Post # 1
Need some advice… how long do I wait? My now fiance proposed Jan ’14. With the ring on the finger, I was willing to change jobs and move to his city. Yay! That was March. Shortly after I moved in, we had a series of arguments which looking back I attribute to “adjusting” to living together. We’ve been well-adjusted and happy for several months now. Everything’s back on track, right!? … Wrong. The other day, I asked my fiance about a date, thinking that if we were going to get married in the spring at our selected destination, we’d have to start planning pretty much now. Well, he dropped the bomb on me that he’s not sure enough about our relationship yet to set a date (referencing previous fights). I asked him how long do we have to be on a “good” streak before proceeding with a date, and he said I don’t know. Separately in the counselor’s office, he got borderline irate that I was “pressuring” him. It was the second time I mentioned it. Ever.
So I figure I need to give it some time & space. But how much time before I bring it up again? And, I’ve been toying with the idea that the 1-year engagement anniversary would be my Walk Date. What do you think? Need a good strategy!
Post # 2
You’re thinking of walking after 1 year of being engaged?? That doesn’t sound like you’re ready to be married either.
I would not worry about date setting right now and focus on making your relationship stronger. You both need to be on the same page.
Post # 3
ellejoy1: Aw this sucks. He doesn’t want to get married. There really isn’t anything you can do about that. Trying to be on your best behaviour so he’ll set a date is no way to live and is not how a relationship should be.
It sounds like you are already in counseling, maybe you can find out when (or if) he’ll ever be ready to get married at all. Not in an accusatory way, but just to figure out where his head is. Does he feel like he’s too young? It just that he doesn’t want to marry you? Does he want to buy a house first? Find out what his hangups are and then you’ll better be able to decide if you should leave or stick it out.
Bottomline, he shouldn’t have proposed if he didn’t feel ready. Bad move on his part.
Post # 4
I’m guessing he felt ready to marry you, you moved in, had a series of fights (all normal when adjusting) and maybe now he’s scared and not sure. It’s the reason why I think it’s beneficial to move in before you’re engaged. You get to know if you two really are compatible and able to live with each other. I feel like if I got married first, I would be determined to stick it through and make the marriage work. If I got engaged, and then moved in, I would definitely want to get passed the “bad times” before the wedding, just in case we came across anything that we couldn’t work out.
Maybe that’s how he’s feeling. He feels nervous and wants to make sure you two really are solid before making the final commitment.
Personally, I don’t get “walk dates” and I think if you are ready to walk after a year, then you’re probably not as ready to marry him as you think you are. You shouldn’t be impatient for the wedding, you should be concerned that your relationship isn’t solid right now.
Post # 5
Is it possible he proposed so that you would be willing to move? And maybe he is comfortable just with that and doesn’t want to get married? I believe a proposal is the time to evaluate the future of a relationship, so he should not have taken that step if he wasn’t sure. A “period of adjustment” that includes some arguments (which DH and I also went through) should not rock the boat of you have a stable relationship and a desire to get married. Focusing on making your relationship better is one thing, but if you want different things for your future together, it’s best to figure it out now. I would make sure he actually WANTS to get married before you proceed. He cant propose and make a commitment to you, and then just take it back because you had a few arguments (unless they were over something serious that would cause him to reevaluate everything.) He should have been ready to set the date after proposing. Good luck.
Post # 6
After getting engaged Iwould also be expecting some sort of timeline. You don’t have to choose a specific date (April 14, 2016) but I would want to be hearing something along the lines of ‘In a few years’ or ‘maybe next year’ or even ‘after I’m out of debt’ etc. Some sort of estimate. It seems like he proposed and the moving in didn’t go as smoothly as he wanted so now he’s trying to wait and see if stuff gets better. What’s the rush on the wedding?
Post # 7
You’re ready to walk after a year of being engaged?
Did either of you discuss a timeline for your engagement before becoming engaged? A walk date is ridiculous, walk or don’t. Don’t play a little game and set a date and hope he does what you want in the meantime.. You don’t sound ready for marriage.
You don’t need a ‘strategy’, you need maturity and open and honest conversation.
Post # 8
I agree with the comments that the focus should be on having a solid relationship first. In my opinion, we’re good, – obviously he has his concerns. I don’t think this is anything we can’t navigate. I’d be happy with something squishy like Spring 2016 as a target & do the planning later. I guess it’s just killing me to not have something out there, fearing I’ll be waiting forever. Wish there was some way to not worry about it & put it out my mind & give him the space to let him come around.
