(Closed) Fiance's mother ruining our relationship

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
10601 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Either your Fiance needs to set some SERIOUS boundaries with mom or you’re going to have to be movin’ along down the line. 

Post # 4
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow. And what does he do other than justify her behavior? If he isn’t a grown up now, he’s not going to morph into a good husband just because he gets married. 

I think you need to slow this down until he proves he’s capable of being a husband first. 

Post # 5
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
speckledolive :  Nope.  You don’t have a Mother-In-Law problem – people rarely do.  You have a Fiance problem.  He needs to get on board with YOU being his primary family now, and if you have to try to talk him into that?  Bad news.  

Bye Felicia.  He can go be married to mommy.

Post # 6
Member
3487 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
speckledolive :  “I’m questioning the future a lot!!” And rightly so. As they say in my country, there are plenty of fish in the ocean. Don’t think that only this man has the capacity of making you happy. In fact, he seems pretty talented at the opposite. I suggest  you seriously contemplate leaving this mess behind.

Post # 7
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Wow! I cant believe he wouldn’t say anything when she treats you like that! Hes being a total pushover, and letting YOU get run over! Not acceptable. You absolutely SHOULD be questioning the future. You are marrying him, but if he doesnt start standing up for you and setting some major boundaries, you’re going to be married to HER too.

Post # 8
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

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fredthebasil :  Nailed it. If mommy’s boy couldn’t set strict boundaries before, he’s not going to. And do you really want to deal with this the rest of your life? It sounds like he’s made it clear that he and mommy come as a package deal, and unfortunately for him, he’ll never have a healthy relationship because of it. Fortunately for you, you haven’t signed any legal documents yet. If he’s not willing to sit down, have a serious talk, and get some counseling with you, get out.

Post # 9
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It sounds to me like she has some mental health problems, as well as addiction issues. If she’s always short of money, it could be partly do to the cost of drugs.

I’m VERY serious when I say that before you move any further towards the wedding, sit down with Fiance and have a very important conversation about what is going to happen with mom in future when she gets ill and can’t look after herself? Are there other siblings who could help look after her? Because I see a situation where in 10 or so years her health will be failing, and she’ll need to move in with someone – and that someone might be you. By then you might have small children – and don’t want her drug problems anywhere near your kids.  Be aware that in future you may be paying for her to live in a nursing home. 

 

Post # 10
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

You don’t have a Future Mother-In-Law problem. You have a fiance problem.

Either he needs to set her straight or you need to walk away from this mess.

Post # 11
Member
7707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I wholeheartedly agree that you don’t have a Mother-In-Law probleem; you have an Fiance problem. He isn’t standing up to his mum now, so what makes you think he will change after you marry him? He won’t.  So you need to decide now whether you can tolerate his acceptance and tacit approval of his mum and what she does or whether you cannot. Don’t count on his support when it comes to her watching a baby in the future. Indeed, if his mum disagrees, don’t count on his support for anything.

Post # 12
Member
2880 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
speckledolive :  I had to end a relationship with a boyfriend because of his mom.  She put so many insecurities in him that no amount of reassurance from me could change her influence on him.  She too had an addiction problem (alcohol) and even though she is sober now and lives out of state, she still has him under her thumb.

My then boyfriend couldn’t and wouldn’t stand up for me.  I couldn’t live the rest of my life like that.

Post # 13
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
speckledolive :  your FI’s mom isn’t the problem. She only does what he lets her do. So your actual problem is with him. Not her. I’ve seen multiple relationships, engagements, and marriages where 1-2 parents are overbearing and negative. IMO the relationships that worked and were healthy were where the adult children of the difficult parents established and enforced boundaries that worked for their relationships. They let their parents know what types of behaviors were expected and weren’t okay and distanced themselves if the parents disregarded that. Those parents had to be told and saw in action that there was no competition at all, but, if there was, the SO would come first, not the parent. 

It seems that you’ve never liked the relationship your Fiance has w his mom the whole time you’ve been dating. I wouldn’t expect that to change. Before you get married and have kids (and really before you got engaged), you should decide if you are going to be happy with how he currently deals with his mother for the rest of your life. 

Post # 14
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He’s no type going to change and neither is she. If you’re marring him, this is what you’re getting. He in enmeshed big time. 

Post # 15
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I agree your Fiance needs to take a stand with his mother. It’s only going to get worse when you’re married and if/when you have kids. His mother may well have issues, but it will certainly take its toll in the long run. 

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