Post # 1
Hey guys! I’ve posted here before recently worrying about getting engage and having it conflict with my boyfriend’s brother and his girlfriend. Well, we just decided to get engaged before christmas just in case (I had no idea when it was gonna happen just knew it was before, yay!!!!!!! so excited)
We have an interesting history with his brother & girlfriend. My fiance has an older brother & sister. His brother has a habit of being very immature about things. I’m very close with their sister and her kids (her newest baby is actually my goddaughter) and my Brother-In-Law hates that because his girlfriend isn’t. I’ve really had no issue with his girlfriend and both their sister & I have tried talking to her but she won’t talk to anyone in the family at all really and if she does its either a backhanded compliment or just a flat out rude remark OR she just ignores us. I think his brother is very aware his girlfriend is like this and is frustrated because she’s not close to us. I’ve tried inviting her to things or striking up a conversation and it never works so I’m not really sure what else I can do there except just continue to be nice.
I’m at his sisters a lot with the kids and we’re just really close so she ended up choosing me as the godmother to the baby. I planned and threw the whole baby shower and asked the girlfriend to help and she never replied to my message. My Brother-In-Law was out of his mind that I was chosen, which I do understand it’s definitely a little awkward but his gf only met the kids a few times and I’m really close with them so it did sorta make sense that she asked me. He called his sister out and when his sister mentioned that his girlfriend was asked to help and never replied, he completely lied and said “Actually, she did reply and said she was far away but would help with what she could.” WHICH NEVER HAPPENED. I never got a message from her at all. I cleared it with people before he got to them just so my name wasn’t getting dragged through the mud. So he’s lied about that.
Now that we’re engaged, he’s mad. He called up their aunt (which another family member told me about) and the gist of it is, he’s annoyed we’re getting attention and he knows when he gets engaged people will really love that more. What the actual F. He’s also mad about a present my SIL gave me that had to do with the baby, which is….oh yeah that’s right…none of his business! He did congratulate us on getting engaged but his girlfriend hasn’t said a word to me or my fiance. Nothing. Which we’re both pretty insulted about. Now, I don’t need anyone to bow down to me AT ALL and that’s not what I’m implying, but it would be nice just to get a “congrats”. Even though I’m not a huge fan of them, I would STILL say congrats.
I’m just getting real sick of this. Anytime something nice and big happens, I always hear about the negative comments he’s making behind my back. I don’t know what I’ve even done except for try to include her and either get shut down, or lied about. It’s really taking a toll on me & my fiance. On one hand, my fiance wants to say something and I want him to but on the other hand, I don’t wanna cause a huge storm of drama. And this stuff he’s said is all stuff I’m technically not suppsoed to know so it would be hard for me to try to sort things out. Any advice on how to handle this? This is supposed to be happy time about getting engaged I’m just feeling pretty hurt.
Post # 2
Ignore them. They’re acting like children and naughty children only ramp up their behavior when it bothers you. So ignore them. Ignore their comments. Stop trying to be friendly. Be polite, but aloof.
Post # 3
linnoix : he’s a dick and dicks attract the same….hence his girlfriend who sounds absolutely delightful!! (sarcasm: she’s nasty)
Don’t let these two people steal your joy. Everybody who cares for you is happy about the situation. Everybody else in your fiancé family like you. Don’t worry about them. I’d also suggest when the family run and tell you what he said/she said, shut them down so you don’t have to hear it and worry about it. Be firm and polite. Say something like:
…I’ve tried my hardest with them, the situation is what it is. At this point hearing this type of stuff upsets me and as I cannot do anything to change it, I’d prefer not to hear about it from now on. I hope you understand….
Post # 4
I agree with bumblebug : They are acting like children and don’t seem to want to be friendly. So stop trying to fix anything with them, because they don’t seem interested, and it will continue to be an uphill battle… It’s on them to amend things if they want, but you’ve been trying and they haven’t met you halfway.
Be gentle and polite, because they may be fighting battles you don’t see- This doesn’t sound like the behavior of a happy person. But I agree that it’s frustrating. Sorry, bee.
Post # 5
linnoix : First of all, congratulations on your engagement and on being chosen to be the godmother to the kids! That is a statement of how liked you are and how useful you make yourself.
Now, we all know that when we stand out for something positive, that can make the people who stand out negatively hurt, and that is just a part of life. It is not your responsibility to make yourself shine less to make this guy (who sounds like a very immature person) or his girlfriend look good.
If they want to stand out, how about they put in the work?! You certainly did! You devoted time to getting to know the family, to being pleasant and of service to them… what does he expect?! For you to be more of a careless slob to lower the bar for his benefit?! F*ck that!
As for the advice on how to deal with it, a few things I would do in your place:
– Whenever you hear about these mean comments, look at your ring and look at pictures of your almost-nephew/niece. Shift the focus to the good things that will help you remember the problem is with them, not you.
– Whenever the comments they made are public, call them up on it. Bullies respond only to strength. “I mean no offense, but that’s really mean! You should’nt say stuff like that to people, specially in front of the kids. Is that the type of example you want to be for them?”
– Confront him when you hear what was said behind your back. Write him an email saying “Dude, this stuff is getting to me and it’s hurtful. We are going to be family, so if you have a problem let’s talk it out. We have children in the family (who are not your godchildren but mine, btw) who we are going to be examples for. Is that the example we want to be? Gossiping and being mean to one another? I’m willing to work through it. Are you?
You got this, Bee! Don’t let their bitterness and jealousy drag you down with them! You ROCK!
Post # 6
Congrats on your engagement! It sounds like your FI’s sane relatives adore you. And that’s really all that matters, right? When they vent and complain to others, I’m sure they just roll their eyes since they know what a doll you are.
I think BIL’s negativity stems from his unhappiness with his own life. He wants the sisters of the family to all hang out and get together but his Girlfriend is not playing nice or participating. He’s frustrated at his Girlfriend and knows she’s not making an effort so he’s lying to make it seem like it’s all your fault. Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s doing this but he definitely is.
Try to not let it get to you. His life sucks and he is unhappy. Don’t let him rain on your parade. You’re marrying the love of your life and his sane relatives adore you!
Post # 7
bumblebug : cmsgirl : paigerino : deethebee : bewitched :
Thank you all for the wondeful advice! I will definitly try my hardest to follow it all 🙂 It made me feel good knowing other people find this whole situation odd as well and I appreciate all the kind words. I know this behavior he’s displaying is from within and he’s unhappy his baby brother is engaged before him, but guess what? Sorry pal you had a lot of time to propose to your girlfriend and we had every right to get engaged just like they did. Unfortunately, the situation has gotten worse so I think I might as well just start a whole new thread about it. Sigh.