Fiances Brothers Wedding

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee

Your Future Sister-In-Law sounds pretty entitled, braggy and foolish. Never assume people are going to give you money until you have it in hand. I don’t understand about the $30,000. Is this what your parents are giving you toward your wedding? Plenty of couples pay for their own weddings these days, so forget what’s “fair”. Life is not fair, even within families. Yes, they may get more money than you and your fiance, simply by virtue of being first to marry. But so what? If you let it consume you with jealousy it only makes you look bad and greedy. I care a lot more about how I appear to others than I do about what I’m going to be given. So never mind what their wedding costs or how much they’re getting from your future in-laws, and shut down any future conversation about money with your Future Sister-In-Law. You have to understand that it really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things and put it in perspective. It’s just a party. 

Post # 18
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think when parents agree to help their kids out with things like weddings, they should keep it as equitible as possible. Sure, they have no obligation to help, but if they put themselves in a positiont to do so, it causes (understandable) hurt feelings when one sibling seems to be favored over another (absent extenuating circumstances). Of course, you will just have to live with it, but I do understand hurt feelings. As an aside, it’s likely not true that a $40,000 wedding was “no expenses spared.” I think that’s pretty average for a wedding and they probably had to make many decisions and compromises along the way.

Post # 19
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

vvbee43 :  you just have to change your mind set. We got to watch my bil and sister in law take many vacations a year (by airplane too) while my in-laws continued to pay their bills. It wasn’t jealousy as much as it was disgust. But my in-laws chose to continue to pay and they still pay. That’s their choice

I kept myself focused on our lives instead and I just let the disgust go

Irritation about her entitlement isn’t going to change a thing, but it’s going to upset you

Post # 20
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“It’s just a party.”

It’s always ironic to me when people comment on the same wedding forums where they have planned their own weddings and effectuate this breezy attitude that they don’t really matter and they are “just parties.” In the grand scheme of things, sure. But, in people’s lives, clearly their weddings are more than “just a party.” That’s why we’re here.

Post # 21
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

vvbee43 :  I can understand the way you’re feeling!  Even if logically we know it’s not our business, it’s normal to have an emotional reaction. 

I think you’re doing the right thing by getting a firm number from your future in-laws on what they would like to contribute.  It sounds like your families have been very generous, and like you said, it’s a blessing to have anything at all.  Focus on the positives, and just be happy you don’t behave like your FSIL!

Post # 22
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, keeping score with family isn’t going to get you anywhere but make you angry and resentful. I understand it’s hard not to in this situation because the weddings are so close together.

Also, you don’t know for sure what the in-laws are giving the other couple. Your Future Sister-In-Law may be exaggerating. And with your in-laws being vague about how much money they’re going to give you, who knows what the real story is.

Post # 23
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Life isn’t fair. My parents paid for 100% of my wedding and only chipped in here and there for my brother’s. It’s their money, so it’s their choice. May not seem fair to outsiders but they’d also been spending thousands on him over the years while we were growing up for all his sports stuff and never spent that kind of money on my interests. Same with my in-laws. They are paying for all of my SIL’s wedding and contributed minimally for ours. None of us are feeling upset about it or like any of the parents are playing favorites.  vvbee43 :  

ladyvk :  Really? Because she admits she’s concerned about what it means for her own wedding. She sounds equally entitled and selfish as she thinks her SIL is. 

Post # 24
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

vvbee43 :  I get why your frustrated.  I would be too in your situation.  It feels unfair.

That said, I cannot see your bill or sil behavior will endear them with your future inlaws.  My parents are quite well off, and will often help us out.  The one thing I’ve noticed over the years is that they are more generous when I behave respectfully.  They paid for my wedding, but I was super mindful of their budget.  All the upgrades were at my parents insistence.  Of course I was excited to have a nicer wedding, but I didn’t want to insist on a 50k wedding when their budget was 5k.

Partly because of my attitude, they have since offered to help us out with other things financially.  It has been a great help and they often offer to pay more than we need or refuse to be paid back when we try to give them their money back.  They have been more generous with me than my sister because she is more of a mooch and has more “expectations”. 

Its just my experience, but in the long run your inlaws are more likely to help you out if they dont think of you as over reaching now.   It is unlikely that this is the last time a little financial assistance will make your life easier/better.  Plus you can have a lovely wedding with 30k!

Post # 25
Member
4850 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I actually don’t understand your issue, are you upset that your inlaws might not contribute the same amount to both weddings even though your parents are covering most of your wedding?

All you know is that your SIL’s parents are giving them 20k and the inlaws are giving them something just over 10k. Given that you have 30k from your own parents plus help with extra costs from your inlaws it sounds like this is fair. 

Post # 26
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I understand how you feel. Do remember these things: your future sister is feeling safe, and likely just venting, talking, and letting it all hang out with you. That may involve a fair amount of hyperbole. It’s all shaded by feelings. 

Your future in-laws can manage their own finances. Just because they help her, doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t help you. 

The money talk has the effect of stressing me out, as well. But take a step back and choose. You get to choose your beliefs in the matter. You can err on the side of believing the best, which just makes life more enjoyable – or you can err on the side of spinning a few details out into stories of bad things ahead. All this is doing is having you create bad feelings toward your future SIL, and living in the stress of fear of missing out. 

Fear of missing out or the fear that we may be the ones deprives is a really basic human instinct. Don’t let it rule you, bee. Notice it, recognize it for what it is, and master it- you’ll have a much more enjoyable time, and the outcome here will still be the same. 

Post # 26
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, Future Sister-In-Law really should clarify with her inlaws what they are covering before she signs any contracts, but that’s really her problem if she doesn’t.

Post # 28
Member
7831 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

zzar45 :  Yeah I’m with you. 

Maybe I read this wrong but it seems like the in-laws are just sort of easy breezy about their contributions, and that if OP and her husband asked them for more money, more would be given. But, because OP already has $30k coming in from her own family, they do not need as much extra, so will therefore be getting less from in laws. I don’t really see what’s unfair about that.

Post # 29
Member
4850 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

tiffanybruiser :  Yeah, in the end they all get the 30somethingk wedding that they want, sounds fair to me. 

Post # 30
Member
1439 posts
Bumble bee

You’re making several assumptions about who is paying what for whom, so I would suggest you let it go lest you taint your relationship over money “issues” that aren’t your concern.

Nowadays, vendors don’t generally hold dates or sign contracts without significant deposits down ahead of time, so someone has cash or credit coming from somewhere. Unless you ask for a full accounting from Future Sister-In-Law for what they’ve spent and whose wallet it came from, you don’t actually know. 

Lastly, a $40k wedding is not unheard of nowadays with how inflated this industry has become. All it takes is inviting another couple dozen people and suddenly you may be looking at an extra several grand in food costs alone. In my area, unless you have a very small (under 75 ppl) or a backyard wedding, you’ll need at least $25k to have what many would call a traditional event at a reception hall. 

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