(Closed) Fiancée chooses mother… what should I do?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my first thought is change the locks and dont give her a key

my inlaws live right next door and they have keys to our place and i can honestly say when we are home they knock and wont come in until we open the door and when they do use the key its when we are not home and its to do our ironing on monday (which i love her for doing this and she has our permission).  you have to set boundries now as it wont get better after you marry

im sorry your Fiance isnt stepping up – maybe this is a good thing to happen now, hopefully its a wakeup call for him to get his priorities straight

Post # 4
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My first thought was Bunny from Sex and the City.

Assert your independence. You are the woman of the house and this has to be handled sooner or later.

Post # 5
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You cant live like this forever. You cant ask him to chose between you and his mom, but he does have to set boundaries. If he cant do that then I would tell him i was going to move out until he dealt with his mother. It seems like she just wants to help, but if he wont stand up to her nothing will ever change. Can you imagine what she will be like when you have kids?

I would not go through with a wedding until this was sorted out.

Post # 6
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

A wife should come first. It’s not about him loving his mom any less, but when we commits to marry you- that means that you and your future kids are his primary family.

I think it is a very bad sign that he has a hard time sticking up for you- and it will only get worse during marriage. “Peacemaker” isn’t the word I would use- he is just avoiding confrontation. Avoiding confrontation is not leading to peace.

It is his responsibility to put boundaries in place with his mother.

Ive seen these kinds of dynamics play out with members of my family and it is an awful situation.

Post # 7
Member
849 posts
Busy bee

I’m gonna disagree with everyone and say since she bough you a whole house you should indulge her a little and let her decorate it.

Post # 8
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yikes… I can understand why you are frustrated!  However, I can understand why your Fiance is a little hesitant in dealing with this.  I mean, yes there comes a point where he has to choose, but I don’t think it’s really that easy of a choice – the woman who has raised him and made him the man he is, or the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Is there anyway that you could speak with his mother, woman to woman. To be honest, I don’t think she is doing any of these things, to “spite” you. I think she is just very bored and is trying to do things to make her son very happy. Perhaps she just doesn’t see it from your point of view.

Post # 9
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Butterbee: When someone gives a gift- no matter how grand- it should be from generosity of spirit- not as a means to control others or to make others “owe” you.

If this Future Mother-In-Law wanted to help or be involved with the decor, and asked the OP- I bet the OP wouldn’t be having such big problems right now. But obviously she is using this home, this “gift” as a means to control them.
Something isn’t right when Fiance is scared to leave things around the house and has to hide them in the closet so as not to upset his mother! Are you kidding me? You wouldn’t mind this?

When men are so afraid of confronting mothers who tend to have no boundaries…that only leads to trouble and to future heartache into the marriage.

Post # 10
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@LuckyJuls: That’s what i thought too!!  You need to totally stand your ground and maybe do the same Charlotte did lol. 

She needs to realize she has to let her son go, and she seems unwilling to.  Let her know if she wants to be part of both your lives, she has to respect BOUNDARIES.

Good luck!! Hope you find a resolution soon!!

Post # 11
Member
849 posts
Busy bee

@Evie19: I probably should have written a more expanded response, I certainly don’t think things are ok the way they are for them, but I also don’t think everyone should be totally against the mother. I’ve had plenty of experience with “oweing” my parents for things I never even asked for and being pressured in that way. I just think OP should be a little willing to compromise and set reasonable boundaries so everyone can be happy. The mother is probably so sad and lonely, I know I would be if I lost my husband and I would do whatever I could to fulfill his dying wishes.

Post # 12
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Miss Smurf: I’m realy sorry I don’t mean to swarm this thread with my opinions, but I guess because I have seen first hand how these dynamics can be so destructive, I can’t help but post again…

It isn’t about Fiance not loving or respecting his mother. Of course, it is difficult for anyone to have to confront our parents about something that will be difficult. Many of our parents have sacrificed for us and loved us unconditionally, etc..So its natural that some children may feel guilt and resistant to setting boundaries and limits…

However!-The love and sacrifice and generosity from our parents does not excuse them from unfair behavior! A couple needs to feel that the other is first in their lives- no woman should feel second, or less-than. It’s just not right. And it’s not fair that the Future Mother-In-Law is putting her son in this position.

My Future Mother-In-Law never puts her son in a position to have to set boundaries- I’m lucky for that. But if she did- I wouldn’t stick around if Fiance couldnt’ say no to his mom at my expense all my life!

I belive it is FI’s responsibility to speak to his mother- calmly, with love- but firmly. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her and won’t have her as a big part of his life! It means he will be setting boundaries so that everyone can co-exist harmoniously!

Post # 13
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Butterbee: I have compassion for anyone who has lost their spouse. I can’t imagine how difficult that is. So yes, I’m sorry she has to live with loneliness and that grief.

I just don’t feel it is an excuse to be so controlling. A lot of people could be lonely and sad, but wouldn’t necessarily be acting so pushy and controlling. So it also comes down to character, not just the conditions they are living with.

If she wanted to spend time with them, or to help the OP decorate, etc. then there really wouldn’t be an issue.

But it seems like she is going too far and her expectations are unfair.

Post # 14
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Evie19 – Don’t apologize for voicing your thoughts or opinions – it’s what makes the hive interesting!

Perhaps I didn’t phrase my argument very well.  Basically I just think it’s a very difficult position to put someone in if they have to choose between two people they love.  Eventually it will probably have to be done, but I can understance the hesitation on FI’s part.

Also, I still think there needs to be a woman to woman talk.  Most mothers I know still have the opinion that “mother know’s best”, especially when it comes to their son.  So maybe the mother just brushes aside anything the son is saying.  If there is a woman-to-woman talk, then the mother will get a chance to see things from a different viewpoint, and hopefully realize that she has been overstepping her boundaries!

Post # 15
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Miss Smurf: Hesitation is understandable…I think based on the OP’s account of everything…the sh*t has hit the fan and there’s no room for hesitation anymore. 🙂

Most psychologists/therapists/psychiatrists say that it can lead to a lot more problems when in-laws deal with each other rather than each person addressing their own families.

Having said that, every situation is different and maybe it would help if they spoke to each other. But it seems like Future Mother-In-Law is totally aware of how bothered the OP is…

 

@ali32779: I wish you luck and I hope you report back to tell us how things are going!

Post # 16
Member
8 posts
Newbee

This just isn’t ok. :/ If it’s like this now it probably wont change in the future. It’s good that your being level headed and have moved out. Stand your ground. Good luck.

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