Fiances Brothers Wedding

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 76
1061 posts
Bumble bee

vvbee43 :  Maybe I’m reading your initial post wrong but you said you have been promised 30k from your parents and you’re at 8k surplus for your wedding which you can cover yourself but your in laws have offered to pay the extras (meaning the 8k), so this comes to 38k, that’s where I got the 40k wedding from.

You’re making a lot of assumptions about what your in laws are and will be doing with their own money, you don’t even know whether they’ve agreed to pay 20k or whether they won’t give you 20k also. Maybe in their eyes since you both get a 40k wedding paid for by both sets of parents that’s fair? That’s my idea of fair tbh which was the point of my post.

You’re getting far far more money gifted to you than the average person, yet you’re complaining that you should be getting an extra 10 or 20k (for what?) just because that’s what your SIL will receive? You’re both getting your weddings paid for and they’re both of similar cost, so instead of playing tit for tat and thinking you deserve extra money or thinking ill of your future sister and brother in law be grateful for the very large sums of money you will receive and move on. Your in laws can gift money however way they see fit and it’s certainly not for you to get involved in how they spend their own money on their children, especially if their own son doesn’t see a problem with it, I agree with him in that you’re coming across as very spoilt and selfish here. 


Post # 77
3199 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If your parents are giving you 30k and you’re 8k over that… why do you expect or want your in-laws to give you 20k? Then you and your SIL would have the same priced wedding and you’d have 12k leftover for funsies. Is that “fair”?

Post # 78
1195 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have SIL who is nuts over “fairness” and very tit for tat. One year we said we didn’t want to do Xmas gifts, we were moving across state and just wanted to spend time together but no gifts. She did NOT like that and contacted my mom (who she has no relationship w and has only met a few times) to make sure my mom wasn’t giving me any Xmas gifts because that wouldn’t be “fair”. Lol and this was a 40 year old woman.

Post # 80
385 posts
Helper bee

You’ve totally lost sight of the most important aspect of this wedding. You’re marrying the love of your life and promising each other your futures, this should be an incredibly happy and exciting stage of your life. Don’t let your focus be on some childish entitled sense of what’s allegedly your fair share in all of this, it’s putting you in a bad headspace and souring your relationships with your future in-laws. Step back and chill then focus on what truly matters. 

p.s. instead of getting nasty because you’re not liking what you’re hearing, maybe take a moment to wonder if there’s a few nuggets of truth here. If this is how you react in person when you don’t get your own way, it doesn’t bode well for your real life interactions with others. But by all means, snipe away instead of actually listening to what people are trying to tell you for your own good. 

Post # 81
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

vvbee43 :  it’s not about a wedding in my case, but I do think I had a situation that was very relevant in terms of fairness about in-laws giving to one brother and not the other brother.

I hope you are successful in moving on from this, you will feel a lot better if you are able to! Good luck 

Post # 82
11 posts

I am not  in any place to judge or comment on what is “fair” or right/wrong for you and your family (in laws included). I will though give you a piece of advice that could make your life alot easier going forward ….

Your SIL whether it is intentional or not has a problem of oversharing information to you about your in laws. A conversation about what both of your fiances parents are contributing should have never happened between you and your future sister in law. In the future if I were you I would immediately shut her down when she brings up ANYTHING related to your in laws finances or personal issues. Otherwise you are going to spend the rest of your life with resentment towards your in laws, over things you don’t even know are truthful. And i promise you the longer you are married the more “information” your SIL will try and share with you, if you don’t stop it now.  

You don’t want to live your life that way 🙂 

vvbee43 :  

Post # 83
425 posts
Helper bee

If you really didn’t care about other posters’ opinions and were set in yours, you’d close this thread.

Post # 84
11486 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

ariesscientist :  

You’re making a lot of assumptions about what your in laws are and will be doing with their own money, you don’t even know whether they’ve agreed to pay 20k or whether they won’t give you 20k also.”

Exactly. It seems to me that the in laws are interested in covering some of the extras, or vendors, whether that is music, photography, decorations etc. and that they have indicated that they would consider the same for OP.  Right now there is no evidence at all to suggest that the two sons will be treated differently. OP is getting way ahead of herself. 

OP, just remember, fair does not always mean equal. Perhaps one sibling gets help with the wedding because that’s what they want and the other gets a larger wedding gift. Or maybe one sibling is wealthy and the other struggles. What’s “fair” then? Or maybe you give to one today and to another on another occasion. Life is not tit for tat. In some situations, it can make sense to split things equally, but in others it just doesn’t. 

Post # 85
2809 posts
Sugar bee

You are upset  because your future inlaws may contribute more money to their other son’s wedding. That’s jealousy in a nutshell.

It’s not your money. You are upset that your Future Sister-In-Law expects your inlaws to pay a certain amount. But you are no better – you want whatever amount she is expecting. No wonder your fiance is upset with you.

Post # 86
1144 posts
Bumble bee

All I can add all your in laws and parents (inc SIL’s parents) are so generous. Our parents each contributed about $5000-6500 (so a total of $11500). And that wasn’t even expected. We budgeted and paid for it all ourselves based on what we could afford (and would want to reasonably spend on just one day). Half way through the planning and as things were getting paid, they each said they’ll give x dollar amount. So it was all a bonus for us in the end. We didn’t need any of their monies but it was nice to have.

Husband is the last to get married in his siblings. He has no idea what his parents gave to the other kids (he know they contributed in various ways). And that’s the way it should be. No one needs to know what the others got, otherwise it results in this exact situation you’re having now, people compare and feel unfairly treated. 

Now, the thing is your in laws didnt tell you or your fiancé directly that they’re contributing x dollar amount to their other son’s wedding, or y dollar to yours. It’s all hear say from SIL. She is a being pot stirrer by sharing this with you. As another PP suggested, you’re better off to shut her down in future when she makes comments about what she / they are getting from the in laws. Otherwise you’re in for a life of comparisons.

The in laws are somewhat tactless by not specifying “this is the max we’ll contribute”. To which they can top up later if they felt the need to (and that the couple weren’t acting entitled or taking things for granted). Always under promise and over deliver that way everyone is happy. Over promising (if it was indeed true) will leave everyone unhappy if they end up not being able to or willing to pay the $20k.

As for yourself, I suggest always rising above. When someone is being petty, or provocative, and you feel like it’s getting a reaction from you, rise above it. You’re better than this. If you act jealous (whether outwardly / openly or not), you’re both equally as bad as each other. If you don’t react, and take it in stride, overtime it will become clear that you’re the mature, relaxed, understanding daughter in law that your in laws would come to adore while she’s the petty money grabbing ungrateful daughter in law. People are not blind. They’ll see who you are through how you behave. So know that whatever you do (and whatever she does), people will remember and treat you accordingly. 

Post # 87
1337 posts
Bumble bee

You don’t need to “demand” anything from them in order to be a selfish person. You’re being selfish because you’re ANGRY (and that’s precisely why you wrote this post to begin with) that they’re not giving YOU as much money as they’re giving to your future sister-in-law. That is STILL an example of selfishness. So, yeah… reflect on yourself and the nature of selfishness. Most here agree with your fiance that you’re being selfish. Start considering that we’re seeing something you’re not. 

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