Post # 1
I need some advice…
I like most of my fiancee’s friends…about 80% I really enjoy, to the point that we are now friends too (we even hang out when the fiancee is busy etc). But there is one group of guys who are totally vulgar, rude, immature and classless.
Example: One guy actually took his shirt off on the dance floor of his own wedding reception to show a giant arrow he shaved in his body hair pointing at his you-know-what! Seriously.
This group of guys tends to be my fianeee’s football watching, beer drinking group…they don’t really have much in common, or even have normal conversations beyond belching and yelling obscentities at the TV. I try to stay home or make other plans when he is with these guys…my fiancee knows I can’t stand them.
Now, HE WANTS TO INVITE THIS GROUP TO OUR WEDDING! What do I do? We are having a BLACK TIE wedding, and neither my parents, or my fiancee’s parents would appreciate this kind of behavior for these people. I have already been told by one of them, the only thing classy about our wedding day will be the black bow ties around their necks…with no shirts!
I am embarassed to be anywhere near these people in Washington, DC….I can’t bear to have them around on our wedding day. My Fiancee doesn;t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and actually thinks of these guys as friends (even though I have no relationship with them whatsoever). How can I make my fiancee understand that we CANNOT invite this group of friends?
Any advice is appreciated!
Post # 3
I am sorry but I don’t think you can tell your Fiance that he can’t invite a group of guys to his wedding. Yes they crack jokes about not wearing shirts to your wedding, when obviously they will and yes they may act vulgar when they control the feel of the situation (at home watching a game or even at his own wedding). But I am sure all of them have been to affairs where they have acted completely responsible.
If your wedding is more classy and no one else is acting a fool I really don’t think that they will act inappropriately and I do think your FI has the right to invite his friends to the wedding!
Good Luck and welcome to the Hive!
Post # 4
I hope you are right!
Thanks for the advice! Do you think my Fiancee should have a talk with these guys prior to the wedding about behaving themselves etc.?
Maybe our guest list will burst and we will have to drop them off….I can wish right?! 🙂
Post # 5
I don’t think you can tell him that he can’t invite them, but you can tell him that he MUST make sure they know to behave themselves or they will be asked to leave. You can also tell the bartenders to cut them off early if they are drinking too much, and hire security to remove them if they are acting badly. Make sure you FI knows that if he invites them, he is going to have to be responsible for their behavior, including standing up to them and telling them to knock it off or even leave if it comes to that.
I agree with Future Mrs. Martin though, if they see it is a classy, elegant affair they probably won’t act up. The reason people behave like that is because they get positive reinforcement from the people around them. If they are in a place where they know everyone would just think they were total jackasses and where they would likely be kicked out, they will keep themselves in line.
Post # 6
I posted on your other thread too, but for the sake of streamlining, I’ll move it here.
Perhaps they’ll mature in a year. But really, as much as people may act up, or say they’re going to do something, I think at the end of the day MOST people understand that a wedding is neither the time or the place. I would be tempted to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’ll act like gentlemen at your wedding.
Post # 7
Go ahead and put them on the guest list for now. You still have a lot of time before your wedding, so hopefully your FI will learn to see it your way, prior to you actually having to finalize the guest list.
Post # 8
They are you FI’s friends and if it is important to him that they be there, you need to invite them. They may joke – my FI’s friends do all the time – but when it comes time to attend a black tie affair, they’ll tailor their behavior to the occasion.
Post # 9
I totally *am* one of those guys. Well, not a guy, but watching football, yelling obscenities at the TV, trying to stir stuff up at parties. But I’d also hope that my being a little bit ridiculous at times doesn’t mean I can’t go nice places.
It sounds like your fiance is pretty close to them, it’s just that you never clicked with him like you did with his other friends. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel close to them and want to invite them. You really are making yourself into the villain if you ban him outright from inviting them.
Here’s the thing – it’s important to work the middle ground here. Clearly, this will be a black tie affair. Nobody wants to be making a fool of themselves when nobody is amused. BUT there are lots of people who want to make a spectacle of themselves and watch people drive themselves silly trying to deal with it. Don’t make it a big deal that they show up. Make it clear it’s a nice event and they’d be out of place without shirts, but don’t freak out when they tease you about it.
Also – greenleafmountain’s suggestion of letting the bartender know he should be wary that they might need to get cut off is a good one.
Post # 10
Hi ladies. We just had our black tie optional wedding (I know a lot of you gals don’t even approve of that one but out of respect for folks who didn’t have or couldn’t afford a tux and so forth…but to set people straight about the level of dressy-ness we were going to be ourselves-and looking for). At any rate, about three of FIs friends were the way you describe, and I was really nervous about it. One insisted (he thinks he’s Elvis and wears the wig to work)! that he sing/perform and entire Elvis set and he becomes real obnoxious, dirty dancing with women of all ages and so forth. Well, two days before the wedding I had to call one of the other guys — cause FI wouldn’t do it — and gently suggest that the other friend shouldn’t come in his dazzling white costume for one thing cause i’d be the only one in costume that day (I actually said that as breezily as I could) and that we’d really love to hear him sing two elvis songs, as a kind of toast/gift to us, and NOT a full set. Well, let me tell you — those TWO elvis songs were one of the highights of the evenings, whch was a blast overall. everyone came out to dance on an already happenin’ dance floor.. and the rest of the evening, these guys looked good, acted appropriately (because the evening called for it)… and in the end, i kinda wished i had left it alone and let him sing a whole set! my very snooty work bosses were practically on the floor laughing and, yes, dancing. we can’t control everyone and maybe sometimes we shouldn’t even try. the behavior of 100 or so people is not, can not, be a reflection on us, I mean, really? right? so i would just say to keep on running what you can control… like the flowers and decor and your gorgeous attire and vows, etc. these guys will get in line or turn out to be the life of the party. you’ll see. and i also kinda regret some of the tension i had built up with hubby about these friends of his beforehand…