Post # 1
So, I have posted a couple of times, so thrilled and excited for my wedding. But today, I feel like I have had a bomb dropped on me. So, I am a bisexual female and engaged to a woman who I love dearly and have been with for many years. From what I thought, our relationship was/is solid. We argue, like any couple, but we always work it out. We share a home, finances, both have great jobs etc. My fiancee (Mandy) has never once led on that she had any doubts or anything about getting married. Fast-forward to this morning. One of our cars is at the mechanic shop, so we carpooled to work this morning. I was driving and she was in the passenger seat and I noticed her being quiet and just giving off a tense vibe. I asked her if everything was OK and she didn’t respond. After 2 minutes of very tense silence, she told me she is having doubts about the wedding. My heart sank, but I tried to remain calm. I immediately pulled into a parking lot because there’s no way I was going to have this conversation while I was driving. I asked her to explain; she went on to tell me that she feels “trapped in the reality of being with one person for the rest of her life”. I had no idea what to say. I then asked where she wanted to go from here and she didnt’ give me an answer. I was so hurt I just dropped her off at work in silence and basically spent the rest of my work-day in and out of the bathroom, bawling. She sent me a text saying: “I love you, but I just am not sure if I want to be married”. After all this, all the planning, the money spent. I don’t get it. I didn’t even respond. She texted me again saying not to bother picking her up, because a coworker will give her a ride home. Well, she got off 2 hours ago and she is still not here. I texted her repeatedly and no response-until this morning on her iPhone she had the function turned on where another iphone user could see if you read their text or not. I guess this morning she turned it off…I have called her repeatedly and the call keeps getting rejected. I am just dumbfounded, shocked, what the hell is going on? She has never been one to be impulsive with her emotions, so even-tempered and rational. I dread the thought that this has been brewing for a while…I don’t get it. I don’t get it.
Post # 2
Sorry bee that you’re hurting but it sounds pretty much like a break up to me except Mandy can’t bring herself to actually do the breaking up.
Let her have her space. She doesn’t want to discuss this at all with you right now. She knows she dropped a bomb but isn’t ready to deal with the fallout.
Post # 3
You can try premarital counseling but it sounds like mandy isnt ready for commitment.
Post # 4
Oh, ouch, Bee. This one has gotta hurt. A lot. I’m sure your head is spinning. Don’t forget to breathe.
How old is Mandy? Is she closed up about her feelings, in general?
Unfortunately, you’re in the thoroughly awful position of not being able to do a damn thing. Mandy has not only failed to respond to your attempts to communicate, she has blocked you.
Maybe that will change and she will agree to talk to you. Typically, that make things worse for the dumpee.
If you managed to reconcile someday, would you ever feel on a firm footing? Could you ever regain trust for someone who deceived you in such a hurtful way?
Post # 5
I think it is alarming that she still hasn’t come home after work and I hate to put this in your head but most of the time when someone breaks off a serious relationship in a way that seems so abrupt there is usually someone else in the picture.
Check in with us when she gets home and try to do something this evening to keep your mind off it!
You need to have a serious talk when she does come back. The way she has dealt with this is very immature and that must make it hurt more.
Post # 6
Wow. That’s definitely not what you want. I’m sorry. It does feel like a bit of a split. I have been on your dumbfounded side of the equation. A marriage is what you want and it feels obvious. It’s hard to have any idea of someone else’s perspective, especially if they have not vocalized it. With my ex I thought everything was great. We got engaged, got rings, started planning, then I came home day and was told that it was over. It was a huge surprise.
It’s a really really sucky position to be in. I wouldn’t try to leave a million messages or something. If you ultimately want her to communicate with you, try to be as open as possible. Ugh. I’m sorry. I remember being in your shoes and it was just a sucker punch. There are people out there who honestly want marriage and are ready for the commitment. I hope you find one of those people next if this situation isn’t mended.
Post # 7
Yes, there’s someone else in the picture who has made her reconsider marriage and monogamy.
I’m sorry OP. This hurts. All you can do is be glad it didn’t occur after you married. Don’t try to save anything, it’s basically over. She wants to experience others, so let her. But one of you needs to move out.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Out all night? Out of touch? It’s another person in her life. They probably gave her an ultimatum.
Post # 9
Thanks guys. She came home an hour ago and went straight to our bedroom and said she didn’t want to talk that night. I told her we were talking tonight and I deserve that at least. Upon talking to her, I realized she was tipsy and I asked her if she had been to a bar. She said yes. I asked if she was with another person and she said no, by herself. I told her I didn’t believe her and she said it didn’t matter if I did or didn’t, because she was alone. I asked her what bar she went to and she said the local bar we usually go to and then I saw her hand and saw that there was a stamp on the hand and I pointed out our bar doesn’t do that, so she must have gone somewhere else or multiple bars. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it and we will talk in the morning. I told her not to bother, that I will have all my stuff out by sunrise. She said I am being ridiculous and impulsive and I am making this more than what it is. I ignored her and am now in our guest bedroom. Completely drained.
Post # 10
She said she came home by uber…I get text notifications anytime there are transactions from our mutual bank account…so I know she was lying about that.
Post # 11
Her behavior is cruel and unjustified, so I’m sorry for that, Bee. Since you share a home and finances, she’ll obviously have to speak to you eventually. I don’t know if she’s seeing someone else; she could just be hiding out at someone’s house because she’s not ready to talk yet, and she knows she’ll have to if she goes home. Either way, I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
ETA: I’m sorry; I didn’t see your update. 🙁
Post # 12
She’s being really awful and mean. There are kinder ways to call off a wedding. There really are. Kinder and way more mature ways.
I think it’s ridiculous that she thinks she gets to call all the shots in when and how this is dealt with.
At least its before the wedding otherwise you’d have paid for a wedding and then a divorce.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
Why is she lying about the Uber and bar(s)?
Why would she feel the need to lie if she wasn’t hiding something (whether big or small)?
You deserve better than this in a relationship AND in a break up (if that’s what’s going down here).
Post # 14
This is so awful for you. You must feel that your heart is breaking. Not just to have your partner call the wedding off but to think that she may also be lying to you. She is acting immaturely and behaving like a coward. I agree that there may be something else going on. If it was just plain cold feet wouldn’t she just tell you she was having these feelings and you two could talk about it? Has she ever acted like this before when she is stressed?
Try to get some sleep and get your thoughts together. In the morning let her know you need the truth and that you deserve an explanation. Prepare yourself.
Post # 15
He bee, asked my partner about the situation and we talked about it a little. We both agreed that even if we weren’t feeling secure about the wedding, we would never go radio silent for 24 hours after dropping the news and then show up drunk and lying about what happened since.
We dont know if your fiance cheated or just wants you to think so as retribution for not answering her texts earlier, but either way it’s a calculated move to make you feel pain and anxiety and that is never healthy. I think you should call the whole damn thing off and be thankful she’s showing her true colors now and not blind siding you with it 5 years into marriage like some people do.
I’m really sorry you are hurting. I hope you land on your feet and keep in mind that it’s not you, it really is her.