(Closed) Fiance's "friends"

posted 6 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Hrm.. I don’t really have advice.  You can’t MAKE them show up.  He has to be clear that this is important for him for them to be there.  The issue with the brother-with-preggers-gf is that he is probably going to come as long as he can – depends how his gf is feeling or if she goes into labor or not (I’ve heard a rumor that first borns are usually 2 weeks late).  I would make it known to him that he should come UNLESS she’s actually IN labor and if SHE’S not feeling well, he should still come and leave her with her parents or someone to take care of her or something. As for the ski-rental friend, perhaps he doesn’t have a passport?  I mean, IDK – Maybe he has long standing plans to rent this ski cabin or maybe Amsterdam didn’t sound like fun or was way more expensive than the ski cabin.  There’s a whole host of factors that we can all sit here and speculate, but it doesn’t matter – your Fiance should know the answer. 

Which brings me to my next point: this really isn’t your issue and if I were you, I would stay out of it.  I don’t have friends like this.  Why?  Because I cut them out of my life a long time ago.  I used to know people like this, when I was younger.  And as I grew up, I realized – they weren’t there for me when it was important for me for them to be there, so I dropped them.  This is something your Fiance needs to figure out – if he cares, then he needs to find better friends or tell his friends that he cares.  If he doesn’t care, then neither should you.  He needs to come to this realization on his own – IDK how old you guys are, maybe he’s still young and still ahs patience (I know when I was younger, I had a lot more patience lol, I’ve lost a lot of it in my ripe old age of 28) or maybe he knows something more – that they WILL show up, as long as they can.  IDK…

Sorry you’re upset for your Fiance, but this is one I would sit out of, if I were you.  :/

Post # 4
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I don’t think these are problems, honestly. The chances that FI’s brother’s girlfriend will be in labor or giving birth at the time of your wedding are tiny, so going ahead as if FI’s brother will be at your wedding is probably the best way to go. (Assuming your wedding isn’t far away from where FI’s brother and his girlfriend live.) The groomsman choosing to go on a vacation of his own planning instead of to Amsterdam for the bachelor party is his right, and he doesn’t owe you an explanation. “It’s an invitation, not a summons.” And your Fiance has a good attitude about the whole thing. Sure, he probably *is* a little sad that these things are happening, but it’s an emotionally healthy reaction to accept that he has no control and focus on other stuff rather than dwelling on it.

Post # 7
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn

You can have one groomsman and two bridesmaids walk together, one on each arm. It’ll be shorter of a walk, but it’ll even out better.

As for your FI’s friends, that sucks. One of our groomsmen, FI’s oldest friend, dropped out a few weeks ago, after promising he wouldn’t miss it for the world, and then blowing all his money in Vegas. We found someone to take his place, as I hope you’re able to, but Fiance made it very clear that his friend missing the wedding was upsetting to him. But as PP’s have said there’s nothing you yourself can do. 

Post # 8
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, FI’s best man’s wife is pregnant, and is due the week before our wedding. Labour can be unpredictable, and due dates are not spot on. There is a chance that his wife may go into labour the same weekend. But, this is FI’s best friend and were not going to not plan for him to be in the wedding. If his wife goes into labor and he cannot make it, we have a backup and he’s perfectly understanding of the issue. In your case, this is his brother and there really isn’t anything to do but plan for him to be there.

As for the flakey friend, your Fiance needs to talk to him and see if he can count on him. Sometimes people aren’t really aware of how their actions are affecting others.

If your Fiance hasn’t expressed any concerns about the situation, I would just ask him if he’s worried. If he’s not, let him take care of it seeing as these are the boys on his side. Alot of people have uneven bridal parties, like me for example. You could have each person come down the aisle by themselves, Or have a groomsman flanked by two bridesmaids on both sides of him, there are alot of options. You could also have the DJ or MC give a brief explanation about the brother not being there if you chose to. 

