Fiance's brother keeps making hurtful comments…

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee

Ignore them. They’re acting like children and naughty children only ramp up their behavior when it bothers you. So ignore them. Ignore their comments. Stop trying to be friendly. Be polite, but aloof.

Post # 3
Member
4539 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

linnoix :  he’s a dick and dicks attract the same….hence his girlfriend who sounds absolutely delightful!! (sarcasm: she’s nasty)

Don’t let these two people steal your joy. Everybody who cares for you is happy about the situation. Everybody else in your fiancé family like you. Don’t worry about them. I’d also suggest when the family run and tell you what he said/she said, shut them down so you don’t have to hear it and worry about it. Be firm and polite. Say something like:

…I’ve tried my hardest with them, the situation is what it is. At this point hearing this type of stuff upsets me and as I cannot do anything to change it, I’d prefer not to hear about it from now on. I hope you understand….

 

Post # 4
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I agree with bumblebug :  They are acting like children and don’t seem to want to be friendly. So stop trying to fix anything with them, because they don’t seem interested, and it will continue to be an uphill battle… It’s on them to amend things if they want, but you’ve been trying and they haven’t met you halfway. 

Be gentle and polite, because they may be fighting battles you don’t see- This doesn’t sound like the behavior of a happy person. But I agree that it’s frustrating. Sorry, bee.

Post # 5
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

linnoix :  First of all, congratulations on your engagement and on being chosen to be the godmother to the kids! That is a statement of how liked you are and how useful you make yourself.

Now, we all know that when we stand out for something positive, that can make the people who stand out negatively hurt, and that is just a part of life. It is not your responsibility to make yourself shine less to make this guy (who sounds like a very immature person) or his girlfriend look good.

If they want to stand out, how about they put in the work?! You certainly did! You devoted time to getting to know the family, to being pleasant and of service to them… what does he expect?! For you to be more of a careless slob to lower the bar for his benefit?! F*ck that!

As for the advice on how to deal with it, a few things I would do in your place:

– Whenever you hear about these mean comments, look at your ring and look at pictures of your almost-nephew/niece. Shift the focus to the good things that will help you remember the problem is with them, not you.

– Whenever the comments they made are public, call them up on it. Bullies respond only to strength.  “I mean no offense, but that’s really mean! You should’nt say stuff like that to people, specially in front of the kids. Is that the type of example you want to be for them?” 

– Confront him when you hear what was said behind your back. Write him an email saying “Dude, this stuff is getting to me and it’s hurtful. We are going to be family, so if you have a problem let’s talk it out. We have children in the family (who are not your godchildren but mine, btw) who we are going to be examples for. Is that the example we want to be? Gossiping and being mean to one another? I’m willing to work through it. Are you?

You got this, Bee! Don’t let their bitterness and jealousy drag you down with them! You ROCK!

Post # 6
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee

Congrats on your engagement! It sounds like your FI’s sane relatives adore you. And that’s really all that matters, right? When they vent and complain to others, I’m sure they just roll their eyes since they know what a doll you are. 

I think BIL’s negativity stems from his unhappiness with his own life. He wants the sisters of the family to all hang out and get together but his Girlfriend is not playing nice or participating. He’s frustrated at his Girlfriend and knows she’s not making an effort so he’s lying to make it seem like it’s all your fault. Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s doing this but he definitely is. 

Try to not let it get to you. His life sucks and he is unhappy. Don’t let him rain on your parade. You’re marrying the love of your life and his sane relatives adore you! 

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