(Closed) Fiancés major career change idea

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the military is a fantastic opportunity.  It gives you training, marketable skills for after service, and teaches you discipline, respect, honor, and duty in a way no other job can do.  It’s very noble of him to consider, so I think you should honestly hear out his reasons without freaking out about it.  Even if you’re going crazy on the inside, try to keep it together to hear his argument, think it through, and then try to figure out how you feel.  If he does join, he will need your full support. I’m guessing he wouldn’t enlist until after your wedding, then boot camp, which means you’d have another 8-9 months before you’d really have to move somewhere. 

Post # 4
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

Any career change is worth a discussion, especially with such a committment as joining the military. First, I would do a little research myself about what life would be like. Then, I would talk to him and hear him out fully. After he’s explained his thoughts, I would give mine and ask questions.

I do think it’s a decision that you should come to together, since your relationship (and marriage) began prior to this decision.

It’s good to explore different opportunities… just make sure you’re both on the same page.

I have tremendous repsect for military families.

Post # 6
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me. This is not just a career change, this is a lifestyle change. I have a few girlfriends from college who are military wives and while I admire them, I know its not for me. I don’t want to move to Kansas or worry about whether he’s ok for months on end.

I’d say hear him out with an open mind and give it careful consideration but ultimately you need to be 100% behind him if he does this.

Post # 7
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I can’t really give you any advice, but i can totally relate!

My Darling Husband dropped the military bombshell on me the weekend AFTER we got engaged. I was like, hey what?! We’d been together five years at that point and not once had he mentioned the possibility that this was something he wanted. So i, rightly or wrongly, got very upset. I felt decieved, like i’d just agreed to spend the rest of my life with him, but he’d been keeping from me what he intended that life to be like.

I have the most absolute respect for any military wife, and any soldier i absolutely do. Many of my friends are military wives and they are the most amazing women, but seeing them worry every deployment and bring up their babies without their DHs around meant i knew that this was not a life i could commit to. So i felt i had to tell my Darling Husband that. That if this was something he really wanted to do, i would nto stop him but i could not marry him, and frankly had i known this at the time of the proposal it would have been big enough for me to have said no.

I know this sounds dramatic and perhaps like i emotionally manipulated the situation, but i really thought to myself that i could agree to something that i know would make me, and therefore our marriage, miserable.

Fortunately for my relationship, my Darling Husband considered it, knowing teh cards were on the table and decided that ratehr than actually wanting to join the military, the reason he had been considering it was simply because he was bored of his current life. Not because he actually desperately wanted to be a soldier. So we made some adjustments, and he now openly admits it would have been the wrong choice for him. 

I think in your situation, you gotta really consider whether you can handle it. There are so many women who can, and who have very, very fulfilling military marriages but i think its a personal choice. Joining the military is a huge commitment for both of you, not just him. So communicaton about how you both feel is crucial to making this decision together. 

I really hope that everything works out for the best for your relationship, either way.

Post # 10
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Fiance joined the military at 27. He went to school to be a professional pilot and held a commerical pilot’s license, but wanted to “make a major career change.” I have never been happier as a soon-to-be military wife. Is it hard? Oh yea. Worth it? Yep.

Post # 12
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You should very carefully consider what this means for your own goals, too. From what little I know, it is damn hard for a military spouse to have a career they’re seriously committed to. If you derive a significant amount of your identity/life satisfaction from your work, you need to be very protective of your own needs. I know I could never personally be satisfied always having to move every two years and being defined largely by my relationship to my husband.

Post # 13
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Jenbee:  He enlisted for 6 years, starting after the completion of training. He put a “flight packet” before even joining (they refer to guys like my FI as “street to seat”) which is an appeal to go directly to Warrant Officer Career College and become a rotary wing (helicopter) pilot. After about a year of blood tests, physical exams, and interviews he was denied. However, a month later they needed people to go and called him – he left the next month. He was gone for about a year – basic training, Warrant Officer Candidate School, and the beginning of Flight School. We moved down to Fort Rucker, AL for about a year and a half (where all pilot training takes place) so that he could complete flight school. Luckily, I was going to college through a distance program and it was fairly easy to find a job in my field down here. After training, to some extents, pilot’s get to choose their location so we are moving back to Kansas (home) in about a month!!

