(Closed) Fiance’s parents expect him to spend birthdays with the family

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If your Fiance doesn’t have a problem with it, I really don’t see what the problem is.  It’s his birthday.. which actually has more to do with his family than it does with you.  If this was your anniversary we were talking about, yeah.. I’d have a problem.  I actually think it’s a super nice tradition.. I wish my family made that big a deal over the day I came into the world, Lol.

Post # 18
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper

I think if it was bothering HIM, then you might have a reason to be a bit upset. He seems to have no problems with it ONE day a year, so why should you? We still see everyone for our birthdays too, and the times we make other plans, they don’t like it one bit.

When you have kids, many things will change, and you’ll begin your own lttle traditions. For now, it’s his birthday and I’d let it go.  

Post # 19
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeah, I would have to agree that I think you are maybe being a bit selfish…I usually try to do something special for my fiancee on his birthday at our actual home on the same day, but I think its a little far fetched to expect to have your fiancee all to yourself for his birthday.  Try to look at it from his parent’s/family’s view as well…how do you think they would feel if you got someone they love all to yourself on his birthday?  They would probably be a little hurt.  Plus, his family is including you in the dinner as well, so try to go & have a good time and enjoy the free dinner! Then do something “special” for him when you get back from his parents place, something that his family definitely can’t be a part of, wink wink.  My fiancee is always so happy that I make an effort to be there and enjoy time with his family, and still make our alone time special.  That probably means more to him than any romantic thing I could pull off if I was excluding him from his family.  You could start your own tradition of say, designating the night before his birthday as you & him alone time, then take him on a date & do the romantic thing then!  Marriage is kind of about compromises, and unfortunately, we have to learn to be pretty flexible sometimes.  I know that you really love your fiancee, but you have to remember, that his family really loves him too! They kind of come as a package deal.  Be thankful he gets along with his family & enjoys spending time with them, because in my opinion, this forecasts a great daddy! 

Post # 19
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

For now, I would say that if he likes it the way things are, then leave them that way. He might really enjoy his breakfast dinner with his parents and since he no longer lives with them (I’m assuming), he probably likes having mom cook for him. As for dinner, that could probably be moved but if he doesn’t want it to be, as long as you are welcome to the dinner, I’d just leave it be. 

The way they probably look at it, is that YOU can move your celebration with him. They gave birth to him, so they want that day.

When you have kids, that’s when I’d put my foot down, like “Well, we have our son/daughter now and I’d really like to cook his birthday breakfast here.” and then if they still want to have dinner, have it at your house instead.

In the end though, it’s really up to him and whether he wants that tradition to stop. 

Post # 20
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with the PPs who say to let him decide what he does on his birthday.  You get him to yourself the rest of the year, girl!  If his family wants to spend an entire day with him, and that’s what he wants, I say to let this one go.

There are some things that my Fiance does with his family that drive me bonkers (ie. He claims he’s going to spend the night at his parent’s house on Christmas eve for the rest of his life…I don’t freaking think so), but if I were in this situation, I’d choose to keep my opinions to myself.

You mentioned that you had the whole weekend to celebrate, what did you end up doing?  🙂

Post # 22
Member
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m just curious- are you invited to birthday breakfast? Also, what do you do on other holidays, is he expected to be with his family or do you guys split up and have alone time and time w both families? 

Post # 23
Member
5540 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

What does HE want, as it is HIS birthday? If he enjoys his birthday tradition with his family, then I think you are going to have to suck it up and deal. Because, why cant you two celebrate his birthday the day before or after? But if he doesn’t want to do it, then he needs to have a talk with his family and figure out what is mutually acceptable.

Post # 25
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@Bichon Frise:  You’ve alredy received some pretty sound advice, but I agree with other PP’s to let it go  for now. If you feel his parent’s or family cannot “cut the strings” I think you should definitely talk with him about it, but not have it centered around his birthday plans per se. 

Saying: “Honey, I feel like your mom and dad have a hard time letting you go for x,y, and z reasons” may actually gain some ground for you whereas saying, ” honey, you need to put your foot down with your mother and tell her no birthday breakfast/dinner” because he clearly doesn’t have a problem with their plans.

He has been doing birthday’s like this his whole life! Last year was even better because his very serious girlfriend was there, too… and everyone he remotely cared about was there celebrating the day he was born! I can see why romance doesn’t come across as #1 on this day for him, when I think of my b-day, I think of a few cards, phone calls and dinner with FI/ family.

Post # 26
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with the previous posters who suggested that you let this go, unless he is unhappy with the situation.

For me, my birthday is about my family of origin, not so much about my partner.  I can’t imagine not spending it with my mother and siblings, whenever possible.  If your fiance feels the same way, he might be perfectly happy with the way things are.

 

Post # 27
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m on your side with this OP, because I am in your shoes with Fiance and his family on this stuff.

This does really irritate me too — he’s a grown man, and as you grow up, things change. I’m assuming that no one still celebrates their birthday the exact same was as when they were 1 … 5… 10 … ect ect, correct? My thought is that the reason he’s never put an end to it is because he’s never had a reason to. Now he does. He’s getting married, starting his own family and his own traditions. Time to cut the umbilical cord and move on. He can still celebrate his birthday with his family, perhaps this breakfast with his parents if he chooses, and then maybe you can suggest “honey I was thinking that from now on for your birthday dinners, I’d really like to be able to take you out and celebrate just us”…. there is NOTHING wrong with this. That is how everyone I know celebrates birthdays! And then move on 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 28
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I would want to know what your Fiance thinks first…..but I agree with the PP who said you should create your own traditions. I think doing either the breakfast (and include you for gosh sake’s!) or the dinner is ok…..but both? Hell, we never did that much for any of my or my sibling’s b-days!

Seriously, once I turned 18, I get a phone call. Even the one year I was home on my b-day during college, I don’t even think they remembered to make a cake so your FI’s family seems a bit………clingy to me. But, if your Fiance is head over heels about it, I’m not really sure what you can do about it :

Post # 28
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If spending his birthday with his family is what he wants, why is it a problem?

I’m spending my actual birthday this year with my husband and his parents.  They’re taking me out to lunch, then we’re going to their place for cake.  Some years DH and I spend the day at a theme park.  Point is, whoever is having a birthday gets to choose how we spend it.

Post # 29
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would leave it as is. Coming from a family where the tradtion is having a birthday dinner with my mom, and sisters every year on my birthday I couldn’t imagine doing anything differently. My guess is if your fiance hasn’t said anything about wanting to make some sort of change he really doesn’t want to.

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