Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend for approx. 5yrs. I love him dearly but his family makes me want to slip on my Nike’s and run for the freakin’ hills. His parents are divorced…Mom is a functional alcoholic but Dad…oh Dad. He is a raging, aggressive, abusive alcoholic. My future sister in law and 2 year old niece live in the house and he is constantly throwing them out, or physically abusing my sister in law but no matter what we say to her, we’re idiots and she doesn’t know what we are talking about but it doesn’t stop her from calling at 11pm, 12am, etc. because yet another crisis is happening. He actually got so drunk, he left the family dog in a hot car in August and you know exactly what happened. But calls to the police, MSPCA, DCF does nothing and this has been happening more frequently that I actually want to leave my boyfriend because I don’t want to be apart of this family for the rest of my life or raise children around these people.
He himself is a great guy, kind, caring, compassionate but he’ll never change this pattern or stand up for OUR life and the fact they take advantage of him. His overwhelming sense of responsibility which is admirable in it’s right, takes and takes and takes from the life we are building or trying to. I can go on and on about the countless aggravation they cause because if you can even believe it, that’s just the tip of the dysfunctional iceberg.
I know it’s selfish but at this point I feel like I am losing valuable parts of myself and starting to change and adapt to this negativity. I’m starting to see the world dark and dim instead of hopeful. I don’t want to leave him but I can’t be around them. Sidenote: I am a survivor of domestic violence and my ex was an addict, my boyfriend’s father is a HUGE trigger for me.
Post # 2
Wow, that’s a tough situation. But if your SO won’t put boundaries in place and actually enforce them then I don’t know how you can stay. It may feel selfish to walk away but if he’s always putting you and your relationship second to his family then he’s also being selfish and basically showing you that you are the only one who will put you first which is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship.
Have you spoken with your SO about how this is all effecting you? Or that you are considering leaving? What does he say?
Post # 3
I think you’re perfectly right to not want to sign up for this for the rest of your life. Have you talked to your Fiance in depth about this and how it makes you feel? Does he know you’re thinking of leaving because of this? It sucks but if your Fiance isn’t willing to create some boundaries then I think you only have two options:
1) realize that this will be your life forever and just accept it; or
2) break up with your Fiance.
ETA: I don’t know how I could ever talk to someone again who killed their dog by leaving them in a hot car. My rage boils at that!
Post # 4
As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional family like this, I got out as soon as possible and moved far away. I cut contact with the most toxic people, and remain on good terms with other family members but am not close with them and only see them a few times a year, for a few days at a time. I think this is necessary for my health and sanity. Given my upbringing, I’m sensitive to the fact that people aren’t their families – I don’t think his family by itself is a dealbreaker. I DO think that involving himself with his family and dragging you into it IS a deal breaker, though. How close do you live to them, and how often do you see them? I think you need to make clear to him that you are not willing to deal with their BS, that he shouldn’t be either. You make it sound like they are a big enough part of both your lives that you are actively, negatively impacted by their poor choices, and I think that’s a massive problem. If you consider a future together, I highly recommend distancing yourself from them, and ideally moving far away… it may sound drastic, but moving away is the best thing I ever did.
Post # 5
That’s part of the problem, my actual morals are being compromised and you’re basically forcing me to sit the company of a man I wish I never had to see again. We can’t do joint family things because my parents absolutely refuse to see my Fiance father….ugh, it’s so dramatic!!!
Post # 6
We live town away unfortunately and we wouldn’t be moving for at least anohter year or two (saving for a house). We are there for a few hours at a time every few days. I just find myself becoming so…aggressive? If that makes sense?
Post # 7
What is your FI’s response when you tell him all of this?
Post # 8
I’m sorry you’re in such a bad position. Obviously it’s easier said than done, but I think you need to tell your Fiance if he’s not willing to set boudaries or cut ties with the toxic people in his family, then YOUR (as in the two of you together) family unit will not survive. If this is so bad to the point that it’s changing you for the worse, then you need to get out – with or without him.
Post # 9
This is an unhealthy dynamic for you. Your SO needs to either make a huge change – as in cut off his father – or you need to leave. No person is worth hurting your mental health or wellbeing.
Post # 10
This is really tough, but to make it work in a situation like this you would need your SO to be willing to distance himself and set firm boundaries, always prioritizing your relationship above the one he has with his family. It does not sound like this is happening.
The fact that your entire outlook on life has become gloomy and dark as a direct result of your SO/his family is really really bad bee. Your relationship should be a source of stability in your life…it should lift you up, not bring you down.
I think it’s time for a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Lay it out for him plain and clear. Tell him you love him but cannot be a part of this any longer. If he’s not willing to distance himself, it’s over. Counseling might be worth trying too if he’s open to it. But if he’s not even open to considering the idea of separating himself from his family, I don’t see how this relationship will ever improve bee.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Stop going to visit them and see what happens. My bet is that your Fiance will be furious, because you are his meat shield stopping him from copping the abuse, and without you there he will be the target. If he’s not going to stand up for you (and himself), then you should offer him two alternatives: counselling, so that he puts you first, or you will leave. It won’t change by itself.
Post # 12
At the very least, you should refuse to visit them most of the time. He wants to spend “a few hours at a time every few days” there? Let him do it alone.
But if he continues to put them ahead of you, it is time to leave him.
Post # 13
It isn’t selfish to save yourself from misery and damage. And what about the children you may have? Going to plunge them into this horror story? If he won’t cut them off, you’ll have to leave him. They are changing you for the worse.