(Closed) Fiance's mother has passed away. Funeral while I'm away for work. Wtf do I do?!

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

anonabus :  (content moderated for violating TOS) No, it’s not obvious your fiance is your top priority., in fact it really doesn’t sound like he is. And I don’t think you’re a monster necessarily, unless you’re actually suggesting in your last update that by ‘you hoped it would be this week’  you meant that you hoped his mother died before your trip so it would be more convenient for you. 

 

Post # 32
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

anonabus :  You need to cancel your attendance to the whole trip. And, I say this as someone who not only cannot take off time at work contractually, and someone who affects human lives in a very critical wayif I take off from my job.

Death his hard. And grief is a difficult, different process for everyone. Sometimes the day OF the funeral isn’t the hardest. You can be so distracted by all the activities, people you have to interact with, preparations, etc that you don’t quite process the death in that moment.

But, waves of deep pain happen in quiet moments. Walking home to an empty house without you after the funeral. Or, coming home from work without his partner to greet him 2 days later when things have “settled down” and reality sinks in.

A lot of people not only do not know what they want, but only discover their needs in the middle of the process of grieving. Your husband, like me, might like to be someone who stays busy constantly and tries to set things aside in his head. He might, instead, be someone who wants alone time to grieve and be “angry at the world,” but those people still feel comfort knowing that someone is nearby for a hug or comfort if they need it.

Bees are firmly telling you that your partner matters not only because work will not care about you three weeks after you die and they’ve replaced you, but because it can create a huge wound for you to abandon your other half in their greatest time of need. You speak to the needs of someone doing their first keynote speach, or someone not being able to appropriately do “a lot of driving,” and wanting to take over that work yourself. These are minor things even if they feel huge. And, if something happens to you where you are badly injured or otherwise cannot attend one of these events — you need to have someone as backup prepared to asssist. Being the “only one who can do” a job is bad business, nonprofit or otherwise. And this is a good opportunity to allow someone else to test their abilities in that role.

Stay home. For the entire trip. Whoever you send in your place can be talked through the position while you remain with your family.

Post # 33
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

anonabus :  Are they not having her funeral this week?  In our area, funerals are usually held 3 – 4 days after the loved one passes.  

Sorry for your loss.  It sounds like your job and this event is extremely important to you, but the funeral needs to be your priority.

Post # 34
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

anonabus :  I’m from the UK, so assuming the US might work slightly differently…? In the UK we can schedule funerals for when suits the family and when there is availability. So for my grandma’s funeral we pushed back because it was easier for us to travel up when we were already passing and for my grandad’s we had to have it on the Thursday because the Friday was booked but my uncle was going on holiday the week after. Is there the option to ask your in-laws to delay the funeral or avoid the work dates (assuming no religious reasons why someone has to be buried at a certain time)?

If the funeral can’t be managed around your work, I think you should go.

I had this discussion with my girlfriends. They think my husband is some kind of saint because he’d take the day off work to attend a family members funeral. But I’d do the same for him. He shouldn’t get a gold medal for the same standard that I’d be willing to put it in. What we’re prepared to put in should be equal. My point is, whatever you need is what you need to be prepared to give your partner. If the situation was reversed, would you need your partner there regardless of work commitments? If so, you need to be there for them.

Post # 35
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I would drop everything work related if it was my mother that had passed away I would want him to be there for me.

Post # 38
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

notmeeither :  So eloquent and spot on. anonabus  your fiance and his family will need your support during this difficult week and beyond. When my Mother-In-Law passed after a lengthy illness, my husbad was very cavalier about it and thought he could continue to work while organizing everything. I assured him that this was not a realistic thing and, in the end he came to realize that I was right. The days leading up to the funeral were busy and there was not much time to process his loss. After the funeral, when the quietness set in, is when the grieving process started full force. It may not be useful to ask your fiance what he needs at this point – he may, like my husband, not know or be aware of the reality that is ahead. To be sure, everyone grieves differently but I have seen enough death to know that there is little time to focus on your loss in the lead up to the funeral.

Post # 39
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t know if you need to take the entire week off, but you definitely do need to be there for your fiance. I understand how conscientious people feel terrible about leaving work high and dry. You have put together a great event and you are central to it. The event is going to most likely fall apart without you.

Now consider how you will feel in 25 or 30 years. This event will mean nothing to you. Most likely the job won’t matter at all either. Your family will matter. 

Post # 40
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

anonabus :  He will remember for the rest of his life if you were there beside him through this time and the funeral. Work colleagues and business partners will not remember if you were on this trip years down the road. I know that it’s hard and potentially troublesome for your career, but this is the man you’re planning to spend your life with. Choose him. It may end up not being an issue if the funeral doesn’t fall during the trip, but I would feel better knowing that I had prepared a contingency plan for the work trip over the funeral. 

Post # 41
Hostess
7600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

Bees, tidy up the language and keep this thread on track or else I will be closing it. 

Post # 42
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

Mrs_Beer :  Sorry

anonabus :  I’m not trying to be a jerk to you, but your fiance is the one who is truly hurting and he’s going to need you in the days following the funeral too. And as singingbee5 :  says, whether you’re there for him or not during this time will stick with him forever. My husband is the stoic practical type too. When his mom died he was his siblings’ shoulder to cry on, he went back to work, he seemed to be handing it really well. But I saw the private side of him, the way he tried to be strong for everyone else but his hand would tremble when I held it, the way he had trouble sleeping or eating. Even if your fiance tells you he’s okay, even if he tells you to go ahead with your work trip, he needs you more than he can articulate. 

Post # 45
Hostess
7600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

anonabus :  yeah and it wasn’t just you flagging posts. One to bear in mind.

The topic ‘Fiance's mother has passed away. Funeral while I'm away for work. Wtf do I do?!’ is closed to new replies.

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