(Closed) Fiance's family angry that his sister isn't a bridesmaid…

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 92
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

IDK, I don’t think it should be assumed, I understand why her feelings might be the bit hurt, but if this is something her in-laws are going to hold against her for the next 60 years or so, then they are really immature and need to get their priorities straightened.

Also, our wedding party was – on my side: my sister, my female BFF, my little brother. DH’s side: his male, BFF and his brother- so our party was odd numbered and mix gendered and the photos still look great!

Post # 93
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

In my family weddings are about merging families so not having your siblings in the wedding is a huge no no.   We’re also incredibly close so it’s not even a question. The issue comes when there’s a lot of siblings. For instance fi brother is a gm in our wedding but he has too many sisters for them to be bms. Had he had one sister she would have definitely been asked to be in our wedding. That’s how my family & close friends function. If you don’t want her in your wedding then don’t have her.  Don’t add her out of guilt. 

Post # 94
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It’s true that your wedding day should be all about you and your hubby-to-be, but a huge part of the wedding celebration has to do with the merging of the families. And I’m not saying this in a religious context (I’m not religious), I’m saying it in a, these two families are blended now and will be even more blended in the event that you have children and it’s in everyone’s best interest that everyone, at the very least, gets along…to some extent.

 

To that end, in the very family oriented Latin culture, it’s considered goodwill to your new family to include your SO’s sibling(s) in a wedding party, or at least have them involved in the wedding. However, if you are the only sister or brother and/or you have a large wedding party, it’s a given that your sibling(s) will be included in the wedding party. So, I can understand why your Mother-In-Law would be upset, though I do not agree with the way she handled the situation. I say this from my personal, cultural perspective and totally understand if you do not share this view. At the end of the day, you should do things that make sense to and for you and most importantly, make you happy.

 

At this point, any invitation for her to be a part of your bridal party would be seen as a pity invite and inadequate, so just bite the bullet and make sure her name’s on the program and hopefully your Mother-In-Law will get over it in time.

Wedding planning and weddings themselves can really bring out the worst in some people. I’m sorry that you are going through this – good luck!

 

Post # 95
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I felt obligated to include my SIL but know it was the right thing to do for family relations. She was very difficult to deal with – altering her dress to look significantly different than the other  (2) girls, very late to makeup and hair on the wedding day (that I paid for), she kept disappearing, and generally disinterested. However, I would have felt uncomfortable not including her and I know she appreciated being included. I think it would have been uncomfortable had I not included her. Every family is different.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 96
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree with you …. I want people next to me who are my friends and been there to stand next to me through thick and thin . Now if you and her had a very friend like relationship that was like any of your other friends it’d be a different story. But if that is not the case,  it is not assumed nor automatic that your Fiance sister be in the wedding party. They should be happy that she is still playing an important role in the talent for the wedding entertainment! I swear mothers are more bridezilla than the bride lol !

Post # 98
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MrsSparkle:  How ouch? It would keep the peace. It sounds like OP likes the Future Sister-In-Law, she isn’t being left out because she is a painful person to be around. It’s the smart option out of the two options she has. Leave the sis out and deal with the fallout & damaged relationship with both Future Sister-In-Law & Future Mother-In-Law or include her and have a nice relationship moving forward.

Post # 99
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

No.  If this is the “right” thing to do – I would have been screwed if I didn’t elope.  My husband only has sisters – & three of them!  It is not my responsibility to have them in my wedding because my Mother-In-Law decided to keep popping out chicks!

Post # 100
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’ve been lurking around this site for months, but I had to sign up just to comment to this because this was almost me before our wedding.

We had a very similar issue.  I am not close to my SIL and never was.  I was polite and friendly at family gatherings, but we never spoke on the phone or hung out or anything to even suggest we were friends.  DH is absolutely not close to her either.  I offered to include her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man in our wedding if it was something important to DH.  His response: “If she’s in the wedding, we’re not having one”.  So, she wasn’t included as I believe the groom’s wishes trump anyone else’s in this aspect, despite MIL’s constant nasty emails and texts telling me how horrible I was for not including her.  (That was the beginning of the drama that almost led to us eloping.)

I believe chosing the wedding party is solely up to the bride and the groom.  I think if having certain people included or excluded is very important to the bride or groom, you can both work that out together.  Anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant.  So, if having your SIL is important to your Fiance, then I believe it should be considered, especially if you two get along!  If he is indifferent, chosing her might just calm any possible future drama related to that choice.  And if he doesn’t want her there, stick with your original plan but prepared for mega backlash because despite who’s choice it was, you’ll most likely be the one blamed because you’re not blood related.

Good luck!

 

 

Post # 101
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My FH’s brother is not included in the bridal party.  But my brother is in his.  I was going to ask my brother to be in my party, but FH made a stink about ‘boys and girls’ being on one side only.  So he is now in his, which is fine by me as I have a friend of his in mine.

But FH and I both discussed not having his brother included in it.  His brother is basically a momma’s boy who has some serious social anxiety issues. We have been together for 9 years and swear to goodness, he has never once said to me “hi, how are you”.  So I told FH that I do not want him standing up for us in the party, and he agreed.  He has never taken the time to get to know me (I gave up years ago), he shows no interest, doesn’t talk to us whatsoever.  He lives in our basement and pays rent, but sleeps over at his parents house 4-5 times a week.  WEIRD KID.

FH’s mother called him out on it at breakfast one day.  Basically asked him why he isn’t included in it and its tradition, etc.  Get this….his brother was sitting beside his mother the entire time not saying a word.  So FH explained why he isn’t, and never heard of it again. 

I have no regrets with not including him, and much happier because of it. 

Don’t give in to your Future Mother-In-Law.  It is your decision and she is still being apart of the ceremony which is very nice.  I wouldn’t take her because Future Mother-In-Law has guilted you in it, you will only regret it later. 

Post # 102
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

@roseglass6370:  You are making a big mistake by not including your fiance’s sister in your bridal party.  Over the years you’ll lose touch with many of these “close” friends, but your sister-in-law will hopefully still be your SIL.  Family is what matters most and right now you’re starting off on the wrong foot with your new family.  Big mistake.

Post # 103
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP so if your FH had 6 sisters would your Mother-In-Law expect you to put them all in the wedding? This is silly, you asked her to play a musical selection in your wedding which is not exactly being a guest. My SIL was not a bridesmaid, she handed out programs at our wedding. Your Mother-In-Law does not get to dictate who you have in your bridal party. If your SIL was fine with the request to play music leave it at that and move on.

Post # 104
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@MrsSparkle:  THIS. Ignore the interfering old bat. It’s your wedding! hugs xxx

Post # 105
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I will never understand this. Never. It is NOT an obligation to include siblings or anyone else for that matter in the wedding party. Ultimately it is YOUR wedding and you should have those you WANT standing with you, not who other people want. SIL and Mother-In-Law will get over it. You already have a huge wedding party.

Post # 106
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@roseglass6370:  I had 8 BMs as well and asked my Future Sister-In-Law to be my 9th Bridesmaid or Best Man. Although I am not very close with her, her brothers are groomsmen and my Future In-Laws are hosting our wedding at their home, so I felt that it was the right thing to do. I don’t think it’s necessary in every situation though! So far, it has worked out really well for us. Future Sister-In-Law and I have had more time to bond and the Future In-Laws are very pleased that she’s included. As a bonus, Future Sister-In-Law always sticks up for me when Future Mother-In-Law gets upset 🙂

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