Post # 9
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We had a similar issue. My FI’s Best Lady is sooooooooo flaky and she used to be our best friend, but I didn’t want to worry about her not showing up on my day when I should be freaking out about other things so he asked his next choice to be the Best Man. That pretty much fixed the issues….until she just randomly stopped talking to me, but still wanted to be all budy budy with MY Fiance….um no. But that is another story, lol I would switch some people around or just cut some people out…it’s your day and you shouldn’t spend it worrying about anyone other than you and your Fiance.

Post # 10
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

My problem is the opposite. I have two bridesmaids who keep telling me they are FOR SURE going to be at my wedding but I’m 75% sure they won’t come. One is pregnant and due 2 weeks before my wedding. I keep giving her an out telling her I know it will be a busy time for her and wouldn’t mind if she were just a guest.  She keeps going back and forth saying she may not even come to “of course I will be there, I would never miss it!”  The other one does not have a car and I know is going to text me the night before my wedding asking for a ride. (she did this the night before going dress shopping) um….no! I know it’s super frustrating. Especially when you know these people most likely won’t be there but won’t tell you!!

Don’t sweat it, though I know it’s frustrating that people are so inconsiderate.  You could either have the groomsman at the altar with your Fiance and have all the girls walk down alone or like someone else said, each groomsman can walk down the aisle with one girl.  No one will care that sides aren’t even.  I hope things work out!

Post # 11
8 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m sure you’ve probably already done this, but have you straight up given the brother an out? You could say that you completely understand if he needs/wants to be with the soon-to-be mother of his child when she’s so close to her due date, especially since they live so far away, and maybe ask him to really consider whether his participation is realistic.  You could emphasize that it’s TOTALLY FINE but you really need to be able to plan things.  A lot of guys (especially younger guys) just have no idea how important bridal parties are or how much planning is involved — he might honestly think if he just doesn’t show up it’s no big deal.  It’s crazy.  In any event, it would really be terrible for the birth of your niece or nephew to happen under a cloud of resentment about the wedding.

Regarding the bachelor party, I’m not sure if you’re in Europe or the U.S., but a lot of people feel like destination bachelor/bachelorette parties are kind of a lot to ask.  He may have technically been able to afford it, but would rather spend that money on a longer vacation of his own choosing with people he’d choose to vacation with. Whatever his reasons, I’d try not to get too insulted about it, especially if your fiance seems able to brush it off.  

As far as not showing up, will there be tux rentals, etc. involved?  One way to try to keep track of whether he’s reliable might be to check in about whether he’s made those and any other arrangements that would indicate he’s committed.  

This sounds super frustrating, but it’ll all work out.  And uneven bridal parties are totally fine!  

Post # 13
8 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

@peachacid:  That’s sweet about the ties, I love that it was his idea.  Did your fiance have other guys he considered as groomsmen who he felt like he had to omit to keep it even?  What if he tapped one of those guys, planning tentatively on having an uneven amount (with more on his side)?  Then if one or both drop out it won’t look super uneven (not that that matters), and if everyone shows up, one lady gets two groomsmen (which is pretty adorable — I was that Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding once, with two escorts, and it was totally cute).  

Post # 14
5220 posts
Bee Keeper

We had a similiar situation. DH’s brother had something legal come up about 4 months before the wedding, and we found out the day before that he would not be allowed to attend or be in the wedding. Also, for his bachelor party, 3 guys backed out last minute ( and they’re all local).

The wedding planning/experience was really eye opening for both of us because it highlighted just how important some people are and how uninvolved others can be if things don’t go their way. There really isn’t anything you can do it ensure that they show up or act maturely about it, the best advice I have is just to roll with the punches on it. We had uneven numbers in the end, but no one noticed. Darling Husband still had an awesome time on his bachelor party, but the guys that just flaked out definitely have been held more at an arms distance now because it shed a little light to Darling Husband on how close he thought they were. 

Post # 16
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That’s AWFUL! I hope they will both be able to make it. I don’t think you have to worry about the pregnant GF–first bablies are almost always super late! And Just because the other Groomsmen can’t make it do the bachelor doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll skip out on the wedding!

Good luck to both of you!

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