- 5 years ago
I need a little advice. My Fiancee and I have been engaged for a year and a half. we were set to be married in two months and due to a slew of escalated arguments she quit her job, moved out and got on a first flight back home to live with her parents across the country. We were college sweethearts and dated for 4 years and hung out as friends for a whole year before dating. I took her virginity, she comes from a very religious family and told me that she felt she had compromised herself so much throughout and “wanted to live back in God’s will and if it’s meant to be then God will bring us back together.” We have talked a little off and on since she left (been 3 weeks) and she has told since told me that it is too hard for her to have contact with me because it causes a slew of bad emotions for her.
I have said nothing but nice things to her since she left and have given a good amount of space. I have only sent her a text each morning say have a good day today. We had a really progressive conversation where we reopened some communication lines briefly and then the she blocked my phone number! She sent me a detailed email saying that I wont be able to contact her for a while because she really needed some space to get her head clear. I reiterate I was her first love, she’s 25, I’m 26 and I took her virginity. She comes from a family where her grandparents have been married for 50 years and her parents have been married for 25. She’s the second oldest of five and her older sister has been married for roughly 5 years. Her mother and older sister have been very opinionated on the subject and since the break-up have told me that she is never coming back! They have told me that I need to find God for myself and attacked my character although they barely know me. I don’t feel I’ve crossed any lines that result in a permanent break-up. (no physical abuse or calling her the B word. or saying F-U) Couples argue right?, things get said and you try to overcome those obstacles. After college she relocated to my hometown and never found a social life. Outside of work and some occasional volunteer work she was a small town girl living in a huge city. I felt a ton of pressure to help her “find herself” here while working 50hrs a week and dealing with some other family issues.
At times I became overwhelmed with all the things we had on our plate that I was often emotionally unavailable and tempermental this past year. I would often say some hurtful things out of frustration and she said she felt like she was walking on eggshells at times. I was somewhat shell shocked from all the responsibilities of helping out with the honeymoon plans/payments, helping her with the destination wedding, working 50 hrs a week in a sales based job and helping her set-up her life etc that I was denying myself and becoming really frustrated… Seeing her leave out of my life has been a life altering moment. I realized that I was fighting so hard to provide and pay for the things that we needed to make us stable that I was dropping the ball on the everyday stuff needed to sustain a happy healthy relationship..I’m confident we could get back to the blissful moments before we moved to my hometown…It was hard for her to talk with me about additional problems because I had so much on my plate already. She hasn’t said that its completely over but based on the actions taken it seems like a long shot at this point. Her mother is a pastor and said that I was arrogant, unappreciative and verbally abusive and didn’t know how to love her daughter. She said that they are in the process of rebuilding her spirit so she can move on. Thing is they have 5 children (ages 19-30) and three of them still live at home and all of them came back home after leaving the state under very similar circumstances. I feel like the mother has too much say on their lives..
My fiancee would only call her and talk to her when things were bad (which was maybe 20% of the time) We established our relationship off of good values, got to know each other real well before having sex, lived together and have great conversation..no infidelity and we trusted each other for the most part (no lies) but maybe some lack of trust emotionally and some huge differences in how we were raised. She feels a sense of need to be accepted by her family, church family etc.. and while we aren’t bad, we weren’t living to the standards that were set for her which causes her to have alot of guilt/doubts. When we’re together we share so much in common but it just feels like she has to choose between her life with me and her life with her family. She is a very passive person and hasn’t really had a voice in her family or in her life in general. She established that somewhat with me in our relationship but I’m more aggressive in nature. I’ve always encouraged her to speak her mind and She opened up to me in ways that wouldn’t allow her family to understand the essence of why we work. Now she’s at home with her family hearing 1001 reasons of why we shouldn’t be together and possibly reverting back to her old self (for better or worse). FYI when she was leaving she said to me “I don’t wanna go” “Maybe We can talk to my mom” And “I just want to do the right thing”. I let her go and helped her take her stuff to the car because I knew she had to make a decision on what she wanted for her… Since she left She hasn’t said she doesn’t love me or that we’ll never get back together or that she’s never coming back but I’m nervous in time she will and all that we built will be lost. Knowing her values (wanting to save herself for marriage) she probably won’t date for a good while so I feel I have time to right the situation. Can any women out there give me insight as to what I’m up against? Like Maybe How I should approach it moving forward because I’m beginning to lose myself in all of this…