Fiance's aunt wants to turn our destination wedding into a family vacation

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 91
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2007

I totally understand wanting a kid free wedding and reception because I’m not a kid person. I also happen to love attending destination weddings! I love a great resort and I’m a resort snob.  That said, unless you are going to an all adult resort there are going to be tons of children. Tons! Also, most family resorts have onsite kids clubs and activities. Let your quests bring their kids!  While you are trying to have a drink at the pool bar would you rather have a strangers kid splash you or a family member’s child?  I promise you it is going to happen because you didn’t book an all adult venue. Relax and have a great time. Everyone will be off and doing their own thing. 

Post # 92
Member
2038 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

ill add to what a few others said, you wont be able to avoid kids even if you demand your guests leave theirs at home, your going to a resort and im guessing not during the off season, you will be surrounded by other kids probably the entire time. So i would think long and hard about how “child-free” you expect your wedding week to be. 

Same with excursions, if your booking through super popular companies i guarantee you will be having to do activities with complete strangers kids. 

Post # 93
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Joining this late but my opinion is you politely say that you  unfortunately cannot allow children at the wedding as other close couples attending are leaving their kids at home, however you would look forward to seeing your aunt and cousin and that they shouldn’t feel the need to seperate themselves from the vacationing party in the days around the wedding. 

Post # 94
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
LadyKM :  If you read the OPs posts carefully, especially the first one, they don’t want children at *any* of the activities, not just the wedding.

 

Post # 95
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
katebluestone :  I understand (I’ve read the whole thread) but to echo what other posters have said, this wedding is going to bring together two families and all the politics and chaos that comes with that. Clearly this guest has made a non negotiable decision to bring their kids so the OP either lets this ruin everything or finds a compromise. Putting your foot down about the no kids rule on the big day is totally reasonable, and should be understood by the aunt, but ultimately you can’t stop someone bringing their child on vacation and the best thing to do under those circumstances is just roll with it. OP shouldn’t amend any activities for the sake of the lone child, the booze cruise is a clear enough indication this isn’t meant for kiddies, but it won’t benefit anyone if OP is on constant ‘child alert’ either. Now is not a time to drive a wedge between family members, particularly as OP’s Fiance seems I want these  family members to attend. 

Ps – I say this as someone who vehemently wanted a child free wedding but ended up having to compromise for various reasons. I look back and cringe a little at how rude I was to some guests about not bringing their kids, I wish I’d just let it go and opened up the invitation to everyone as I really didn’t notice them on the day (and if anything when I watch the wedding video, the kids all look like they’re having such a fun time it’s pretty cute!) 

Post # 96
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
LadyKM :  Agreed! I hope the OP is reconsidering and figuring out a compromise for everyone. (not on the big day, but the rest of the days.)

Post # 97
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

View original reply
LadyKM :  At my cousin’s wedding the kids ruined about $2,000 worth of table clothes and china while the parents drank and ignored them. They also didn’t offer to pay for the ruined items so it fell to the bride and the groom. Not so cute. Her sister was very adament that there would be no kids at her wedding and if people thought she was rude she reminded them of this and she always laughs about the fact that now none of her friends have kid-friendly weddings. It’s like her sister’s wedding became a “what not to do example” for everyone else.

You weren’t rude, your guests were rude and entitled for demanding their kids be there after you had said no. No one is rude for wanting a childfree wedding. There are lots of practical reasons to not want them there.

That said, OP can’t demand that her family leave kids at home while at a destination wedding..unless she’s paying for their accomadations and even then 3-7 days is a long time.

Post # 98
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Not wanting kids at your ceremony is reasonable (even laudable). Demanding everyone take a 7-day vacation at a specific resort and threatening to not let them attend the wedding if they decide to include their families in the many, many non-ceremony/reception activities is insane. At that point, just elope to an Adults Only resort and be done with it!

Post # 99
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee

Not sure if this has been suggested but can you hire a resort babysitter to watch the kids day of wedding? 

Post # 100
Member
7171 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I haven’t read through the entire thread….but here are my thoughts (as a destination wedding photographer). I 100% support kid-free weddings (I had one) simply because most of the time the kids are a disruption. People can argue against that until they are blue in the face, but I attend more weddings in one year than most people do in a lifetime and I can tell you that without fail pretty much every wedding with kids – they are a problem. Why? Parenting. When I was a kid if you acted up in public (FYI my parents didn’t take us to weddings until we were old enough to sit and behave, and only if we were invited) you got your ass smacked and removed from the situation. These days the kids run the show and their parents let them scream, wiggle, run around, and make a mess of things. Are kids always being bad? No, but they ARE being kids and that kind of behavior is ok on the playground or at home….not at a wedding.

As for your specific situation, you can’t tell them they cannot bring their kids with them and make a vacation out of it. What you can do is tell them that kids are not invited to the wedding, so while they are well within their right to bring them on vacation, they had better make childcare arrangements for them during the wedding/reception. If they balk or complain about that, that’s not your problem. They knew it was a kid-free wedding and if they choose to book travel and bring their kids anyway it’s their own damn fault. They could easily have stayed home. DW’s are not a summons to court, it’s optional and people don’t have to go.

Post # 101
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

OK my first thought is that this is really laughable that you think a 10 day destination wedding to a tropical locale (I’m guessing tropical based on the booze cruise) is a “simple” destination wedding.

I do understand your worry that her bringing her kids will mean that they eventually merge in with your plans with their kids. That is a valid worry that should be addressed. If you don’t want the kids on the booze cruise or anything like that, you have every right to ask them not to come. 

However, I have a slightly different perspective than what I’ve seen on here so far. You said:

But a couple days ago fiance’s aunt calls him up and says it’s just not worth it to take a vacation without the whole family there, so can they book rooms at the other end of the resort for fiance’s cousin and kid?

Ok, so I’ve been to several destination weddings and I’ve planned plenty of trips down to mexico. Where I am in the US, getting to Mexico is super cheap. So on a very conservative basis, you’re asking your aunt and cousin to spend a few thousand dollars to come to your wedding. (Airfare, accomodations for 10 days, possibly food, several excersions, wedding gift, appropriate wedding attire, and possibly childcare for a week.) At that price, I would not be able to take a second vacation the same year. Now I’m not sure about anyone else, but I’m not going to prevent my child from going on vacation one year just because I wanted to go to a wedding. And I can guarantee you that my mom would rather go on a family trip with me and my baby and my brother and his kids than one of her neice or nephew’s wedding. You’re asking your cousin and aunt to possibly give up their family vacation this year to attend your wedding. 

You can not want the kids at your wedding. You can not want the kids at wedding activities. But to want your aunt (extended family) to give up her family vacation with her kids and grandkids (immediate family) to go to your wedding is pretty selfish. 

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