luxury he has of such security.  We have a phrase in our culture that calls this type of guy someone with “Each foot sailing on two boats.”

Seriously, dump his ass.

Post # 8
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ll make this simple: this guy is not and does not want to be committed to you.  Let him go.

Post # 9
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m afraid I agree with other Bees. I don’t think he is ready to commit if he is still trying to reconnect with this girl and now wants to move your relationship backwards again by moving out. I’ve suffered from depression in the past too, and I certainly never used it as an excuse to cheat emotionally with other men and treat my SO like dirt. He needs to be turning towards you, not away, when he is having these episodes. The fact that he can’t seem to do that makes me think you should get out now while you still can. He may be a great guy in other ways, but the way he is treating you and your relationship is not OK and his illness doesn’t change that.

 

Post # 10
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

He’s keeping you on a string and yet still keeping his options open.  You deserve better than this!  Don’t marry a lifetime of heartache. 

Post # 11
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@beachbride1216:  Agreed.

I will also say that a wedding/marriage will not fix a relationship. If you have relationship problems before you get married, they’ll still be there afterward. I have a family member learning this the hard way.

Post # 12
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, I’d leave.  Sounds like he’s just stringing you along until something better comes along and now he’s going out to look for that something better.  Getting married won’t fix your current relationship problems, it will just make it harder (and more expensive) to leave.

Post # 15
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@jupiterfalling:  There’s no “fixing” this.  Your Fiance needs to fix himself first.  But you need to get out of that relationship.

Post # 16
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jupiterfalling:  I made a commitment to him when I took that engagement ring, and I plan to stick to it for as long as we both can. 

It’s pointless being committed to someone who’s not committed to you.
 
It also sounds like he wasn’t anywhere near ready for a new relationship when you met. He needs to properly deal with his depression and relationship baggage before getting serious about anyone.
 
I know you want this to work out, but I suspect you’re in for a lifetime of trouble if you stay with him.

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