Fiance wants us to combine finances after wedding but I don't

posted 2 months ago in Finances
Post # 76
Member
3043 posts
Sugar bee

mel76 :  Its different for every couple. Hopefully you guys can find some middleground on this issue. Maybe by having one joint account you deposit into for monthly expenses?

Ours are separate. if there was some reason or convienence for joining them together, maybe id consider. But why change what has been working? Seems like a hassle to change things over and add names and switch banks

It works great for some couples, but i also see it work against some couples (personalities come into play obviously) but my friend gets a text like “what did you buy from target” or “why did you go here” i dont think its in a mad way, just general wondering but those would piss me right off. 

i dont think my husband would ever be that way, but i just know i would constantly keep track of whos is whos and would be more work for me mentally lol. 

I pay most bills (car, utility, insurance, phone etc.), he pays the mortgage and we take turns on groceries. If we need help covering something or have to pay some emergency repair – we will just transfer it. 

Post # 77
Member
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

The reaction would be

“he’s cheating”

“I wouldn’t want a man that wasn’t generous”

“keeping finances a secret? Red flag”

etc etc KittyYogi :  

Post # 78
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My husband and I kept our individual accounts but also created a joint savings account into which we deposit the same amount from each of our paychecks every month – this is our house fund. We also opened a joint credit card that we use for all shared expenses like groceries, travel, etc. to get points, and when the bill is due we each pay a portion – usually 50-50 – from our respective individual accounts. He sends me his share of the rent over Venmo each month and I write the check for the landlord, and we each pay a portion of the utilities/phone bill – split up to be even. In part this is just easier for us since it’s how we did it before marriage, and in part we want to keep building good credit. We also made a spreadsheet where we tallied up our monthly expenses so we could get a sense of how much was reasonable to save. He has a lot more student loan debt than I do, I have a gym membership, my work covers transportation costs but his doesn’t, etc.

He knows I shop more than he does and while he doesn’t see my spending because it comes from my personal account, he trusts me not to go overboard and he doesn’t criticize my choices. Maybe we’ll fully join accounts when we have kids and thus more expenses, but I think that what works for each couple is probably going to be different. I get not wanting your husband to be able to monitor your every purchase if you think he’ll be critical or judgmental, but that’s actually a different issue for the two of you to address. Have you asked him to explore his reasoning for wanting to fully join accounts? Does he feel like things aren’t fair now?

Post # 79
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

L606 :  those check-ins can also be helpful for preventing fraud though. I saw a charge that seemed out of the ordinary and texted my husband about it – turns out his account had been hacked! We shut it down quickly and all was good. At least for us it wasn’t “why did you spend that” it is more “did you spend $50 at this store you never usually go to?”

Exceptions being around holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. We agree to not look at the joint accounts for about a week before so that gifts stay a surprise. 

Post # 81
Member
14947 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

As commited as you may be living together, I think some people see marriage as the ultimate commitment, the forever when lives get intertwined completely.  You say you want to keep everything separate, but if one of you loses your job, the other will of course step in and ‘help’ out.  What do you do in this case?  Do you keep a ledger and pay the other one back?  If you want to go on vacation together and your finances are seprate, what happens if one of you “can’t afford it” and one can and really wants to go?  Do they go by themselves?  Do they not go?  Do they pay for the other to go cause they want to experience it with their spouse?  If he’s a huge saver and you spend more and have less savings…. at the end of the road when youre both retired and he can afford to do more, does he live it up big and leave you to fend for yourself?  Or do you get to enjoy his money too?  

These are things we asked ourselves when we thought about separating finances or just combining everything and not keeping track.  At the end of the day our answers basically looked like combined.  He would not leave me high and dry to be in debt, or eat ramen if I lost my job.  He wouldn’t keep track.  If my spending account had nothing and he had 20k, he wouldn’t go on vacation without me, make me pay him back, or sacrafice and experience he wanted to have with me.  And so on and so on.

And with us… I am also the spender (though still fairly frugal imo… I do have my splurges though) and he just doenst have a lot of wants and basically buys nothing.  He does not analyze my day to day spending, or my random spending.  I can spend anything I find reasonable wihtout question… because we are on the same page and he trust that I am reasonable with my spending.   The *only* thing he hates is my handbag splurges (500+)… and that I run by him.  In the end, he’s never said no, cause he knows that if I’m willing to spend the money on it, then I must REALLY want it (and it only happens every few years).   For us, it’s not even the amount, it’s the need and item.  I needed a new camera, so just as I bought it I yelled over to him, I’m spending $500 bucks on a camera! And he just said ok.  I *want* a new TV, not need, and told him I found a great deal on one for $700… and he said ok, go get it… and in the end, *I* didn’t go get it cause I ultimately didnt need it.  So he may not be a spender, but that doesnt mean he is goign to scrutize every penny you spend, and just has to trust in you imo.