If he does apply, I would strongly recommend active duty. Active Duty seems like a huge lifestyle change but its worth all of the things that you have to overcome. Since being down here in Ft. Rucker I’ve met a number of women who’s husbands are guard and reserve and they all say the same thing – “I wish we were active. So much more job security and ease.”

Post # 14
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mightywombat:  The majority of people that go into the military later in life are not apart of the masses that have to move often, which leaves much more room for opprotunity for their spouses. Additionally, the military provides assistance to women seeking jobs at every post and their assistance is highly successful. Furthermore, the identity of a military wife is not necessarily defined by her husband. Yes, the military will have some impact on her social standing and behavior in military settings, however this is a list of the values expected of a military wife and I strongly agree with them. It addresses everything in a step by step manner:


Post # 15
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Both my husband and I are former military. The reserves for me, but 13 years in the regilar army (non commissioned combat engineer) & air force (officer air nav/combat systems eng.) combined for my husband. I also have other family and friends who are in. It is a lifestyle, not just a job, and it is one that will have a huge impact on you & your life together. 

If someone genuinely wants to join, I would just encourage them to be very well informed beyond what the recruiters tell you or the fantasy. He may be away long periods for training & deployments (my brothers partner for example is in the navy and has been away about 2 out of the 3 years since he joined), you may have to move and sometimes more frequently (and leave your own job), and yes, depending on his trade there is risk. My husband did a few tours and has lost some great friends in very violent ways and also saw some pretty fvcked up things.

I think a lot of talking is in order and I would also encourage you both to talk to people who have been in a few years – not recruiters, and not primarily officers since without college he will not be an officer – to get their honest takes. He should also talk to people in many trades. 

Again, he and you both need to be on board. It is not something to do as you are discouraged by the job search. He has to really want it, as do you to be honest as it IS a lifestyle.

Coincidentally my husband is actually a manager at a retail outdoors store now and loves it!he finds it easygoing, fun and low stress. And, he has freedom to do as he wants when he wants! He took early retirement a few months after we started dating. While there are parts of his military career he remembers fondly, we are both happy the military life is not our life at this point. Though he has said he will happily move wherever I want to be for work (I am a lawyer), haha.

Post # 16
42 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have family members who’s husbands are in the military. They are constantly moving from base to base every couple of years. They don’t see each other for at least 6m-1y at a time. I give it up to military wives, it takes ALOT you HAVE to be willing to make these sacrifices. This is a complete lifestyle change, one that can possibly be repeated every 1-2 years. With some great perks, one that my cousin likes is that her husband was just moved to a base in HAWAII so they are moving there this may for a few years. 

If your looking for the white picket fence style family, then you two need to have a serious discussion. Don’t get angry or nervouse, try to stay calm like Abbie017 said but remember your goals and what you want for yourself when you have this conversation. 

-My situation is a little bit different, I was encouraging my Fiance to go to law school because he did so well in university. But when I was encouraging him I expected he would go to law school in NY where I have an established career and we live with our 4kids….well, leave it to him to apply for law school in AUSTRALIA and get accepted to a great one there but not tell me necause he says he was affraid id say no…. UM DUH! I was pissed, without hearing him out, im thinking Now 3 months before our wedding we have start plans to relocate to AUSTRALIA of all places, the orher side of the world. I flet it was not fare for me and i told him that. But in the end after hearing him out, i realized that he dud explore all of his options and that law school here in NY would cost 3times as much then in Australia. it truly would have been hard for him to stay in the states and work the job he currently works. So, in your case before you freak out like I did, hear him out there might be a really good reason. 

Hope my story helps in some way! 

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