(Closed) Fiance's mother has passed away. Funeral while I'm away for work. Wtf do I do?!

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

anonabus :  Talk to your company and do anything you can to be at the funeral. Your company will just have to deal. 

Post # 17
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I have nothing to add. There’s but one option for you and it’s being with your future husband. 

Post # 19
Member
4447 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

What do you do? You go to the funeral. 

Post # 20
Member
6078 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Work will never prioritize you the way you want to prioritize them. If you drop dead today, they’ll replace you and move on. I know you think they can’t do it without you, but they can. 

My Dh travels all the time. One of the only things that makes it tolerable is that in an emergency he will drop everything and stay. It has only happened once in several decades, but if push comes to shove, he chooses me. It would completely change the marriage if that were not the case. 

Situations like this are rare, but they do a lot to define a relationship. Dh is gone more than he’s home a fair amount of time, but I know his priority is us. If you choose the work trip, what will your Dh say is your priority?

Post # 21
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee

 I’m sorry for your (and your fiances) loss.  This is a very sad and I’m sure confusing time.  You are right, he might not even know what he wants/needs until he is in the middle of it.  You probably will need to have an open honest conversation with him seeing if he has any idea what he needs.  Don’t mention how you not being on the trip will negatively impact your company and the event.  Honestly, that doesn’t really matter. 

I think you would have gotten a lot different responses if you had written your most recent update first.  The OP and first follow-up just was focusing on how you being gone from the work trip would be bad for the company.  Your most recent update focused on your fiance. 

Again, I’m so sorry for the sudden death of your Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 22
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

So while I didn’t have to travel for work, my husband’s father died while we were still engaged, so I’m hoping to give you a little different perspective on it. Everyone grieves differently, and it was just my husband, his sister and his mom. So with it being a small family I actually did a lot of the organizing for the funeral, the wake, etc. His family was extremely grateful to take the load of the “party planning” stuff off their hands as there was so much of the logistics stuff to figure out, and they did all of that.  There are a ton of people around when it first happens. People stopping by, calling, bringing food, saying hi at the wake, helping with putting together pictures, etc. I would stop by and help when I wasn’t working, but all those people that knew him way longer than I have were a lot more comforting to him because they could talk about stories that I wasn’t a part of, and he wanted to remember the good times. I would still go there and I know he enjoyed me being there to hear the stories, because he loved his dad and he wanted me to see what a great guy he was. He enjoyed me hearing these stories because I was going to be his wife and he wanted to make sure these stories were carried on. I felt kinda like I didn’t need to be there or was in the way but just being there was really helpful to him. Plus they made like 20 some odd posters of his pictures and it was so carthartic to them to do that. I was so glad I was there to help with that and hear all the stories. Also, having someone at the actual funeral to lean on was super helpful as well. And the week after when everyone stops coming by and saying hi, those are the super tough times. Just being there to keep their memory alive is awesome. 

I understand you’re in a tough spot. If you need to go to work, then do whatever I can to help out before your trip. See when the wake and the funeral fall, and do what you can to be there. See if you can start off the trip and get everyone going, bring your boss or whoever could take over from you and go back after the second day and make sure your focus is your fiancé. You can check in on work as needed but be there to help prepare for the funeral as well. If the funeral is within the first two days of the trip, then someone else is going to have to kick it off and you can pick up on the second half after the funeral. Or can you FaceTime with someone and manage it all remotely? You can work from 8-5 or whatever and then still be there each night. This is really the only way you can do both. But, like PP’s suggested, after having been through it myself, I would skip the whole trip. You just don’t know when he will need you most and what will mean the most to him. He won’t even know enough to tell you right now when he will need you. Just at some point he’ll need a hug or someone to take care of dinner or the dog so he doesn’t have to think about it. And just being there to hold him or to give him something to hold at night when he gets home will be invaluable to him. Knowing he’s not going through this alone and not feeling like he’s going through this with someone is honestly the best thing you can do. As strong and as tough as my husband is, I couldn’t imagine him feeling like he was going through any part of that alone. 

Post # 24
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

I would say as much as it sucks to miss a big work thing, I say drop the whole week and spend it with your fiance.  I think anything else could lead to resentment on his part.  If the rules were reversed wouldn’t you want him to do the same?  I hope he and his family are doing ok! ❤ 

Post # 25
Member
6044 posts
Bee Keeper

I would spend the week with my fiance, even if it meant having to find another job. His mother just died. He may not even know how much he will need you or how to verbalize it–you just need to be there for him. 

Post # 27
Member
6044 posts
Bee Keeper

anonabus :  If it helps–you’ve received pretty unanimous responses here. You need to be with your fiance this week. 

Post # 28
Member
4447 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

anonabus :  this shouldnt really even be a question. The responses all tell you to go to the funeral. No need to have doubts.

Post # 30
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

Agree with everyone. Loved ones are always more important than work. I think you have to support your fiance if he really is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The topic ‘Fiance's mother has passed away. Funeral while I'm away for work. Wtf do I do?!’ is closed to new replies.

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