 

Post # 82
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

coffeecakez :  

Read it more carefully.

The dire warning that is constantly bandied about around here is that if you marry a partner with debt, that debt becomes yours.  This is not true.  The only scenario in which joint liability can potentially attach is during marriage.

And that only happens in community property states, of which there are just eight. The debt would have to have been incurred for community expenses, not individual personal charges.

Individual states have their own rules.  But, the general belief that if you marry someone with, debt, it automatically attaches to you is absolutely false.

Perhaps it’s a bit too nuanced.

 

Post # 83
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

KittyYogi :  

Is there a reason that you feel the need to use snide subtext aimed at me rather than posting something helpful or informative?

I am flattered by the attention, of course, as always.

Post # 84
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

browneyedgirl24 :  

Actually, he sucked money out of our joint savings to pay for household things like groceries.  So cool that you remembered that!

It turned out to be sleep apnea and he did have damage to a couple of memory centers.

Post # 85
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

sassy411 :   “The common myth that all debt incurred post nuptials is joint debt is just that; a myth.  In the US, each spouse can obtain credit in their own name that does not become the responsibility of the other spouse.”

I provided a link that showed exactly how debts incurred post-nuptially can become joint debt: Having your name on an account, having the debt being seen as something that’s for the household such as a car,  living in community property states, or having creditors come after marital assets.  Your response:

“The dire warning that is constantly bandied about around here is that if you marry a partner with debt, that debt becomes yours.  This is not true.”  I wasn’t responding to advice given elsewhere on the boards. I was responding directly to you claiming post-nupital debts being joint debt is a myth.  There are simply many ways debt incurred by one partner becomes the other’s headache.  This is directly relevant to OP’s position of wanting to keep separate finances after marriage.

But sure, I’m the one who needs to read more closely. undecided

Post # 86
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mel76 :  

It sounds as if you may be at an impasse here.  You’re coming into this marriage with entirely different views about money.  That’s one of the really big ones.

Maybe counseling is the way to go.

 

Post # 87
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

coffeecakez :  

Eight states.  Eight states in which it can be done.

Post # 88
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

mel76 :  He just thinks it’s what you do when you marry, and that everything becomes ‘ours’ not ‘mine or yours’.

 

In this case, you two have a fundamental disagreement on how you view marriage, and I highly suggest seeing a therapist to hash it out. I have the same views as your husband, and would be very upset if my husband wanted to enter marriage with a sense of “mine” and “yours”. Again, that’s not taking shots at the idea of separate versus joint accounts (which, at it’s core, is just a matter of budgeting/allotting money), but if he has the expectation that it’s “our” money/retirement/finances and you feel strongly that it’s “mine” and “yours” while you cohabitate, those are alarmingly different perspectives/outlooks and that needs to be addressed. I do think it’s worth asking yourself why you’re 100% fine with hitching your horse to him financially in a whole host of ways (taxes, credit, retirement, life insurance, etc) while the thought of doing so in a much less significant way (a joint bank account) seems so alarming. 

Post # 89
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee

sassy411 :  My cousin is in one of those states and when her husband unexpectantly passed away, he left a ton of debt.  Her lawyer told her to move all money out of the joint accounts and into accounts with her name only.  Since the credit card debt was only in his name and there was $0 in the joint accounts, the creditors couldn’t come after her.

There are also ways around that.

Post # 90
Member
2677 posts
Sugar bee

pinkshoes :  If you want to go on vacation together and your finances are seprate, what happens if one of you “can’t afford it” and one can and really wants to go?

Keeping finances separate does not mean you aren’t a team and work together.

My fiance and I keep things separate.  He makes a lot more than I do and if I get to a point where I can’t afford something, i ask him to help out.  

If it’s a vacation, I will contribute what I can and he will pay the rest.  I typically pay for a lot on the front end because he likes to pay for incidentals once we are there.  

If I’m struggling to fund my IRA, he will give me money to max out my contribution for the year because he wants to make sure I can retire around the same time as him (he’s 15 years older than I am)

I pay for his bus pass each month and he pays for the car payments.  

But we do not comingle any accounts.  We are completely separate with no plans to combine.  

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