Fiance's aunt wants to turn our destination wedding into a family vacation

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 76
Member
2857 posts
Sugar bee

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mrsginger :  I was wondering when someone was going to mention the “3-7 day” wedding!!! lol

Post # 77
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Here I am going against the grain again! I see where you’re coming from OP. At my wedding, people (my inlaws) kept talking about how a wedding is “a wedding, but also a family reunion.” Ummm No. If you want to have a family reunion (/vacation) then plan and pay for it yourself. 

I do think the fact that you’re having a destination wedding complicates things. I wouldn’t be opposed to having the kids on the island as long as they knew they weren’t included in any of the wedding events, but then I also wouldn’t have planned a 10 day wedding extravaganza.

As a parent, if this were me, I would either (1) leave my kid with a family member and come with just my husband, or (2) bring my kid and only stay a couple of days before and after the wedding, or (3) politely decline. If I brought my kids, I would have the tact not to bring them along to adult events. But honestly I would probably just decline because I wouldn’t want to leave my baby!

What’s off-putting to me, is the fact that they keep referring to your wedding as a “family vacation.” In my mind, it’s a wedding – not a family reunion, not a family vacation – a wedding. ETA: A wedding is not a summons (especially not a destination wedding), and they’re free to decline if they would like to spend their time/vacation days elsewhere. I would expect most people to decline, and wouldn’t be offended by that at all! 

Post # 78
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2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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Soon2bmrs1 :  but they are (the guests) paying for it, themselves. Unless the OP is paying for all airfare, accommodations, meals, excursions for everyone invited. You don’t hold a week long wedding… that’s a vacation. A wedding includes the hosted (paid for) events. 

Post # 79
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee

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jannigirl :  I agree with you to some extent. I think a multi-day event is totally ridiculous, and the bride can’t dictate what other people do when they’re not at the wedding. BUT I do see why she’s hurt. It seems like the family cares more about the  vacation than they do about the wedding. Destination or not, I would be hurt if someone said they weren’t coming to my wedding, but they were still coming into town to hang out with the rest of the family before and after the wedding. It makes it seem like they’re taking the opportunity for a family vacation, and the wedding is just an unimportant side show. 

Post # 80
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8937 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Soon2bmrs1 :  If OP was having a no-kids wedding locally and someone declined because of the no-kids thing, does that mean they can’t hang out with other friends and family that week? No. So if this person wants to come enjoy some family time on their own dime and skip the wedding because of the no-kids thing, who cares? The bride and groom don’t own the island and they don’t own the whole fricking week.

ETA: And you say you see why the OP is hurt, but can you also see why her family would be hurt that she expects them to spend all this time and money on her pretty princess day but says “leave your brats home, I don’t wanna see ’em” ?

Post # 81
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2394 posts
Buzzing bee

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Daisy_Mae :  If they were local, no I wouldn’t be offended – they’re already there. But if they’re making the effort and spending the money to come to town, but they skip the wedding and just hang out with family, I would be hurt. It’s sending a clear message that they’re willing to travel, but only for family time, not for OP’s wedding. I would be hurt, so I understand where the OP’s coming from. 

I never said they owned the island or “the whole fricking week.”

We have different opinions and that’s ok – we can agree to disagree. 

Post # 82
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

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Daisy_Mae :  I don’t think she’s saying “leave your brats home I don’t want to see ’em.” I’m a parent, and I’m not offended at all when I get invited to adults only events. I certainly don’t think that’s what people are saying when I receive adults only invites.

I also don’t think she *expects* anyone to spend their time and money to come. It’s an invitation, not a summons. 

You can disagree with adults only destination weddings, but that’s a different issue. 

 ETA: emphasis on the word *expects.* I’m sure she hopes they’re willing to spend their time and money to come, but no one should expect it – especially for destination weddings. I’m not invested in this enough to back and check, but I think she even said that she expected people to turn the invitation down if it wasn’t convenient. 

Post # 83
Member
7078 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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amsedlacek :  If you are having a destination wedding, people will make it into their vacation.  No one just drops money to go to wedding that far away without making a trip out of it.  I had a destination wedding with a no kids rule, besides my stepson and niece.  However, if one of our friends or families with kids said we really want to make it, but I need to bring my child, I would have let them do that… the fact that they’re willing to drop that money to go to your wedding is incredible.

