Fiance wants us to combine finances after wedding but I don't

posted 3 weeks ago in Finances
Post # 121
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

Bee – I think you’re missing the forrest for the trees here. Right now it’s easy to say “well it works for us so far and I like the shop more than he does so why shake the boat”, but life is long and it only gets more and more complex. PPs have mentioned lay offs, retirement timing, kids, pets, etc but there’s even more to think about. I’ve been married 6 months and I went back to school for a masters which will help me earn significantly more but of course costs money and means reduced income while I pursue it. We are relying on my husbands income to support it and have reduced retirement contributions during the degree to avoid taking on debt. None of these decisions would have been possible without joint accounts. Home ownership, inheritances, potential windfalls and emergencies all may come up over your marriage. 

We’re not saying any dollar you own needs to be physically joint, but your spending decisions effect your team and you need a plan for how to deal with that. 

Post # 122
Member
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

soexcited123 :  That’s fine if that’s the arrangement. Personally, I preferred to  wait until after marriage to combine finances, to buy a home, and to have children, for many reasons, emotional, practical, and legal. 

Post # 123
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

crustyoldbee :  

This is really the nub of the thing.  What is right is whatever both parties agree that they want. The Swarm is outraged, yet again, over nothing.

If both halves of a couple decide that they are both perfectly comfortable with one partner keeping 100% of their income in a secret Swiss numbered account, so be it.  Fair enough.  Who the hell am I do judge?

The core issue here is how OP and her fiancé can negotiate their very different feelings and attitudes around money.  OP did not come here seeking a ruling.

Money is an enormously complex issue and heavily loaded with emotional content.  That’s why I will stay with my earlier suggestion about couples’ counseling. It’s important that OP and her fiancé make sure that they are compatible on this issue.

 

Post # 124
Member
5409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t know why you keep repeating this patronising attitude about the “swarm” and how if both partners are happy what’s the big deal. Both parthers are not happy, that is the whole point of the post. This isn’t about both partners being fine with secret finances, this is one spouse who wants that and the other does not, hence bees giving OP suggestions on why her fiancé might feel that way and ideas on a compromise. 

Both partners being happy is a completely redundant point since that isn’t the case here at all. 

sassy411 :  

Post # 125
Member
7676 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

L606 :  so most of our cards are separate – we use personal capital to aggregate everything so we can both see it all. We didn’t want to mess with our credit histories so our cards are the same from before we met. We can log into our individual accounts anytime, but I won’t look at PC leading up to gift giving events. We don’t really worry about hiding the cost of gifts from each other though – we both care more about the thought into the gift.

I’m definitely the saver and he’s the spender. But we also have lots of big dreams and plans that need lots of money! I cannot stand listening him to complain that some goal feels out of reach when he spends money on dumb crap so, for us, a little nagging isn’t a bad thing overall. We put everything in terms of another goal when evaluating whether it’s worth the cost. But we wouldn’t hit our step goals if we just completely ignored the other’s spending. 

Post # 126
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

We have separate personal accounts and we have a joint account that we use for house bills. Every month we each deposit equal amounts into the account and the mortgage, utilities, each of our car’s insurance comes out of that account. I have no idea how much money he has in his personal account and vice versa. This has been working for us for years.

Post # 127
Member
824 posts
Busy bee

zzar45 :  I think you totally missed what sassy was saying-  she was saying that the Bees are focusing on criticizing OP’s preference (even accusing her of wanting to hide things from her spouse) when the issue here is precisely that they’re not on the same page. This thread is becoming about whether OP is right or her fiance is right. Sassy was saying that there is no one singular ‘right’ way of doing it, it’s that they’re not in agreement that is the crux of things: 

“The core issue here is how OP and her fiancé can negotiate their very different feelings and attitudes around money.  OP did not come here seeking a ruling.

Money is an enormouslyThe core iss complex issue and heavily loaded with emotional content.  That’s why I will stay with my earlier suggestion about couples’ counseling. It’s important that OP and her fiancé make sure that they are compatible on this issue.”

 I think you focused on the word ‘swarm’ and it threw off your reading comprehension. 

Post # 128
Member
5409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

 I think you focused on the word ‘swarm’ and it threw off your reading comprehension.“

Nope it didnt affect my reading comprehension, but well done on being just as patronising.

I also disagree that the thread has become about OP or her fiancé being right, I think 95% of the posts have suggested that the ideal lies somewhere in the middle. Very few people have told OP she should do fully joint finances so I don’t see how anyone is implying her fiancé is right and she is wrong. 

You can have separate accounts, but frankly feeling like your money is none of your spouse’s business does imply you want to hide things. 

crustyoldbee :  

Post # 129
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

zzar45 :  I agree. The criticism was never about “how” to do finances (there’s a million different ways) it’s about the fact that OP doesn’t see money as a joint asset- thus degrading the sense of partnership in the future marriage.

I’ll venture to say that I do think there’s a right and wrong in this situation- handling  money as a joint asset is always the correct way- doesn’t really matter how you do it though. Have as many accounts as you want- but if you try to withhold your finances, that is NOT a solution.

Post # 131
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

mel76 :  Glad you two came to an agreement that works for both of you. 

Post # 132
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

  That doesn’t sound like a compromise because you said he wanted fully joint finances? If he’s happy doing it your way though, that’s great.

Post # 133
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

beetobe27 :  Seriously. She gets to keep her spending habits (and let’s face it, if she’s so defensive about them, it’s probably because there’s a problem) and he just caves in. 

Post # 134
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

DogsAndWine :  It seems like a pattern actually. If you read her other thread, she didn’t like her FH’s heirloom engagement ring that he got for her from his family when she said it was gorgeous, so now he’s returning that and asked her to choose what she likes and he’ll get it.

Post # 135
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

My fiancé and I decided to open a joint account to put our savings in and our left over money from the wedding including checks people gave us. We will figure out a number that both of us can contribute to that fund each month. We also agreed that we have an independent spending cap. If either of us wants to spend 1,000 on something we have to discuss it. Anything under that is up to us individually. We will keep splitting bills like we always have with me venmo’ing him for half the rent, splitting groceries etc. 

 

mel76 :  

crustyoldbee :  and I’m with you and sassy on this. That particular poster often is cruel and overly critical of posters and derails many posts by focusing on how “horrible” one fact of the OP’s post makes them as a person thereby ignoring the actual question asked. The derailing does create a swarm in other posters following that lead and make people not want to be on this site. It’s sad. 

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