(Closed) Fiancés major career change idea

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m torn on this. I think it is a great way to get an education and change careers, but it is a lifestyle commitment, not just for him, but you! I have a friend in the military and she is almost done medical school, she graduates in May. In the two years I have known her, she has been in North Carolina, Florida, Pennsylvania, Hawaii, Texas and beyond. She finally is stationed in NC, but I dont know if it was totally her choice. That being said, I would hear him out on it, but he really needs to make sure this is something he seriously wants to do before he signs any papers.

Post # 18
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Darling Husband was in the military when we met. He was active duty for only 3 years. I’m not gonna lie, transition back into civilian life after that was tough! Someone mentioned you gain marketable skills for later while in the service. Uhm, sorry, not so much, unless you want a civil service job after. Most civilian employers don’t give a hoot, to be honest, and being away from it for many years will more likely be a disadvantage. Several friends of ours reenlisted for this reason, or went back in again after being out for a little while.

I’m a little worried about his motives. Joining the military because you can’t find a better job right now does not sound like a good enough reason to me. It’s not just a job where you go home at 5 p.m., it will change his entire life and yours, too.

You mentioned your job is important to you. It will be tough to have your own career and be a military wife. You will be moving a lot. Employers around large military bases often don’t like to hire military spouses, because they might be gone soon. All the wives of the guys we know, who are still active duty are SAHMs.

You guys will really have to have a long talk about this. If you are not both behind this 110%, it’s likely not going to work out well for you. Does he know any soldiers?  He should talk to them about the life and what being in the military really means, so he can understand if this is really something that he wants. He should not talk to a recruiter until he is 100% sure. They will promise him the world to make him sign up!

Post # 20
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@AprilJo2011:  Excellent and accurate post in my opinion and experience!

The only way the experience might be attractive to civilian employers from what I have seen is if they too are former military. Most have no clue or don’t care if you could deactivate an IED or lead a platoon if you do not have 3-5 years experience in the civvy job you are applying for!

I definitely could not build my practice if I had to move. I will be honest and say that part of the reason I was willing to date my husband was because he was getting out AND was in a position and point he had a bit of choice in where he was posted, but this is a freedom most enlisted trades early in their careers do not have.

Sad to think I would have missed out on such a wonderful man & relationship, truly the one for me, if things were a bit different but that is how much I do not want that lifestyle!H

Post # 21
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This would be a both only a career change but a complete lifestyle & uprooting, you both have to be on board.

I think the military COULD be a great option. My brother joined at the age of 23 and left a well-paying job with benefits. His choice was a good one and I think he still is happy with his decision even after being to hell and back in Afganistan. He is excelling in the army and is climbing pretty fast. He is learning a ton and will obviously get a GI bill to use for additional schooling afterwards. Pay is not that great, but cost of living is pretty low and benefits for military spouses and family are good.

I do think it takes a certain type of woman to be a military wife. You have to be very strong, independent and deal with stress well. Also, you have to expect your FI/DH to be deployed. Even though all the news stations say troops are coming back form Afganistan, my brother is scheduled to deploy there again this fall, for another year. Can you handle a year away from your spouse with very limited communication?

There are a lot of tings to think about. I would highly suggest talking to someone who has served and thier SO, so you can get a real view of what life will be like for each of you.

This would not be a deal breaker for me, but it also wouldn’t be a rash decision. It would be something that was looked at from every possible angle.

 

Post # 22
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t understand why people act like joining the military is like answering some higher spiritual calling….

Bottomline, they call them military wives for a reason–their entire identity is hinged to their husbands career choice. I’m not knocking it, my grandmother was a military wife. She also never had  a career, and was constantly away from her family. She’s from Germany and met her husband when he was stationed there, then moved to Japan, and several states in the US. It is definitely a decision that is going to change your life drastically. So you should have a say

Post # 23
Member
1476 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

There’s also law enforcement, like being a police officer, sheriff deputy, or community service officer. He would have to go to the police academy for the first two, but no college is required for any of them.

I can see you being emotional with a big, big change like that. It does affect both of you. Just talk about it. Maybe talk to some military wives about it too, so you can see what it’s like on their end as well.

Post # 24
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@sylvia.riggle:  Totally agree. Honestly, if my Fiance came to me saying he wanted to join the military, I would be distraught. I also don’t think I would continue on to marry him if he was 100% sure he wanted to enlist, because we are partners and it wouldn’t be fair to me and my goals for my life. It’s not that I don’t have respect for military wives, it’s just that I do not think I would able to live my life happily moving around constantly, not seeing him for months or years at a time, worrying that he is hurt or dead, etc.