In fact, a couple of our friends did want to make a family vacation out of our small 25-guest wedding.  They invited their parents, uncle, and kids to the location, and their kids and uncle watched the wedding from the sidewalk (even though I invited them to sit), and their parents watched the wedding with our guests, but didn’t attend the reception.  I was worried that stepson’s bio-mom and stepdad wouldn’t be able to make it to our destination wedding without their two younger children, so I made sure to let SS’s mom know that if she needs to bring the kids, we can try our best to accommodate them.

You need to relax a bit.  If you want an easy, enjoyable wedding day, stop letting things bother you so much.  When the day begins, you’re not responsible for anyone but yourself.  Enjoy your day.

Post # 84
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

You’re all being dramatic and harsh. I understand OP’s irritation. I wouldn’t be psyched about people who aren’t invited to the wedding being at the venue, nearby and snubbed. A bit awkward. Also, the possibility of these people showing up during some of the festivities would be an unwelcome concern.

Post # 85
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

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amsedlacek :  To me DWs are pretty selfish cuz just because u want a pretty wedding at a cool place but at less cost you put that cost on your guest.( Instead of spending couple hundred dollar now they’ve have to spend couple thousand dollar plus they have to take days out of their vacation days). Only time they are okay is when bride n grooms family n frens are all over n it will be a Destination Wedding for half of guests wherever the ceremony takes place. After skipping to pay for those tens of thousands of dollars( which they would have had to spend had they done it locally) n making their guests subsidize heavily n making their guests take days off out of their vacation days, these brides have the audacity to complain!!!

I understand that u want a no child ceremony which u have every right to. You can simply say ‘ u are welcome to bring anyone you want to the destination but the ceremony will be strictly no child’. Rest should not be your business if they bring their kid to snorkeling or not, or if they can or not. Are u paying for all that? I assume no, so I don’t think u have a right to demand that. If u definitely don’t want kids at any event that u are hosting, u can probably say that. Which also means they can skip ur snorkeling trip n go on their own since they are paying for it, n u should be fine with that. Ya if there is a booze cruise, of course they cannot bring kids, n that’s not ur problem. They  will need to either make arrangement n come or not come at all.

U get 1 day tops , ceremony n reception no kids( No u do not need to feel compelled to invite them).

U cannot ask ur guest to stop their world for 10 days or 7  or 5 or 3 or even 2 days. U should be happy that they made an effort to be there for ur big day!!! Unless u are secretly hoping no one would come.

Post # 87
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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katebluestone :  attending weddings isn’t always voluntary. The reality is that there often are family and social expectations surrounding attending an event. Perhaps people feel a sense of obligation to attend? And that’s okay. But let’s not pretend that if given no social blowbacks, all of us would choose to spend several thousand dollars and a week’s vacation to attend a niece’s wedding. Especially a niece who doesn’t want to see cousins and other children. How welcome do you think this Aunt feels? How good of a host is the OP being?

Post # 88
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Honestly, I think everyone in this situation is a bit out of line.  I think it is rude for the cousin to say that they will be coming for the vacation portion only but I also think you are being unreasonable in saying that kids cannot even come to some of the pre/post wedding festivities.  If I were you, I would try to meet some where in the middle.  Tell the cousins to bring their kids, plan a few activities in which the kids can be included, and hire a babysitter for the wedding day.  If the resort is family friendly, I would bet that they have sitter services available.  I’ll be honest: I would totally side-eye someone saying that they are willing to travel all this way for a family vacation without actually going to the wedding but I think you need to be more accommodating.  

Post # 89
Member
2235 posts
Buzzing bee

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jannigirl :  I totally agree that the OP is wrong here for all the reasons stated by PPs. The post I quoted was funny – the OP is acting like her guests are hostages who must do as she says before, during and after her wedding.

So I don’t understand what you’re not understanding?….

Post # 90
Member
2235 posts
Buzzing bee

And does nobody get that the cousin who declined the wedding is saying F*U* to this rude bride and groom who are choosing to trash relationships over their perfect wedding?……

I love that cousin!

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