Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee
He told me three weeks before the wedding. He slept with ex wife three times. I tolerated much daily drama between him and ex wife, of course not knowing that this occurred. Most recent sex between them was 4 months ago. Said he told me now because guilt was killing him.
Since then, we’ve spoken almost daily, but not seeing each other or having a relationship.He wants to reconcile, i’ve told him I just know we can’t be together right now. We are both going to counseling individually, and he is going to AA (although it wasn’t a direct factor in the cheating, alchohol has been an issue in his moral judgement and hiding of things).He is also going to mediation to try to correct the dysfunction in the communication/relation between the ex and him (set boundaries, rules for communication, etc).
I am still heartbroken, having a hard time deciding what to do because I feel so conflicted. We did have great affection, appreciation, and communication. Even throughout this horror we have been able to communicate very well. I feel he is genuinely heartbroken as well, and it does seem he is trying to fix things.
I was just so shocked and blindsided, don’t know if I can ever trust again, but can’t stand the thought of not having him in my life. Not ready to say I can forgive though, as I think is a really crappy thing he did to a nice person who did nothing to deserve it.
It’s only been two weeks since the wedding date, I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, just feeling very alone in this situation, and thought reaching out might find someone with similar situation and advice to offer
Thanks for your time.
Post # 3
Member
3540 posts
Sugar bee
Im sorry girl that you went through this, and that you still are. Counselling is a good way to go.
I really dont have much advice part from that and Im sorry to hear that it has happened. *hugs from half way round the world to you*
Post # 4
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
Oh god you poor thing. Thinking of you and sending you all my strength xxx
Sorry I can’t offer any advice that seems to matter, just take one day at a time. You will get through this. x
Post # 5
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
*huuuuuugs* i’m sorry you are going through this and don’t know what is a good advise to give you, but i think it’s good that you are reaching out to us, i know there are many people here who can give you great advise. stay strong 🙂
Post # 6
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through this. I can understand how hard it can be to just end a relationship with someone you love but also hard to go on the way it used to be. I think if your going to keep him in your life there can be no other chances or excuses for this behavior. I don’t think everyone who cheats is evil or meant to be malicious — but I also think its a very serious weakness to it happening again. I think its a good idea to take your time, think things through and pinpoint what you really want to do from here are in. Be as honest as you can be with yourself on what you really want and expect — and on whether or not he is the type of person who can provide you with it in the end.
Hope it all works out for the best for you! Take care.
Post # 7
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
My heart really goes out to you.
The only advice I have is to take your time. Counseling is a great idea. Get to know yourself and figure out if this is something you could forgive, or if it would be better for you to move on. If you do get back together, you have to be able to trust him again. Resentment and jealousy are really unhealthy.
I hope everything works out for you.
Post # 8
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper
I just wanted to echo everything the previous posters have said. I’m so sorry this happened to you – and I don’t know why such terrible things happen to such good people. Counseling is going to help you with this, and I’m so glad that you decided to start it. Only time is going to be able to heal you, and right now, I think it’s great that you’re focusing on yourself. It’s so hard to go from marrying someone one day to him breaking your trust like that. You’re a very strong person for dealing with this head on.
I’m sorry that I don’t have a whole lot of advice, but feel free to continue to vent on here if you need to. All the best to you!
Post # 9
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
I’m so sorry hun! ***HUGS*** It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and are trying to figure out what’s best for you. Only you can know that so take your time and figure out if you can trust him again or not. I’ve always felt that if my FI, DH, whatever, cheated on me the relationship would be over but I’ve never been in that situation and wouldn’t know what I’d really end up deciding.
Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
Oh goodness, you poor thing! I don’t need to tell you that you are doing the right thing because you already know. It’s not going to be an easy road I’m sure, but we are here for you!
Post # 11
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
(((HUGGSSSS))) i am SO SO SO SO SO verry sorry that you are going through this, i pray that with time you can figure out the best direction for you and that (With or without him) you find happiness and trust once again.
Post # 12
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
Wow, this is a tough one. On the plus side, it sounds like he is taking all of the right steps to make a genuine change in his life. I’m not sure he would be doing all of these things (counseling, mediation, & AA) if he wasn’t committed to being a better man for you. On the other side though, he did something really terrible that made you lose all of your trust in him, and trust is *not* easy to earn back. I’d say give it some serious time. Take things slowly, and time will tell if things will work out. But if he does slip up again, you should leave him for good, for your own sake. I know you said you’re both doing counseling individually, but would you also be up for joint counseling? That might help you guys to work through some of your issues together too…
Post # 13
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
so very sorry you are going through this….to be clear, you didn’t go through with the wedding, right?
Post # 14
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m so sorry. Although it wasn’t with an ex-wife I’ve been in your shoes. We’re working it out and are going to come through the situation stronger than we were before. If you want to chat, feel free to PM me. It’s not an easy road. I’m so sorry.
Post # 15
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
Oh my gosh sweetie, I am SO sorry this happened to you. I would definitely take some “you time” to figure things out. I know you have feelings for him, but make sure you take a long hard look at your options so you make the right decision. Know what you deserve and don’t settle for anything less. Time will heal, and your judgement will be less foggy. In the mean time, keep your chin up. You are worthy of being loved, just know that. 🙂
Post # 16
Member
5 posts
Newbee
@Mrs. Meowerson:
No, we did not get married. I called the wedding off the day after I found out. Went around town bawling my eyes out at the bridal shop, tuxedo rental, flower shop, etc. Talk about embarassing! On the bright side, I did manage to get some of the money back 🙂
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