(Closed) Fiance's comments on MY weight. What is his problem?!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@futuremrsk18:  “Now, if I were eating a banana and my Fiance said, “You should eat an apple instead because they have less calories/fat/whatever,” I’d shove the banana in his eye. “

HAHAHAHA– that was awesome. After reading all of your posts i finally get what you mean! You’re basically arguing that men should have the right to respectfully communicate if they feel their SO/Spouse is letting herself go, preferably in a sensitive way, and you’re letting us know that in your relationship you guys have worked on that and made in a priority.

So to connect with OP, you’re saying “hey, this can be OK when both partners are on the same page! there is a  way to communicate with your partner about his/her weight.”

But OP, do you have an update for us??

Post # 78
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@blinx:  Is there anyway he could have meant it as in “Other brides have to watch what they eat but you’re so skinny that you can eat whatever you want!” My sweet husband sometimes has trouble with words and when he thinks he is giving me a compliment, it can almost sound offensive in the way he says it. If he apologized and said he didn’t mean that he thinks you need to lose weight, maybe his words just came out wrong? Hopefully it won’t come up again!

Post # 79
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would be really careful if I were you, OP.  Like he says, most girls do make a big effort to lose weight before their wedding, but after the wedding you are with the person you married.  How will he feel when you let go a little more after the wedding when you start drinking lots of wine from the stemware you received as gifts, making tons of yummy food with all the cookware you received?  How will he feel when you are pregnant?  What if you are put on bed rest?

I was 120 when I got married and was 170 delivered my child this past February.  I lost all of the weight, but I have never felt uglier being so much bigger than my normal size.  I was on bed rest and a special diet where I basically had to eat a ton.  I still only had a 4 lb baby!  Anyway… my point is, will he be supportive of you if you have an experience like this?  I can’t imagine anything worse than my husband commenting on my eating and my body when I was gigantic and pregnant.  As bad as I felt, he always said I looked beautiful.

It’s just a thought.  Also, after the wedding, I gained about 10 lbs that I didn’t lose until after I gave birth and lost all of it.  He didn’t care one bit.

Post # 80
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just wanted to make a comment – just because my SO like brunettes better than redheads and the fact that he likes skinnier thinner girls than me doesn’t mean I  like myself as a brunette or a skinnier girl. I happen to think I look great as a red head and with a little more meat on my bones.

I get that men should be able to be honest about your appearance if its becoming an issue in the relationhip but to say “well listen I like it better when you wear blue or I like it better when you have larger arms” makes no sense to me…what if he doesn’t like it? Should that not matter? That totally blows my mind.

I have no issue with my SO telling me I’ve gained weight or that we should be getting healthier, sure not a problem, but to tell me he wants me to have a big butt and thin legs so go do some squats or change into a dress because he prefers me in a dress would make me laugh in his face. There is a line where its ok to mention appearance and then theres a point where it can cross into dangerous territory.

 

OP if your happy with how you look and you are healthy then I would tell Fiance to stop with the comments and explain that if he has a legit issue with your weight or health to bring it up in a more tactful way. Otherwise he needs to refrain from those comments.

Post # 81
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@fingerscrossed:  YES Thank you!  Apparently I was unable to put that into proper words! 

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@canyouhearmenow13:  My Fiance loves me and thinks I’m beautiful no matter what. However, he does like it when I wear skirts and dresses or when I do my makeup a certain way or when I leave my hair curly (it’s naturally curly) and so I definitely try to do those things.  I find it kind of sad that you don’t want to do things that are simple for your man because he likes them.  I’m shocked.  There’s a certain cologne my Fiance wears (I don’t know the name of it) that’s my favorite.  He makes sure to spray that whenever we go out on a date.  I don’t understand the logic behind him purposely wearing a cologne he prefers if the person he’s trying to attract is ME.  I’m the one that’s going to smell him and get turned on by it.  He should want to wear the one I like better.  Just the same, I wouldn’t purposely wear my hair pin straight when I know he likes it better curly.  Why in the world would I want to do something that he doesn’t find as attractive?  I’m not looking at myself in the mirror all night.  Granted, if I felt ugly with curly hair and that’s what he liked, I would just say – sorry, not going to happen and I bet he wouldn’t like it because I wouldn’t look/feel confident and we all know how far confidence goes.  He’s clearly complimented me before on certain things and I keep those things up.  And, if he tells me he really likes it when I work out and get muscle tone, what am I going to do?  Sit around and cry because my Fiance thinks that fit girls are hot and I don’t want to work out to get fit?  Well, I think fit girls are hot too and that’s the look I’m going for, so thank goodness we have the same tastes!  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things your man likes to make your man more attracted to you.  I think it’s silly to do something you like just because, even if he doesn’t like it.  I want to keep impressing him and keep him physically attracted to me throughout our relationship. 

