Post # 1
I need to get off my chest. Like many brides I see lamenting on here, it has to do with money and family hahaha.
My family, my fiancé and I are paying for our wedding. My fiancé’s family claims that his older brother is draining all of their resources (long story but my fiancé’s brother essentially destroyed the house he rents from my fiancé’s parents). Anyway, my fiancé’s family can’t help at all with the wedding. This is fine.
However now my fiancé’s family is making him pay for his father’s tux, his brother’s tux, his mother’s hair, their hotel and their travel. So in the end, they won’t have to pay a cent! To make things worse his brother has been calling him daily for money!
I understand that they aren’t able to contribute to the wedding, but I think it is unfair that they are relying on their son for absolutely everything (and using their other son as an excuse)! They treat my fiancé like some sort of money tree (which he isn’t) and because he is such a great guy, he consents.
Any tips on this? It is making me begin to resent his family. I just don’t like that they are freeloading off of my poor fiancé at a time when we are already strapped for cash with wedding planning.
Post # 3
I’m sorry but if they can’t help you with the wedding costs thats fine. But you certainly DO NOT ask for money from the bride and groom, regardless if you need a tux or a new hair do. I’m sorry but your FIs parents are getting away with everything they can. They don’t have to pay as you said a cent for anything, so they could at least pay for everything they need themselves.
It’s a case of tough love, but you will have to be firm and say “no, our money is going towards OUR wedding. Not YOUR tux, not YOUR hair, and certainly not to help a brother out”
It’s very hard, but you have to make your Fiance see that his family are draining him, and what will happen when you guys have no money? My guess is they will turn you away with no remorse if you asked them for money.
Post # 4
If they haven’t already, your finances are soon to become combined, which means he needs to start consulting with you about things like this. Sounds to me like he’s been accommodating for far too long and they’re now using him like a doormat. Very unfortunate, but some people will do that if they know they can (case in point: my mom). You just have to learn to say no, which can be really difficult. The difficulty lies especially with how they’ll react when/if he says no – one would hope grown adults wouldn’t do things like threaten not to attend, etc., but as we’ve seen on wedding bee that often becomes the case.
I think you need to sit down together and discuss finances. Let him know that this pattern can’t continue because you have a family to think about, which must come first. I do think it’s outlandish that they would demand he pay all of their expenses – it’s nice to provide those things to your family, but not required I don’t believe. And the brother asking for money just because is ridiculous if he’s the reason they cite for not being able to afford anything in the first place.
Post # 5
This is your FI’s decision. Apparently he is ok with giving them money. After you are married, he will need to consult you in his decision making, but as of now his money belongs to him. As long as he is able to keep any commitment to you regarding funding the wedding, I feel he can do what he wants with the rest of his money.
Post # 6
i would have a long talk with your fiance about it.
Do they really “need” tuxes? Let them know they can wear black suits if they can’t afford that rental. And he should let his mom know she’s pretty enough every day and a special hair style isn’t necessary…things along those lines
I can understand if they can’t afford it, but they should offer alternatives. Not ask for money
Post # 7
Uh, no. That’s nuts. You and your Fiance need to be on the same $ page – you two will pay for the wedding, but not for people’s personal responsibilities for the wedding. Come up with a literal script and memorize it: “FMIL, Future Father-In-Law, Future Brother-In-Law, we understand that things are tight. However, we are paying for the entire wedding; consequently, we can not afford to help you on these personal expenses.” When they inevitable do the whole “well then we can’t go!” stick to your guns: “we’re sorry to hear you are making this choice. We’ll miss having you there.”
There’s another issue here too. You said his family “is making him pay” for these things. You two will soon be your own family. Your marriage must come first. Get on the same page as your Fiance.
People kill me, I swear. My dad always says that the families of the happy couple have 1 responsibility: dress up and show up.
Post # 8
Does your Fiance give them money on a regular basis? Or is it just that they can’t afford stuff for the wedding? If this is a one-off thing and you can afford, I don’t see the problem with Fiance paying if they really can’t afford to come. However, he gives them money frequently, the two of you need to talk this over and decide how to handle it once you are married. It’s one of those things that you will fight about a lot if you don’t agree beforehand how much you can support them.
Post # 9
thats really tough! and while i want to say screw them, they can pay their own way – being family makes that really difficult.
Personally though, i would try and compromise, i would probably agree to pay for the tuxes, but travel, hotel and hair? there is no way I could justify that. What will they do if you don’t agree to pay for those things? not come? i highly doubt they would miss their son’s wedding…
as for the brother calling for money – this is something my husband and i have discussed at length (we have tons of siblings – 12 for him, 4 for me) and we would be more than willing to help if ever someone was in a difficult situation but we are not a charity and i would never just give them money without knowing why they need that money, what exactly its being spent on and how they plan to get themselves out of this ‘hole’ they are in. And honestly unless someone had kids and couldnt make a house payment/electric/food i would be very weary of giving anyone any money. family or not.
Post # 10
Have you talked to him about this? Explained that this type of behavior is making you resent his family? I would be concerned that this behavior would continue, even after the wedding. Obviously your Fiance is okay with being the money tree, if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be giving it to them. I wouldn’t expect him to change, but you should definitely talk to him, and let him know how this makes you feel.
Post # 11
Thank you SO much for your advice ladies. You guys rock my socks!
We have had extensive conversations about this. The good news is, I think I am finally getting through to him. However, it is a tricky situation.
I come from a very different type of family who would never, ever do this. So I am perhaps a bit unsympathetic, I think that the idea of parents asking their child for money (when they aren’t even helping out on the biggest day of his life) is pretty messed up and horrible.
My fiance has been “the golden child” of his family for so long that the idea of using tough love on his family and cutting off the gravy train causes him a lot of guilt. He and his parents have been enabling his brother’s horrible behavior for so long that they are buying into their own rhetoric. In turn, my fiance thinks it is his obligation to make up for his brother’s short comings and do everything his family asks (and then some) without question.
Not to get all Phsycology 101 on Wedding Bee but that is essentially the long and short of it. The good news is, he is very committed to me (and our future family) and I think seeing how my family dynamic works has opened his eyes to some of the things his family has put him though.