All your thoughtful replies are much appreciated! Thank you for the support!!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
Oh gosh ellejoy1: I’m so sorry. Yes, it totally sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. That he got engaged maybe due to pressure and now is having second thoughts about everything. Someone who truly wants to marry you, would have no doubt in his mind and would be eager to set a date, even if it’s 2-3 years down the road.
Honestly, I think you should sit down and have a serious heart to heart. Do not get emotional. Be open to whatever he has to say, good or bad. You need to ask him what his fears are about marriage, what is he disliking about your relationship. LET HIM TALK and get out everything. Ask questions without being emotional. You need to talk through and alleviate any fears he may have. Marriage has to be right for both of you. If he’s not feeling completly in love with you to marry you, then you need to accept it and make an exit plan quickly.
(((big hug))) I know it hurts to even hear that but you really need to sit down and calmly talk about what he is feeling and alleviate his fears if it is to move forward.
Post # 10
ellejoy1: Walk. If you wanted to spend forever with this man you wouldn’t be thinking of walking.
Post # 11
I think that if you truly want to marry someone, then a few arguments don’t freak you out. If he’s freaked out by a few arguments, he’s not the right guy for you. After some major arguments, I can still ask my DH immediately afterwards ”Are you still happy you married me?” or before we got married ”Do you still want to marry me?”.. He’d always give a firm yes. So.. seems like he doesn’t want to marry you :-/ Sorry.
Post # 12
ellejoy1: i understand your concerns. it’s really difficult to work on your relationship when you’re constantly in doubt about whether or not he’s committed! you’re in a tricky spot- i agree with what a PP posted about ideally living together either before getting engaged or after getting married. we got engaged and then started living together, and we definitely had about 6 months of adjustment. our date was already set at that point, but the looming wedding date made every little fight seem worse. i’m really glad that we eventually adjusted and didn’t cancel the wedding or anything, because our relationship got stronger than ever through that. we did have one bad argument where he said that i had pressured him into proposing and that he was resentful about that… i told him point blank to decide whether or not he wanted to marry me and from that point on, it would be his decision not me pressuring him. he obviously said he wanted to marry me and after that we moved on. it was really hard for me to take that risk, but i realized that if he wasn’t 100% sure at that point, then i was wasting my time.
the best thing you can do is to relax. it’s easier said than done unfortunately. and then i would have some serious conversations to figure out his reservations. if he’s expecting marriage to be perfect, he’s in for a huge surprise. the important thing is loving the other person enough to really work through the hard parts (like adjusting to living together). if he isn’t in it for the long haul then it’s better that you find that out now! <3
Post # 13
I’m sorry! I disagree with the posters saying that because you’re thinking of walking means you don’t really want to be with him. I mean really you aren’t planning to marry so you aren’t actually even engaged, you’re back to waiting. I’ve repeated my story on here many times but I waited and waited (think a decade) only to find out he didn’t want to marry me but just took us buying a house for him to finally speak up. I did want to spend forever with him but I wish I had walked because in hindsight I feel like I should have known he wasn’t proposing because he didn’t want to. Sometimes as much as you love someone that isn’t enough and you have to walk if they can’t make up their mind about you or aren’t offering you the level of committment you want out of life (marriage). I met someone else who I’m much more on the same page with and infinitely happier.
Post # 14
I don’t tihkn someone should propose unless they are ready to discuss marriage (and by extension, a wedding). I understand not having a date back in January, but you’ve been engaged for more than half a year and he doesn’t even want to discuss a ballpark date? That’s a red flag to some major issues for me. That sounds like the reaction of someone’s bofriend who isn’t ready to propose yet – not someone’s fiance who proposed back in January.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC
ellejoy1: Ask him about your Spring 2016 wedding idea. That should be PLENTY of time for y’all to figure things out and for him to be sure about your relationship one way or the other. If he says no, I’d leave immediately. In that case, it sounds like he wanted the “live-in fiancee” but not the “wife” and “marriage”. I wouldn’t even bother to set a walk date and wait around, to be honest.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP! My FI and I have some adjustment struggles as well, as I just moved in to his place, but I can’t imagine him ever saying he’s not sure about our wedding and marriage.