Post # 82
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@futuremrsk18:  I agree that we should do things to our physical appearance that appeal to our SO’s and I love to look good for my husband. Wearing the perfume her likes or a certain pair of jeans that hug our curves or curling our hair but  I think people are reacting more to your comment ” I told my Fiance from the start that if he makes me gain weight or if he gains weight, the relationship is over.  And, I was serious.” While we should be able to communicate with our SO’s if we’d like them to wear/do something that pleases us an ultimatum of “If you gain weight the relationship is over” is a bit extreme. I think my husband is the most handsome man and at 6ft and 185 he has a little pot belly. I can’t imagine leaving him because he’s gained 20 more pounds. Will I like it? No, but I’d rather have to bigger belly between us than empty arms.

Post # 83
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6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Ill Be Mrs B:  I wouldn’t.  I’d rather have a man who works hard to please me. Which, thankfully, my Fiance does. 

Also, please read this, which I wrote earlier and explained that sentence: @wilfred:  Sorry, I was serious in the sense that if he lets himself go and/or takes me down with him, that I would break up with him.  And he agreed – because we both think that you partner deserves the best that you could be.

Post # 84
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@futuremrsk18:  I did read it and if I may ask…. Is there any exceptions if he let himself go? Such as an illness or depression? Is there a weight limit? I’m only asking because I’m curious. Believe me, I do get that we should be our best not only for ourselves but for our SO’s but to me losing weight or controling it isn’t as easy as slipping on a pair of hugging jeans or taking 30 minutes to curl my hair.

Post # 85
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Ill Be Mrs B:  Illness/Depression is not letting yourself go.  Letting yourself go is just plain being lazy.  I agree that being in shape isn’t easy, it’s really, really hard work.  I’ve struggled with it all my life and my SO and I are struggling with finding a way to eat healthy that works for both of us, which is hard and we don’t want to lead separate lives (eating dinner separately because he doesn’t want to eat what I’m eating, etc).  There’s a difference for me if my SO is depressed and does nothing about it and if he’s depressed and is seeking counseling or trying to change his circumstances by reading self help books and turning himself around, etc.  I just don’t accept settling or accepting your circumstances as “it is what it is” or “this is who I am” if it’s not the best version of yourself.  I shouldn’t have to just accept him for who he is when he has the potential to be so much more and he shouldn’t have to do that for me, either. 

Post # 86
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@futuremrsk18:  I don’t know I’d have to just agree to disagree then. I wrote out a huge reply but then I realized I was threadjacking so never mind.

Post # 87
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You were right to set him straight, so nice job!  Sometimes men need you to just be frank and tell them how you feel.  Now that you’ve mentioned it, I would try to calm down a little.  Sometimes my fiance makes comments that I take personally or get offended by, but then realize he didn’t mean it in the way I interpreted it.  Perhaps he’s just marveling at the fact that you’re already in great shape and don’t need to lose weight, unlike most brides.  Or, maybe he’s just pointing out the fact that other women diet and doesn’t understand how that could be intepreted as an insult by you since you’re slim.  Men can be dense and it’s highly likely that he really didn’t mean to offend you.  Chalk it up to “shit that guys say,” unless of course he does it again, in which case you have another talking-to with him and make it VERY clear that it’s unaccpetable for him to do it ever again. 

Post # 88
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1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@futuremrsk18:  Ok, I get it now. Thank you for going into more detail.

Post # 90
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

@blinx:  I understand why you feel hurt.  My SO is usually very vocal about changes in my body, primarily because I like to know exactly where I am (if I’ve gained/lost too much weight).  Unfortunately it does hurt my feelings sometimes.  It doesn’t sound like you’re overweight and frankly he shouldn’t be complaining unless there has been a significant difference in your body from when you met.  I do understand men mentioning a weight gain if the woman was a lot thinner when they met–same with the genders reversed.

Post # 91
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blinx:  My Fiance is somewhat the same way, but his comments are because I’m not healthy I suppose? I’m a size 2 now…when we met I was a size 0. BIG WHOOP! He’s like “why don’t you wear shorts anymore….” Like he knows that I am currently uncomfortable with my body. We move next weekend where we will have a community FREE gym, that I will be more than happy to use. (Ilovetreadmills lol) But at the moment, I’m not going to starve myself or sign up for a gym when we have a free one coming our way. It’s also extremely hard to eat healthy at our respective parents houses & we can’t buy our own groceries to keep there because they disappear. Gosh! He always asks me how much I weigh, etc. I just ignore him. :}

Post # 92
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@futurepilotswife_:  I would be really pissed. He is getting on your case for being a size 2 and not a 0?

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