Fiancé wants to stop having sex before marriage

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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ginnyb98 :  It sounds like this is really important to him and honestly if this is his decision you either need to accept it or move on because you can’t force or coerce him. Now that its all out in the open that’s a really good thing. You know his reasons so you don’t need to feel rejected or anything like that. Im in a LDR too and we only see eachother once a year…it’s a long stretch without sex but honestly there’s other ways to be intimate. You can still have affection and all that good stuff 🙂

Post # 3
Member
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ok I see a few issues here:

1) Communication. It seems clear your fiance was not actually okay with continuing to have sex, even though he may have agreed to it in your convos about it. It’s shitty that rather than speaking to you directly about how he felt, he pretended to go along with the agreement to keep havng sex for awhile, only to lash out angrily when you’d try to iinitiate. That’s really bad communication and unfair of him. But I think you also need to reevaluate your own role in this. Did you get the vibe that your fiance was fully on board with continuing to be intimate during the multiple convos you had about this, or was there a part of you that could tell he wasn’t cool with it? 

2) In my opinion, if you guys have mutually agreed to abstain before the wedding for religious reasons, you should stop right now. I feel like if you’re going to make a decision like this, you need to be all-in, not putting all these loopholes in it like “well the marriage is still a ways away, might as well keep having sex until [arbitrary deadline].” Otherwise what is the point? Either do the thing or don’t do it, but muddling about in the middle isn’t a good solution; it kinda defeats the point.

3) That being said…are you really okay with abstaining? How do you really feel about marrying a man who seems to have much stronger religious convictions than you (convictions which seem to be growing in intensity)? I think you need to do some serious introspection on all of this. 

good luck bee!

Post # 5
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

So he has explained his feeling, now you have to decide if this is the relationship you want.  One benefit of not having sex with him is that you make sure you are compatible in non-sexual ways.  Like sexual compatibility can cover up other important incompatibilities.  You could look at this as an opportunity to be sure this is the right relationship for you.

Like you said, you can’t force him to sleep with you and if he feels strongly about this,  I would also respect his decision.  On the other hand, if the lack of sex is a deal-breaker for you,  then you may want to move on. 

Post # 7
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

See, this is where sex muddies things. The lack of sex isn’t the primary issue, the primary issue is his and your religious convictions and whether or not they are compatible. He seems to be going through a phase of self-reflection and self-discovery. His getting up and leaving indicates that he’s ashamed of his desires. Is he sure about his religious convictions, or is he trying to figure them out? I would have that discussion instead of just receding to “we can’t have sex”.

EDIT: If you think his getting baptized and religious enthusiasm are “exciting because it’s new” – indicating you think it will fade over time? – I wouldn’t want to be on either side of this relationship.

Post # 9
Member
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ginnyb98 :  You could be right that the excitement will fade – new converts do tend to be in a sort of passionate honeymoon phase that sometimes dulls. But it also often does not dull at all. I grew up in the Orthodox Christian church (I was born into it, not a convert) and have seen this play out both ways. I think you need to be careful that you don’t underestimate the long-term role that your fiance’s religious conviction may play in your marriage. I certainly would not marry him under the assumption that this is just a “phase.”

As to your other point, okay, but clearly he is super conflicted about this because his convictions are growing, not fading. It seems that while he still has sexual desires (of course), he does not want to have sex anymore until you are married. Can you live with that?

Post # 12
Member
1903 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

We are both practicing Catholics and we dated for seven years before we got married and we waited until marriage to make love. This was real important to us it was something we talked about.  Start by talking to him about your feelings, communication is key in any relationship 

Post # 13
Member
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ginnyb98 :  Thing about a getting a new car. It’s super exciting and you take such good care of it the 1st year. But after the 3rd, you have no problem eating in it, throwing trash in it and being like I’ll clean it at the end of the week. 

Girl, no. This can happen yes but you’re making a HUGE assumption that it’s going to happen with your fiance. I grew up in a religious household – my parents are every bit as intense in their religion as they were 32 years ago when I was born. They fast during lent, they go to church every sunday and multiple times a week during lent, etc. I really am getting the vibe that you’re digging your head in the sand a bit with this and just telling yourself over and over again that “this is a phase, he’ll loosen up in time” – when there is absolutely no guarantee that will happen.

I think premarital counseling is a good idea for you. If you’re getting married in either the Orthodox or Catholic church, I’d imagine that will be a requirement, and the topic of religion in your marriage will be discussed in depth. 

Post # 14
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

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ginnyb98 :  I don’t really agree with your last post about abstaining from sex before the marriage leading to a warped idea of sex. It could be the case but it doesn’t have to be; it depends entirely upon the couple’s communication, desire for, and respect for each other. Dating is a time of discernment and often, having sex can impair your ability to objectively evaluate compatibility.

My SO and I live together but do not have sex, of any kind. Resisting it has been a temptation for us, so we are not worried about after the wedding. We are affectionate in other ways, which satisfies our desire for physical intimacy without having sex.

You say you’re Catholic – I would encourage you to check out Catholic resources on the topic, including ForYourMarriage. I don’t agree with all Catholic teaching regarding sexual ethics, but the concepts are valuable and helpful.

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