(Closed) Fiance's and their families – A crossroads

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
10508 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Wow, that’s a tough situation. But if your SO won’t put boundaries in place and actually enforce them then I don’t know how you can stay. It may feel selfish to walk away but if he’s always putting you and your relationship second to his family then he’s also being selfish and basically showing you that you are the only one who will put you first which is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship.

Have you spoken with your SO about how this is all effecting you? Or that you are considering leaving? What does he say?

Post # 3
Member
6936 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I think you’re perfectly right to not want to sign up for this for the rest of your life. Have you talked to your Fiance in depth about this and how it makes you feel? Does he know you’re thinking of leaving because of this? It sucks but if your Fiance isn’t willing to create some boundaries then I think you only have two options:

1) realize that this will be your life forever and just accept it; or

2) break up with your Fiance. 

ETA: I don’t know how I could ever talk to someone again who killed their dog by leaving them in a hot car. My rage boils at that! 

Post # 4
Member
2789 posts
Sugar bee

As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional family like this, I got out as soon as possible and moved far away. I cut contact with the most toxic people, and remain on good terms with other family members but am not close with them and only see them a few times a year, for a few days at a time. I think this is necessary for my health and sanity. Given my upbringing, I’m sensitive to the fact that people aren’t their families – I don’t think his family by itself is a dealbreaker. I DO think that involving himself with his family and dragging you into it IS a deal breaker, though. How close do you live to them, and how often do you see them? I think you need to make clear to him that you are not willing to deal with their BS, that he shouldn’t be either. You make it sound like they are a big enough part of both your lives that you are actively, negatively impacted by their poor choices, and I think that’s a massive problem. If you consider a future together, I highly recommend distancing yourself from them, and ideally moving far away… it may sound drastic, but moving away is the best thing I ever did. 

Post # 7
Member
6936 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
Jenna0822 :  What is your FI’s response when you tell him all of this?

Post # 8
Member
722 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Jenna0822 :  I’m sorry you’re in such a bad position.  Obviously it’s easier said than done, but I think you need to tell your Fiance if he’s not willing to set boudaries or cut ties with the toxic people in his family, then YOUR (as in the two of you together) family unit will not survive.  If this is so bad to the point that it’s changing you for the worse, then you need to get out – with or without him.

Post # 9
Member
10508 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

This is an unhealthy dynamic for you. Your SO needs to either make a huge change – as in cut off his father – or you need to leave. No person is worth hurting your mental health or wellbeing. 

Post # 10
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This is really tough, but to make it work in a situation like this you would need your SO to be willing to distance himself and set firm boundaries, always prioritizing your relationship above the one he has with his family. It does not sound like this is happening.

The fact that your entire outlook on life has become gloomy and dark as a direct result of your SO/his family is really really bad bee. Your relationship should be a source of stability in your life…it should lift you up, not bring you down. 

I think it’s time for a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Lay it out for him plain and clear. Tell him you love him but cannot be a part of this any longer. If he’s not willing to distance himself, it’s over. Counseling might be worth trying too if he’s open to it. But if he’s not even open to considering the idea of separating himself from his family, I don’t see how this relationship will ever improve bee.

Post # 11
Member
2799 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Stop going to visit them and see what happens. My bet is that your Fiance will be furious, because you are his meat shield stopping him from copping the abuse, and without you there he will be the target.  If he’s not going to stand up for you (and himself), then you should offer him two alternatives: counselling, so that he puts you first, or you will leave.  It won’t change by itself.

Post # 12
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

At the very least, you should refuse to visit them most of the time. He wants to spend “a few hours at a time every few days” there? Let him do it alone.

But if he continues to put them ahead of you, it is time to leave him.

Post # 13
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

It isn’t selfish to save yourself from misery and damage. And what about the children you may have? Going to plunge them into this horror story? If he won’t cut them off, you’ll have to leave him. They are changing you for the worse.

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