(Closed) Fiance's family angry that his sister isn't a bridesmaid…

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

@FoxyBride14:  Nowhere did I read her write, nor did I get the impression that her fiance had a problem with this. They did however include her by having her play clarinet…If by chance her fiance did have a problem with his sister not being part of the bridal party in terms of being a bridesmaid, which yes, is up to the bride to choose, he can always have her stand by his side. Again, I didn’t get the impression he had an issue with it and it seems things are clear between the couple and that they were happy with their choosing. It’s the grooms mother and sister (but mostly mother) that seems to have an issue with it.

Post # 78
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m sorry, it might just be a cultural thing, but sisters should definitely be chosen to be in the bridal party, she is family! She will be your sister! Definitely rude and hurtful not to put her in.

Post # 79
Member
656 posts
Busy bee

I’ve become so much closer to my Future Sister-In-Law since she became my Bridesmaid or Best Man. She’s organised my Hen Party for me and she’s been an absolute star.

I think it’s the right thing to do to include your Future Sister-In-Law as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and your Fiance have your brother if you have one, as a way to show both sides of the family coming together.

Having 8 BMs and not your Future Sister-In-Law probably wasn’t the best idea…

No one has ‘the right’ to be included in a wedding party, but it just shows a bit of class when making a gracious gesture.

Post # 80
Member
1943 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hmm.. I have my Maid/Matron of Honor and two BMs, so I have a relatively small bridal party… Maybe our situation is different because Fiance has 6 biological sisters, all of whom he knows but most of whom he is not close with.  He doesn’t even talk to his biological sister who was adopted with him and he grew up with (for good reasons… long story) so of course she isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man. One of his birth sisters lives with us, and I wish I had asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, butl I didn’t because at the time I chose my BMs, we weren’t close.  Now she has lived with us for a year and a half and is a close friend – I see her as a sister – so I can kinda see how PPs are saying you could become closer with her, but I think our circumstances are very different from a random Future Sister-In-Law that lives far away.  Maybe FIs family situation gives me a different perspective on things… idk.  I think you need to have your nearest and dearest as your BMs, and if your Future Sister-In-Law isn’t one of those, then she shouldn’t be included. Yea, it would be a nice gesture for you to invite your Future Sister-In-Law, but your Future Mother-In-Law throwing a fit about it is just ridiculous.

Post # 81
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Miss Jackrabbit:  +1. I just don’t see the big deal in including her. You already have 8 people, what’s 1 more?

Post # 82
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee

I think if ‘family’ is, and always has been important to you, they should be asked to be in your wedding before any friends, no matter how long you’ve known them or how close you are. Somebody’s feelings will always be hurt when planning a wedding, and if it’s something in your control to handle graciously, you absolutely should.

OP hasn’t come back to respond, so I’m wondering how old the sister is and if she’s the only one her Fiance has? I certainly wouldn’t feel ‘honored’ to play an instrument or do a reading in lieu of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, especially if I were on the young side.

I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in many weddings throughout the years, and the only ones who I’ve remained close with are family members. Even my longest and dearest friend (from age 3) is no longer in my life, and we’re talking over 50 years. Things happen.

Start your new married life off in peace, OP. Ask her.

Post # 83
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Stephville:  Ditto. 

 

All of FI’s cousins who are like siblings are in the wedding including his female cousin who is the closest thing to a sister to him. I would never dream of excluding her and putting both myself and my Fiance in a position that causes that sort of tension with the family. I have gf’s who I’ve been friends with since grade school who I would have loved to be in my wedding, but for us, family comes first. My friends may not always be a part of my life, but family is there no matter what even if you don’t want them to be family. Weddings/marriages should be the union of families and I can understand his sister being sad because she doesn’t feel like she’s a part of that union when she’s playing a clarinet. Sounds like she wants to be your sister and be an important person in your life and she feels rejected by you. If my brother (who was asked to be a GM) married his now gf and they didn’t consider asking me, my mom would raise all sorts of hell that my brother would exclude me out of the biggest day of his life. Now would I be livid? Probably not as I might have kids by then and it might be difficult to handle the position, but I would be hurt that he didn’t think of me or my feelings. Maybe it isn’t a big deal to you because your frame of reference is different than FI’s family, but consider the rifts that this may cause if you exclude her. 

