- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Greetings Bees! TGIF! I have a wedding issue that needs some advice, if you’re game:
My fiance and I got engaged in March 2013. I’m 34, he’s 42. We’ve been together for 1.5 years, and during one year of that time, he was deployed to Afghanistan (he came home a month ago). So, we got engaged via Skype in March. We’ve hit some snags along the way.
My guy has had some committment issues. Over the course of our r’ship and in the early days of his deployment, it was difficult (impossible) to get him to talk to me about any sort of future, etc. We met overseas for his halfway R&R in February, and he still didn’t talk abut our future. At that point (1.3 years into the r’ship, much of it deployment), I figured he wasn’t all that into the r’ship. So, I broke up with him… but then he proposed via Skype a couple of days later. Ok – now we’re talking!
After our engagement, I said that my only near-term “wedding goal” was to nail down a date and venue (we have a tight deadline because the military will move him in June 2014). On multiple occasions, I asked for a date, for advice/opinions on venues, pricing of weddings, etc, and it went no where with him. While I realize he was in Afghanistan and busy, he had plenty of time to research vacay options for his parents, so I felt a little hurt by his ambivalence. Just to be clear – he wasn’t a front-line soldier… he worked in an office with a computer every day. And while I knew he was busy (I’ve also deployed to Afghanistan), I know that it is still possible to grab a few minutes here and there on the internet.
Fast forward to now.. five months later. He moved in with me right after his deployment. Although we have no wedding date and I don’t have a ring, he believes we are “engaged”. I had to nag and cry to get him to take me ring shopping and venue-researching. Not to sound overly dramatic but for example – earlier this month I mentioned that it would be nice if we could go ring shopping during that week. After all, we’d been engaged for four months – let’s start doing things! He said “sure!”. And then, his schedule became too busy, so ring shopping never happened. I got really p*ssed… not because of the ring, but because I felt like I should have been a priority, especially since ring shopping was something that I asked to do because it was important to me. Wow that took the wind out of my sails! So, this engagement is starting to bother me because 1) it’s been five months and nothing is “proper”, and 2) I feel like wedding planning sorta should have been a priority this month!
He told me today (after a huge fight) that the ring has been “ordered”, which is great! However whenever I bring up nailing down a date for the wedding, he dances around the issue. We either need to do “more research” on venues (although I’ve been doing research for five months), or the “sticker shock” factor throws him off (I’ve been sending him prices for five months). Bottom line – every time I try to nail down a date/venue, there’s some excuse to “continue the search”.
The clincher was yesterday… he bought a boat this week. This boat costs as much as a high-end wedding. We visited a wedding venue yesterday that was priced well below the boat value, and I commented on how affordable it was for our area. He stated “well, now that I think about it, I have sticker shock, and it seems like a wedding reception is a silly expense. It’s a sunk expense, unllike a boat which will probably reap some financial gain”.
I don’t know what to do, guys. I love him. However, whenever I bring up anything wedding/future related, he says things to “appease” me and get me off his back. Ultimately though, his appeasement promises don’t come true, and now, my trust in him is diminishing. After a year apart b/c of his deployment, I would think (hope) that sealing the deal with your fiancee would be the highest priority… but I am not at the top of the list.
What do you think (and I’m sorry this is long)? Am I over-reacting? At this point, having been down this road with him a few times, I sense that he might not be ready for marriage.