(Closed) Fiance won't set date

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

2019? Ok, AT LEAST that is some starting groundwork. I remember seething over the fact that my now Darling Husband was dragging his feet on proposing AND we we had a longer engagement. People who started dating AFTER us were getting married and even having babies. It was a VERY hard time for me, and I even resented my now Darling Husband for it. I can totally relate to how you are feeling right now!

I just want to share this with you though:

Darling Husband and I met when we were 22 and 24. We got married when we were 27 and 29. Trust me, at 23 the age 27 would seem LIGHT YEARS away…but I am SO glad I waited until my late 20’s go get married. It was really cool looking back, because we kinda got to ‘grow up’ together. If we had of gotten married younger, we would have given up a lot of ‘youth’…trust me, when you are staring down 30 you see that your 20’s are still part of your ‘youth’. 

Anyways…

Here are the perks to getting married in late 20’s: 

  • Not once did we get the ‘you’re too young for marriage’ or ‘are you sure’ lectures
  • We were able to do our wedding and honeymoon (almost) debt free…and the rest of the debt was paid off within two months of the wedding
  • We were able to buy our first condo three months after we got married. Banks wouldn’t have taken us seriously for a morgage if we were younger, and we probably wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyways
  • Nobody cared that at ten months of marriage we got pregnant with our first child, and we were READY to be parents
  • Those friend who rushed into marriage and parenthood are mostly divorced and in debt

I know I sound like a old fart saying this (and I FEEL like one typing it) but trust me, 2019 isn’t a problem in the grand scheme of things. Just focus on the amazing wedding you’ll be able to have, and how quickly your life will be able to come together because you waited a year or two longer than you would have liked. Think of it as laying down more prep work now so that once you get married things can go A LOT quicker 🙂

Post # 3
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

brikachu :  I’d bring up the conversation again when he’s not feeling shitty about losing his job.  If he’s been looking for months with no luck he’s probably feeling a bit down.  If he gets the job and is still noncommital you have my blessing to be furious with him 😉

Post # 4
Member
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

brikachu :  I understand your frustration, but I also understand him not wanting to set a date while he’s unemployed. Sure, you hope he won’t be jobless for 2 years, but who knows! Also, do you want an actual wedding? Or would you be content just going to city hall? Because if you want a wedding, it makes sense to wait. 

I think the first thing he needs to do is get a job. Once he does that you can talk about when you’ll actually be able to get married. 

Post # 5
Member
819 posts
Busy bee

Generally a proposal means that you’re going to start planning a wedding. I’m with you; if he wasn’t ready to do that, why did he propose? Two years is plenty of time to plan a wedding and find a job, and I think you two need to talk about why you’re so frustrated and what his plan is for finding a job and getting this wedding going. I know finances might be tight right now, so keep that in mind too– maybe you can at least book the venue and put a deposit down now so that you have the date, and then hold off on spending any more money for the wedding until he has a job.

Post # 6
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

I am in a similar situation (with fiancé not setting a date) but he gave me a year he had in mind (2019) and we determined the season we want to get married in (Spring). Although I’m the type of person that needs to have uncertainties fulfilled, I just accepted the fact that we will get married–it will happen! Now that I atleast know the season, I’ve just started browsing at spring wedding related stuff, like colors, dress types, etc to occupy my mind. I really wouldn’t push for a specific date right now because he might just give in and say a random date just to shut me up, and what if it turns out we don’t end up getting married on that date. Plus, 2019 is a ways away so you’ll have plenty of time in 2018, possibly 2017, to determine exactly which date he/y’all might want because normally couples book venues about a year or more in advance (really depends on the demand in your area). Maybe if you can atleast work with him to figure out the season, that can keep you occupied for awhile until it gets closer to 2019! I must admit when my fiancé said 2019, I thought wtf that’s so far why even be engaged?!? Then he discussed why he chose 2019 (we have to pay for our entire wedding ourselves, he wants to get rid of all of his personal debt before we become married, etc). 

Hang in there!

Post # 7
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I totally agree with you that being engaged means at least setting a tenative date and starting to plan the wedding BUT i also totally understand that he might be overwhelmed at the prospect of a wedding when he is unemployed and his future is very unsure.  I would wait until he has a new job and then revisit the conversation.  2019 is not unreasonable since you are young and given his empoyment status right now, so I would go ahead with assuming that is your date for now.  you can start to seriously plan about 2 years out if you want.

Post # 8
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

Why did he propose? Was it because he wants to plan a wedding or maybe because you wanted to be engaged? Could he have felt pressure? It doesn’t sound like you guys are on the same communication page. 

Post # 9
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I definitely understand your frustration, but I do understand his side as well. I don’t think he’s delaying because he has no intention of marrying you. It seems that he is just stressed out because of losing his job, and that he doesn’t want to deal with the stress of a wedding on top of it (and as you will see on these boards, weddings can be very stressful!).

I suggest waiting until he is less stressed out to bring it up again. This may mean waiting until he has a new job, which will hopefully be in the next couple of months. Then, talk to him and tell him that you would at least like to set an approximate date. Assure him that you don’t intend to start actually planning until he is ready, but that you really need to know an approximate date at least. You can bring up the beginning of 2018 as the date you’d like to get married, but don’t push it too hard. Maybe try to compromise with a few months after that, or even the end of 2018.

I think it’s just hard for him to focus on a wedding when he is just trying to get his “shit” together as he says, and he’s stressed out and worried that he won’t be able to any time soon. I would just support him during this time, and bring it up again when he’s more stable.

Post # 10
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think it’s smart to wait until he gets a job before you start really planning anything. It would be better to just hold off for a bit and actually set something, rather than set it, but then he still doesn’t have a job so you push it back, and then he gets another job so you move it up, etc etc.

Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

I agree that you shouldn’t propose unless you are ready to set a wedding date, that being said, he probably wasn’t expecting to lose his job and might have been ready to set a date if he had his job still. I probably wouldn’t push him to set a date until he finds a job unless you have money saved up for the wedding, or if your parents are paying for all of it, or if you are okay with just going to the courthouse and not having a huge wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
3455 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Are you both not currently working? If that’s the case and there’s no income from either of you, then I can understand his hesitation to start planning. Weddings can be expensive (though they don’t have to be) and maybe he’s worried about bills or debts that are currently piling up while he looks for work. 

I understand your frustration, but I’d hold off on planning until he’s working again.

Post # 13
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It sounds as if he is being responsible and mature in waiting until he is employed again before planning a wedding. One of the first tasks in wedding planning is setting a budget and that’s hard to do if you don’t know what your income will be. Plus, if you’ve read many posts on this board you know how stressful wedding planning can be and he’s probably stressed out enough already right now. 

Take a deep breath. Table the wedding planning discussions until a month or two after he has found and started a new job. You can still collect information and ideas in the meantime. 

Post # 14
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Soooo… He gave you a promise ring instead of an “engagement ring”?  I was under the assumption that “promise rings” were a junior high/high school thing, but that they certainly didn’t mean that you were engaged… I could be wrong.  Maybe you should just treat it as a sweet gesture and wait for him to propose ENGAGEMENT — since that means you’d be planning.  (just a thought…)

Post # 15
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

msop04 :  The way I read it is that the OP is saying if he didn’t really mean he wanted to get engaged, he should have given her a promise ring instead of an engagement ring.

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