(Closed) Fiancée has broken my trust

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

bettercallsaul:  Everyone has their own opinions on drug use. Hubby and I are both 100% against and would not risk hurting our future child. If it was a once in a blue moon party with just drinks(and we rarely drink) I wouldn’t mind. But op said he has done the 7am thing more than once. Plus op said he broke a promise to not do drugs. For me, that’s not the relationship I want. Hubby and I have the same views on it and we trust eachother 100%. If it’s not yours opinion, to each thier own. 🙂

Post # 32
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry this happened. I would definitely try to talk it through and see what you guys can work out. It is a MAJOR red flag though a huge violation of trust, not to mention compromising your possible future children together. 

Is he trying to sabatoge your relationship for some reason?

Post # 35
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

lemonsandoranges:  Do you trust him 100% now? If not, what can he do to earn back that trust?

Have you asked him how he would feel if you were the one doing drugs and other things with a bunch of people till 7am while he was at home waiting?

Post # 36
Member
12123 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I think the woman who told you about getting upset with her SO wanoted you to know what was going on without telling you directly. 

We are are all entitled to our deal breakers, most certainly before marriage and children. Drug use would be one for me, even without the lying by omission and the breaking of trust. 

Post # 38
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a lot of friends who will occasionally take MDMA (maybe once or twice a year), and they are all high-achieving people with strong careers. It can actually be fairly mellow if you don’t mix it with anything. I find the Bee to be pretty conservative toward drug use, and just wanted to give an opposing view. Obviously it crosses a line for you, and your Fiance should understand that. But if this is a truly rare event for him, maybe it’s not that big of a deal. I know you said he goes out once every 6-8 weeks, but are those nights all “out until 7am” nights, too? Also, everyone seems concerned with his fitness to be a father, but he’s not a father yet. Maybe he is just blowing off steam before he has that responsibility.

Post # 39
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am the type of person who rolls my eyes at people saying deal breakers/red flags because everyones are different. 

I only have one and that is my husband taking drugs especially behind my back. He used to before he met me but I met him at a stage he was wanting to change that and he has not looked back since. Drugs are not something I want apart of my life as I have grown up around it and chose a different path to my family. 

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. 

Post # 40
Member
49 posts
Newbee

peridot456:  I agree with you and think we are in the minority. I personally don’t take MDMA, but I know several successful career-driven people who have taken it. I think MDMA makes you stay up late, hence the fiancé coming home at 7am?

i think its up to you and how you feel about this situation. Can you live with this?

Post # 41
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sometimes people do stupid things OP and it sounds like bar this indiscretion you have a good relationship. What needs to happen now is a serious conversation where some ground rules are set. 

Ask him straight if it is a regular thing him taking drugs when out with this particular group of friends. No matter what the answer you need to then lay down some ground rules (that you both agree with). Then if something like this happens again id say it might be a ‘red flag’ but id give him a chance to make it right first. 

Post # 42
Member
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

Like you, I’m not a fan of drugs. 

Obviously I know NOTHING of your relationship being a simple internet observer, but is it possible he’s just panicking? 

Trying for a baby is a HUGE commitment, so maybe he’s just acting out. You’ve said already that you aren’t sure this is something he has done in the past but now you’re worrying he has. Try to stop that, it could be a one time thing.

You need to talk to him and address your concerns with him. 

<3

Post # 43
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Well, you guys might be 27 and 31, but you guys sound SO immature. He stays out until the wee hours of the morning? No boyfriend I have ever had has EVER done that. and he’s suppose to be ready for marriage and baby? With the DRUGS on top of that? Please. And you, for thinking this is normal or okay (obviously not the drugs part). Thankfully you are coming to your senses. If he wants to ger married and have a baby, he should probably try to start acting like it.

Post # 44
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee

lemonsandoranges:  You are definitely not over reacting. It’s an illegal substance and he did it behind your back! Even though he knows how much it bothers and upsets you. It’s very inconsiderate of him and it would break your trust because you don’t know what else he’s been doing and how many times has it been done before. A very poor decision, especially with possible a child to consider of in the near possible future.

Does he have any regrets or remorse about doing it? Is he bothered that he upset you?

Post # 45
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

peridot456:  ut0pia:  because high achieving successful people can’t become drug addicts, or get arrested for drugs, or get into accidents because of drugs, or cheat and ruin their marriage because of drugs? I guess it’s ok to take them and stay out til 7 am as long as you have a good career. 

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