(Closed) Fiance’s parents expect him to spend birthdays with the family

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 44
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My Mother-In-Law is the same way!!! When we were just dating I too let it go and let them have their way since I was “just” a girlfriend. This past year she acted appalled at the thought that her son would rather spend his birthday with his fiance than his own mother. *gasp* the horror! I just roll my eyes, after 6 years I’m used to it and thankfully my DH politely declined and suggeted a different day for his dinner with his family. Of course at this family birthday dinner his mom proceeded to mention countless times how he is all grown up now and would rather spend his birthday with his fiance in an appalled tone of voice.

Anyway, my advice is your Fiance needs to be the one to make this decision and to let his parents down. If your Fiance doesn’t see your side it’ll be hard for him to stand up to his parents and these life long traditions. My DH just “goes with the flow” a lot too and he never thinks anything is wrong until I point it out. For me, I just beat his parents to making plans that way when they remind DH of their traditions he points out he’s already got plans. Sneaky, I know. But it works (most of the time).

Post # 45
Member
3106 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

maybe it’s just me, but birthday’s are not necessarily about romance, but about family. my SO’s 40th is in 2 weeks and we’ll have dinner with his parents (my suggestion) and then go to NYC for the weekend.

maybe you’re honing in on this one thing but it’s a bigger issue of wanting him to put his new family (you) ahead of his parents. this is understandable, though i’m not sure a birthday (that’s not yours) is the right occassion. if they’re making demands for every holiday and showing up randomly that’s one thing. if they want to celebrate the life of their child with him and you fight it, you will come off pretty petty.

Post # 46
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

My husband and I went through something similar.

This: “He is their oldest child and the only one in a serious relationship. I feel like they don’t know how to let him go and let him live his own life” has EVERYTHING to do with it. It sucks, I know.

FWIW, I agree that it’s too much and it’s an unfair assumption but if it’s going to change, it has to be your FI’s choice. And he should start setting boundaries now on the little stuff so that once you’re married, holidays and whatnot are easier.

Post # 48
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You do realize his birthday is not just about him, but also the people who brought him into the world right? I am a Mother and my child’s birthday is very important to ME as the person who birthed him. He doesn’t sound bothered by it, YOU seem bothered by it. Let the man enjoy his birthday with his family for pete’s sake. I am so confused by all this, when did birthdays become a romantic holiday to be spent with a fiance and not a celebration of birth? 

Post # 49
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

View original reply
@Bichon Frise:  yeah and this is the impression I was getting from your first post……that his mom and dad don’t know when enough is enough. It doesn’t hurt to be ‘unavailable’ or have ‘other plans’ every now and then when they expect you to come over.

We had that issue this year – both our families celebrate on Christmas Eve. So we had it worked out to split it, his family early afternoon and mine later. Well as we were leaving to drive home, his mom calls and said that DH’s brother and SIL had to go to SIL’s family at a different time, so they would be having their Christmas Eve later now as well. Ok………..well now that’s when we were going to mine. They didn’t ask, just assumed we’d be there. And we did, with the caveat that we would be leaving by x time. You would think the world was ending! The whole time during dinner, Mother-In-Law was ‘eat faster so they can leave, let’s open gifts so they can leave’. It just made everything very uncomfortable like it was *my* family’s fault for ‘stealing us away’ when we had already set it up to accomodate everyone.

Post # 50
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I am also not getting this vibe of because you birth someone, you ‘own’ that day with them. It should be about spending it with those you love……….including your future spouse!

Post # 51
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@Bichon Frise:  I am super close with my family and would be sad if I didn’t spend my birthday with them, we always get together to celebrate everyones birthdays… if Fiance EVER tried to change that I would be upset.  I would let them keep the tradition going, I think it’s great he has such a loving family.  I could be wrong but do you think maybe you are a little jealous? And I’m not trying to say it in a bad way but you said they don’t make a big deal about your bday.  If they celebrated your bday the same way would you be okay with it?  I will agree with you on the skyping Christmas morning when you are at your familes house trying to open gifts is a bit much though… I mean I could see skyping with them to say hi and Merry Christmas because  they want to see their son.

Post # 52
Member
9876 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess maybe I’m the weird one out, but I see nothing wrong with celebrating a birthday with family. I always go out to dinner with my family and Fiance on my birthday, and vice versa. Honestly if he came to me and wanted us to spend the whole day alone I would be a little bummed lol. Personally unless your Fiance is bothered by the whole arrangement I would just let it go…

And yeah, our parents expect that we will spend holidays with them if we’re in town…isn’t that what families are for…?

Post # 53
Member
2636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would defer to your Fiance on this.  Afterall, it is his birthday.  So, if he wishes to spend it with his fam, then that’s what you should go with.

Post # 54
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If he doesn’t have a problem with it, I think you need to chill about it. It’s a little rude that they didn’t acknowledge your birthday at all (although if your Fiance is anything like mine, I wouldn’t be at all sure that they knew for sure when your birthday was!)

With all the different relatives in my family even before I added FI’s side to things, we got used to celebrating multiple Christmases and Thanksgivings. This often extends to multiple birthdays. Who wouldn’t enjoy doing multiple birthday celebrations? Do a birthday dinner with his folks on his birthday (or the next day), and then have your special couple celebration on the other day.

Failing that, you guys can always celebrate with the Jeremih-approved “Birthday Sex” AFTER dinner. 😀

 

Post # 55
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

i am assuming this year is already done? 

if I were in your shoes, next year I will try to ask your DH a few weeks in advance see if he want to do something different for his bday this time, maybe shifting up a bit celebrating with his family the day after or invite them to try out a different restaurant for breakfast… or just cerlebrate the bday with family in the morning, then goes off celebrating by yourselves.

see what his thoughts are going to be.  If he doesn’t mind, then you can propose to the INLAWs early in advance enough.

But if your DH still don’t want to break the tradition, see if you can schedule the family breakfast on a different date maybe?  just so you guys can have part of the day together. 

I am curious, shouldn’t birthday lie on weekdays sometimes too?  How can he find time to have breakfast with family?

If your Fiance likes to spend the bday with family, no harm with that.  Maybe see if he would love to spend the bday with your family too.  (if they are in town)

Other than Valentine’s Day, I don’t think anyone should feel they are entitled to any holiday.  My Fiance tend to block off birthday night with me since we dated.  I don’t really mind if once in a while spend with my family too. 

Post # 56
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think birthdays are time for family celebration, but they don’t necessarily have to be on the actual birthday! And certainly not both breakfast AND dinner. When I’m in the same city as my family (was away for uni) we usually do dinner and have a cake to celebrate my birthday. Sometimes it may be on my actual birthday, sometimes maybe not. It depends on what I want to do, whether I want to have a romantic meal with my Fiance this year or not etc. I think it’s a little weird for a grown engaged man to be spending both breakfast and dinner with his fam, especially cause lunch is usually out of the picture due to being at work or what not. And it is VERY weird that his fiance isn’t invited to the breakfast!

Post # 57
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Bichon Frise:  Ahhh, now it’s making more sense.  The birthday ON TOP OF Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. is crazy!  If it were just the birthday, I’d say let it go.  I’m glad you put your foot down on Christmas.  I agree that you should talk to him in terms of ALL of it rather than one holiday.  It may be that you need to “ween” them off of y’all!  Good luck!!!!

Post # 58
Member
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@Bichon Frise:  Ahhhh. Well, that does change it a bit. The birthday thing… i’d still leave it alone. The other holidays shoulfd be split though. Like one year its Christmas with his family and the next you travel to yours. There needs to be some balance.

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