Like a PP said, this isn’t just a career change, this is an entire lifestyle change. Figure out what is attractive about the military to him, and work from there.

Post # 25
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@sylvia.riggle:  I do think it is possible to be married to someone in the military AND have your own career and life and certainly your own identity. I know a handful who do manage this. But it does take someone who is pretty independent to begin with to do it and it is pretty rare I see this happen amongst younger military families. It usually happens more with people who meet a little later, and where perhaps the military member has established themselves a bit more or are in a high enough and particular enough position to have a bit more stability. I also do believe there are many who DO fit the stereotype of a “military wife”, and do seem to believe their husband’s rank is their own (these ones drive me nuts!).

I do not believe the military is a “higher calling”, and in fact I sort of cringe at that term for any career as people will always do something that has something in it for them, whateer that is, though I do believe it is a career with its own specific nature that either works for some people or does not, but I do fully understand you that there certainly can be that “vibe” there with some sort of hero-worshipping (mostly from people who have no realistic experience with it). From my own experience, I can say that this can drive those who are more closely involved in it a little crazy, too. Wink

If someone is genuinely wanting to be involved in the military though, I would just encourage them to really look past the recruiting messages and the hero-worshipping (and their video game experience!) to see what the life is really like, and even then, you will not really understand it until you HAVE been in it (either for good or for bad).

Post # 26
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@sylvia.riggle:  You said, “Bottomline, they call them military wives for a reason–their entire identity is hinged to their husbands career choice.”

So, I’m working on PhD and so far am a straight A student,

I work full time as instructor and administrator in Higher Education

I am a mother to 2 year old child

I volunteer as a debate/forensics coach and judge

But my full identity is a military wife.

Yea…..No.

Post # 27
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Hear him out, but know it is so tough. I dated (and was very close to marrying) someone going through military training. The long stretches without contact, a schedule dictated my the military, and frequency moves turned out to be a deal breaker. He is a great guy, but I wasn’t willing to give up my career to move around all of the time. I couldn’t justified giving up a job I worked hard for (and made more than him and in a field where I couldn’t work near a base he’d be stationed at) to be a military wife. He couldn’t ask me to give up everything I’d worked for, and we both are happier for it. He married a great girl who stays at home with their daughter and doesn’t mind the moves to who knows where. I’m much happier with my settled life and good job.

Post # 28
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

This would be a deal breaker for me, but luckily, my hubs is not military material and he would never do it. Just not something that I could commit to.

Hope everything works out, regardless of your decision

Post # 29
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The military is a great oppurtunity, but would be a HUGE lifestyle change. I had a friend who had 3 children all under 4 when her husband joined the service. She was so happy to have a hubby in uniform, but I kept telling her to stop hyping it up because as soon as AIT was over, he would probably be shipped off to Iraq. She didn’t believe me, but within weeks of him being out, he was headed over to Iraq. So here she is in a brand new city that has tornados regularly with 3 children under 4.

My mom has been Army since she was 17 (25 years); my dad was in for 8 years, so I am used the lifestyle. My Fiance has an ok job, but constantly wants to join the military since he is also a miltary brat. I know what to expect, but still it will be hard. (my mom was in Iraq during my high school graduation, many soldiers miss their children’s births so be prepared for things like that)

Make sure your man knows exactly what he’s getting you both into, and if anything join the National Guard or Air Force. The Air Force is family friendly, have better bases, and will only send you away 6-8 months compared to a year with the Army.

Good luck with your guys’ decision!

 

Post # 30
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

All I can say this is huge decision that needs to be discussed between you and Fiance because it will affect you both dramatically in different ways.  Darling Husband loved the military, and if I hadn’t come along, had planned on making a career of it.  I was not interested…at all.  We went through one deployment together, and that was very very hard.  On top of the deployments, he would be gone for weeks at a time training in the middle of no where with zero cell service.  I knew I couldn’t be married when the threat of deployment always hanging over my head.  Needless to say, the years the military has been in our life has been stressful and hard, but also rewarding.  We are both very resilient and have learned how to depend on eachother because of the hard times we have been through.

With that said, my best friend’s husband is career Army and they are perfectly happy.  They deal with things one day at a time and roll with the issues that come up. 

Do your research…do ALOT of research and make sure this is the best decision for your family.  Because once your Fiance joins, the military will be your life.  Some love it, while some like myself are so excited to be done with it. 

Post # 31
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@aliavenue:  Your life sounds awesome, and way more interesting than mine! But to be fair, do you think your experience is typical for a military wife?

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