Fiance wants us to combine finances after wedding but I don't

posted 3 weeks ago in Finances
Post # 2
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

Stick to your guns. This is something to be worked out before making it legal. There is nothing wrong with either approach but both parties need to be 100% on the same page when it comes to finances (combined, separate or whatever). Don’t let him, tradition  or anyone else pressure your decision. Do what’s right for YOU. 

Post # 3
Member
5411 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

This is a huge issue that needs to be ironed out before marriage.  This is about more than a joint or personal accounts, he sees money as “our” money whereas you don’t. 

 I prefer to not have my expenses scrutinized by anyone

This attitude gets more difficult after marriage as your life starts to mesh together more.  What happens when you need to save for a car, or a house, or emergency repairs or one of you gets laid off?  I think joint or separate accounts can both work as long as there is a shared attitude to money. If you don’t see everything as “our money” you need to consider how you would tackle situations like this.  What about saving, is one of you a spender and one a saver? 

Why don’t you chat about having a joint account and separate accounts as a compromise?

My husband and I are recently married and were together for 9 years before our wedding so I get feeling independent and having your own way of doing things. We still have our individual accounts but we probably keep 20% of our salaries in that account and the rest is split between a joint account or joint savings. 

I appreciate why he wants to do it but I also see so many couples splitting over money matters. 

Couples don’t split up because they have a joint account or separate, the main issue is being on the same page and that can be done either way.  The key thing is considering your partner in financial decision, blowing all your savings on a new car and then your husband having to pay for home repairs –  that’s the kind of thing that creates problems. 

Also I completely disagree with the previous poster, you don’t need to ignore what he wants you do what’s right for YOU.  This isn’t an individual situation and this isn’t about one partner or the other, it is about coming together as a couple to figure out what works for you both. 

Post # 4
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

mel76 :  Even if married with separate accounts, will he still scrutinize your finances, or is he scrutinizing them already? You may still run into disagreements. I think I would be hesitant to marry someone who insisted on controlling my money. I think finances and how you spend, budget, and invest your money is something you both have to be on the same page about. A joint account or separate accounts isn’t going to prevent disagreements. 

Post # 7
Member
5411 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

mel76 :  If you view everything as individual funds then at some point an element of “fairness” is going to creep in.  He pays the electricity bill oen quarter, you pay the next, except his was $500 and yours was $290.  It creates this constant back and forth and keeping track which move people can’t be bothered with.  You have to remember expenses to make sure it’s roughly equal “Groceries were $80 so you owe $40…but you covered gas the other day… but then I bought those train tickets”. 

If you weren’t bothered about things being fair or proportional then you wouldn’t be so against “joint” money, it isn’t impossible but it will cause more problems imo.

What are your reasons for not having both a joint account and an individual?  I’m not saying this is the only way, but it seems like the clear compromise between what you want and what your fiance wants. 

He doesn’t scrutnize my expenses. But joining accounts could lead to that in the future unless you track how much you both are putting in each 

Of course you would keep track of how much you were each putting in, because that would be a decision you come to together. If you both earn equal amount making you both put in 1.5k.  If there is a desparity in income maybe you put in 1.7k and he puts in 1.3k. 

Post # 8
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Its good that this came up before the marriage and you’re right OP that many a marriage has been broken due to the subject of money.  However, it really isn’t money that’s the problem.  Its your attitudes and expectations of each other with regards to finances.  This is where good communication is vital and where you may need help.

I think a marriage counselor would  help you navigate this situation along with a finacial advisor.  Both in their own way, can help you and FH come to a compromise in handling shared finances.

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2019

We have separate accounts and he just pays me a set amount each month which covers his share of everything. As for incidentals like treats and days out etc we don’t have a system, we just do whatever works at the time. Usually me covering it as I make more, and that’s fine by me. 

i think as long as you agree who is responsible for what and both are happy with the approach decided and/or able to speak up about it if not,  then go for it. If you can’t come to an agreement or compromise then that is a different issue and maybe you can speak to someone professional about that if you think it needs it. Hope you work it out 

Post # 12
Member
5411 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

mel76 :  Okay, but as I have said the issue isn’t really joint account vs not, the problem is how you and your fiance view money.  That is what will cause issues in your marriage.  You can’t have one spouse viewing money as joint and having joint financial goals and the other thinking everything as “mine”. 

Do you earn equal amounts right now?  Taking it in turns is one way of doing it when everything is equal but what if one of you gets laid off and ends in a much lower paying job, would you be prepared to support him financially? 

Post # 15
Member
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

What I don’t like is the reasoning that you don’t think your spending is any of your husband’s concern and that you should not be open with one another when it comes to the big picture or major purchases.  If you are an overspender and an undersaver then it will ultimately affect his future, too. 

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