 

Post # 84
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

@weddingmaven:  Please know that I have great regard and respect for your advice here, but we do disagree.

I don’t see why someone must “choose” to have a mixed gender wedding party.  Just choose your wedding party regardless of whether they have “indoor” or “outdoor” plumbing. In all honesty, I find the mindset that all girls on one side and all guys on one side is archaic and sexist.  I honestly think it is still seen as “that’s the way it is done” so routinely is because someone many generations ago said it had to be that way “just because.”

I have no problem with it if that is truly the choice of the bride and groom, but I also think that if including sisters is this important, there is no reason for her not to stand up with her brother – she is closest to him, after all.

I’m 53 years old and if I was getting married today you can bet my 26 year long BFF (guy) would be standing on my side!  I am crazy all about family and have 4 daughters of my own.  I also know that DNA doesn’t always make the best chemistry between people and you can force a bad situation by the expectation that all sisters be included in a wedding party.

Again, please now I mean this with complete respect and regard for you.  We just really disagree on this one.

Post # 85
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is the thing, if your going to have 8 bridesmaids why not just have 9 and include her? That would be the smart option. No one needs 8 bridesmaids but if you absolutely must then I think the SIL should definitely be included.

Post # 86
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

     While I understand that  you did not even think of including her, I think that it would be wise to do so. I am guessing that even though your Future Sister-In-Law acted like it wasn’t a big problem, she probably spoke to her mother later on and was pretty upset, hence your future mother-in-law’s reaction. If she is indeed upset by not being included, I don’t think she would necessarily feel comfortable expressing it for fear of being a nuisance. 

 

    In my brother’s wedding, there were 8 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids. As my brother’s only sister, I was included in the wedding party. It provided me with a great opportunity to get to know my SIL, and it was awesome to feel included in my brother’s wedding. I would have been extremely hurt if there were 8 bridesmaids and I was not one of them, if only because I saw it as being supportive of my brother, not just his wife. 

 

    While many brides always talk about how it is “their” day and that nothing else should matter, I respectfully disagree. You and your Fiance are joining one another’s families, and it would probably be a good idea to include her and avoid any hurt feelings so early on in your marriage and the merging of your families.

Post # 87
Bee
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

IMO, weddings are all about families. They really are. I’m not BFFs with my sister-in-laws, but I asked them to be BMs so I could get to know them better and so that they’d feel included (especially since the rest of the family was included!!). They were really helpful and honestly pitched in more than any of my friends that were BMs. IF I were you I would do a nice gesture and ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, so it doesn’t hurt your relationship with her or your in-laws further down the road – it’s not worth it!!

Post # 88
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s common around here to include siblings if you’re close. My brother/SIL didn’t have a Bridal Party so I wasn’t included. My sister and I quickly got over it, but if she had 8 girls we would feel upset that she didn’t feel we was important enough in his life to be included on her side.

I will say, we’re having my sister and best friend as 2 MOHs and his brother and best friend as two best men. We were going to add his two close female cousins on my side and my brothers on his side but I asked my brothers and they were fine with me not including them so we chose to keep it short. FI’s mom was a little peeved about the cousins I think but she was passive aggressive about it. To be honest, we’ve heard a lot about their financial issues lately so I don’t regret that decision because I would feel guilty about the Bridal Party expenses.

I do think your Mother-In-Law was immature about the whole thing but my mom can be that way too.

Post # 89
Member
13542 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@hermom:  We  probably don’t disagree on this issue as much as you may think.  There is nothing whatsoever wrong with mixed gender wedding parties and the single sex tradition, when used to exclude a best friend who happens to be of the opposite sex IS totally archaic in my mind.  

I guess the difference here that I see is simply that B and G have  a traditional  wedding party and it is meaningful to the sister to be included by her new SIL.  

But I understand the feminist POV, since truth be told,  the traditional way can be  somewhat sexist in its assumptions. After all, no one makes the bride feel guilty for not making the groom’s brother one of her attendants!  

Post # 90
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

@weddingmaven:  Glad you didn’t take offense to my post.  That was the last thing I wanted.

Post # 91
Member
13542 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@hermom:  Of course you didn’t offend me!  I enjoy discussions like these and hearing different perspectives.     Laughing

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