Fiancés been secretly ordering cialis

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

jenndubya :  

The way you respond to everyones replies makes it clear why he never told you about the pills.

It’s not about YOU. It’s about him. It doesn’t matter what act he’s partaking in. If he needs it, ED is a medical condition and it’s not about you…..

It’s just not about you. Period.

Post # 18
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

jenndubya :  And you feel that it’s okay for him to feel like he had to hide that from you? 

Post # 19
Member
2508 posts
Sugar bee

You are centering yourself far too much in this situation. Why does the fact that he can get off with a blow job but not sex mean that it’s YOU? Clearly, he enjoys getting head from you…? Your logic isn’t rational and is coming from insecurities, not reality. 

PLEASE do not make his pshycosomatic issues with sex worse by making him responsibile for your insecurities and piling on guilt.

He started taking the meds secretly because you were doing that to him in the beginning. 

Just imagine if he got tense and upset and guilt-tripped you every time YOU didn’t orgasm. It would quickly begin to mess with your head, you wouldn’t be able to stay in the present moment because of worrying during the act, and you definitely wouldn’t be orgasming any time soon.

I’ve run into this with a guy before. What worked for me (advice from a close guy friend at the time) was to dirty talk with the guy. It interrupted his worrying thought processes and helped him to stay in the moment and get back in touch with his bodily sensations. 

Post # 20
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

jenndubya :  No advice–just wanted to offer my support. My SO–at age 27–just lost his virginity to me at the beginning of January. As I kind of anticipated, he’s had trouble finishing just from sex. Whether it makes sense or not, it can make one feel so self-conscious, feeling insufficient in some way or something. You’re not alone!

I know in my SO’s case, he gets in his head a lot and psyches himself out. He knows I feel like I’m not good enough if I can’t finish him with just sex, which puts more pressure on him, which doesn’t help at all! I’m sure the right thing to do is just enjoy sexytime without the be-all-end-all goal being an orgasm from him, so that’s what I’m going to try to do. It’s just hard feeling not good enough even when you know logically it’s not about you.

Post # 22
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

MeandYou :  My friend’s fiance has this problem, he is always so worried if he’s pleasing her that he can’t finish.  But he can come with oral sex because he doesn’t have to worry.  Maybe that could be something to bring up?

Post # 23
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

jenndubya :  What do you mean he hides a lot of things from you? Why were you looking through his email in the first place?

Post # 24
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

jenndubya :  If that’s the case then I would’t be worried about that. I’d be more worried about the relationship. 

llevinso :  I second this.

Post # 27
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I remember you from your post about the female friend, so I can see why you don’t like the fact that he is hiding this from you. I can also see why you feel it is you to blame for his ED, even thought you are not to blame. The fact that he says he “never had this problem before” does not mean it is true. Unless you were there during his sexual acts with other woman, you should take his words with a grain of salt.

Honestly, I would just ask him. If this is truly the man you are planning to marry, you deserve to knlw about any health related issue. What if you decided to have kids but turns out he can’t because of those pills? What if eventually he stops taking it and there’s no more sex in the relationship?

Also, I am wondering if maybe his ED is the reason he is taking distance from the friend. Perhaps he feels he can’t satisfied her, but he can satisfy you…hence being with you and not with her, and not putting any boundaries. 

Post # 28
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think you should tell him you know and let him know you support him and so he doesn’t need to hide things from you. Also another thing to note is that sex and oral sex are completely different things. My Fiance can finish from oral sex in 1 minute depending how I do it. Sex can take 5, 10 minutes possibly more and it’s possible sometimes that he can’t finish at all. It’s really a medical issue that your Fiance has, nothing to do with you or having sex with you. His problem obviously effects him in not being able to finish. However oral sex is not a fair analysis since there is no work required besides relaxing and enjoying so it’s much easier for a man to finish that way. 

Post # 30
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2019

jenndubya :  I have to second a look at porn addiction as a PP mentioned, especially if he has a problem hiding things from you. I would NEVER discount physiological causes but psychological causes should be looked into as well. Low sex drive, ED, DE, and inability to finish during regular intercourse all fit the bill for porn/sex addiction. Having dealt with it myself in a couple relationships, I’m glad to have addressed all possibilities. When a SO quit porn and masturbation things got better fairly quickly and continued to improve inside the bedroom AND out. 🙂

If interested, check out the TedX talk The Great Porn Experiment, and try googling PIED, delayed ejaculation, and porn addiction. There are more and more resources out there as this seels to be an emerging and fast-growing problem with younger and younger men.

Even if it is porn related, remember this has nothing to do with you  it’s hard not to feel that way, trust me I know. Bit try to remember this is his issue, regardless of the cause, and be supportive to him AND yourself as best you can.

For what it’s worth, I was ok with porn til I saw what the addiction did to my relationships, my sex life, and my self esteem. Being turned down for porn sucks. Ive even read stories of cheating, webcams, escorts, where so many started with porn (addiction) that then escalated because of the need for novelty. 

This is just my experience of course. Good luck!

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