Fiance was crying on my shoulder about another girl. Help and advice appreciated

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

lostandhurt : This story is phoney baloney as hell from beginning to end. None of the suposed cause-and-effect in this mess adds up, and this man has you so turned around that you’re questioning how you experience reality!

Best case scenario: your fiance is an erratic fool who thrives on drama and who wants you to wipe his tears/kiss his ass on command with no explanation. Who needs that shit?

Post # 17
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Shady as all hell.

My guess- he cheated on you, felt bad and this is him trying to explain it away. Don’t marry him.

Post # 18
1365 posts
Bumble bee

Fitzy :  This was my first thought too, sadly.

OP, leave. Absolutely no good can come of this. It’s so shady I don’t even know where to start. You don’t want to marry this man. 

I think if you were to speak to this person you’d get a very different story. I’m not typically an advocate for contacting mistresses/girlfriends/whatever but personally in this case, if you know who it is, I think I’d reach out to know for sure what’s up. Regardless of the answer, though, I’d be done.

Post # 19
411 posts
Helper bee

Also, for me when someone refuses counseling at the absolute BEST they aren’t interested in fixing the relationship and that is the best case scenario.

Deleting his FB and all the texts, yeah, he’s def cheating and my guess is has been for some time.

Post # 20
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s been cheating on you for at the very least the last few weeks. I think his new girl probably found out he had another girlfriend and dumped him and that’s why FB got deleted so she can’t link you two together and give you the dirty details. 

Post # 21
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Honest people don’t need to cover their tracks. An honest person would get this bent up about having to reject another woman’s advances, nor would he feel the need to lie to you about it, or hide anything. This really should be as easy as “I’m flattered, but not interested. I’m very happy in my relationship.” but instead, it’s as complicated as “Quit asking questions and SUPPORT ME!!! 😭😭😭 *sob*” That’s not a good sign. He may be a physical or emotional cheater (and I think he probably is), or he could just be a dishonest queef. Either way, he’s not marriage material. Save yourself the divorce and walk away. 

Post # 22
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly, I would have been having major discussions with my fiance if he blew me off several weekends in a row, for that reason alone. That is my biggest pet peeve…when someone takes me for granted.

You add into it this sketchy AF coworker drama and nope, denied. I would tell him you’re out.

ETA: Agree with PP on the theory that he’s been cheating on you for the past few weekends, and for whatever reason the affair has ended, which is why he’s come crawling tearfully back. He’s a coward and a piece of shit.

Post # 23
76 posts
Worker bee

Hope your ok bee, you seem like you’ve got your head screwed on as youve not been taken in by what he said, my answer would be to leave, but if you need futhur proof I’d message the girl in question, you said yourself that you named her straight off right, so you must have some inclination that something was a miss! 

Leave his sorry ass and go treat yourself to a holiday! You deserve better!

Post # 24
3092 posts
Sugar bee

So he lied to you over and over by lying about being sick and cancelled plans with you on multiple occasions because someone hit on him.Then he refuses to tell you any details and gaslights you in the process.And instead of giving two shits about how you feel, he instead wants reassurance about the other chick. 

And you seriously don’t know what to do?

Post # 25
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

While I do believe he cheated, even if he hadn’t, it is so difficult to get that trust back. I’ve been in a relationship without trust, and it dragged me down every day. Now I am with a man I implicitly trust, and I feel so much more supported and confident. 

Post # 26
11456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

What things does he allege that this girl said about him that he now wants you to repudiate? This should be very telling.

Post # 28
3380 posts
Sugar bee

lostandhurt :  if he wasn’t physically cheating, HE was the one who was super into HER, and is now butt hurt that she called him a loser. In no way is this about him rejecting her. It is so gross. 

Post # 29
160 posts
Blushing bee

Best case scenario he is a socially inept loser for being unable to anticipate how his behavior would make you feel and what it would make you think…

Post # 30
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What I’m curious about is why he told you at all. The only explanation I can think of is that someone (probably the girl) gave him a “you tell her, or I will” ultimatum.

The fact that he’s deleted his texts is very telling. If it really was all innocent and this girl propositioned him out of the blue, he’d show you the texts. He deleted the texts because he had something to hide.

You can, if you like, request him to show you the log of his phone usage, which will show exactly when he called and texted her (like on those weekends he was allegedly sick).

But, like nearly everyone else here, I think it’s a lost cause. Sadly, the lying and deleting of texts tells me he’s been cheating to some degree. (By “cheating” I don’t mean necessarily having sex). Time to leave him.

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