(Closed) Fiance's parents hate me.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
178 posts
Blushing bee

@JujuBay:  Oh my gosh I’m so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I don’t have much advice other than that you can’t choose your family and sometimes it’s just never a walk in the park. I hope that one day they eventually warm up to you and the situation and accept you. Time heals and makes for acceptance sometimes.

Post # 4
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@JujuBay:  That’s an awful way to react.  I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I think you have the right idea, of being the bigger person and inviting them.

Post # 5
530 posts
Busy bee

@JujuBay:  Are you prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life?  It sounds like he has put his parents before you in the past. Maybe it’s a part of the culture and accepted, or maybe it’s a big red flag. I don’t know, I’d just be VERY upset if my guys parents had so much influence over his life (and by extension, my life). Also, they want a woman that can take care of him?? Errr? Is he a 3 year old or a grown man? I’m so confused…

Post # 6
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@JujuBay:  I’m really sorry for you guys. I think you do have the right idea of being the bigger person in this situation. Keep being polite and a lovely person; if they keep treating you this way then it will just leave his parents looking foolish in the end. And at least that way, you can honestly say that you did the best you could.

And keep being supportive of your Fiance. It can’t be easy for him to hear his parents say such things about you both.

Give it some time. It’s possible that they will come around after a while. Allow Fiance to keep the lines of communication open unless they really get out of hand. If they do, then you should both continue to be polite; being polite doesn’t mean allowing yourselves to be pushed around. And if things really get bad, then taking a communication break could be in order.

Good luck and stay strong!

Post # 7
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

They sound just awful.  I’m glad you’re not letting them get to you.

Post # 8
1989 posts
Buzzing bee

@LoggerHead91207:  yes. My grandma used to hate my uncle’s bride to the point of refusing to go to the wedding and pretending my dad didn’t go to his brother’s wedding. My dad said to her face. Listen, Juanita (didn’t even call her mom) . Your son is getting married. You might not like it but it will happen with or without your blessing. Now get off my ass because I WILL be there for my brother and his bride. Start getting used to it because she’ll be his wife and they are welcome in our house at any time. If you don’t come around, get used to the idea of not spending the holidays and important dates with me, my wife and your grandkids because my brother and his wife will always be welcome at my house.

Long story short, eventually she came around and as life tends to take weird turns, the very same woman she didn’t like loved her and took care of my grandma in her elder years along with my mom. She ended up loving the woman she didn’t like at the beginning. 

OP we don’t know what it will be like. Sorry youare going through this. I’ve been adored by a previous boyfriend’s family and then hated by second BFs mom. I know it is not easy. :-/.Good luck and I hope they warm up to you.

Post # 9
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@JujuBay:  the only reason that they don’t like you is b/c you’re not a doctor and you can’t ‘take care’ of their son?  that’s bs.  what are their expectations of their son?

i’m sorry you are dealing with this.  unfortunately, if not resolved, this will put tension on the relationship and marriage indefinitely.  i hope that the two of you are prepared for that.

good luck.

Post # 10
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

Maybe you could send a brief letter that says something like you are willing to let the past be the past and would like to know if they’re ready to do the same.  If so, they are welcome to be at your wedding, but only as family who are ready to celebrate your marriage.  Let them know that you want to build a strong family relationship with them, so that as your family grows in the future (if you are planning on children), they can be a close part of it as well.  I’d consider letting them know that you love their son very much, and you know they love him dearly as well, and that this matters very much for his happiness and would make you happy as well.  Then the ball is in their court…if they want to act the way they do after that, I can’t see your husband not understanding why you won’t reach out to them in the future or choose to involve them in events.

Post # 11
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is such a sad situation and I’m so sorry this is happening. I know some people will say not to get involved but I disagree to a point.

Last summer my FIL’s wife called me to tell me that  FIL was no longer going to be speaking to my husband (long story). At first I stayed out of it because everyone told me too but eventually I just couldn’t stand seeing him that hurt so I wrote them a text (yes… a letter probably would have been better but I sent a very long text instead). I just let them know they their son loved them very much and that I thought it was very wrong to cut him out like this. I told them that I had never seen my husband so distraught and upset and that I thought this was wrong. It worked. They called him the next day. 

So, I would suggest a letter to them. Tell them how much this hurts your Fiance and that he still loves them and really wants them there. Send that letter and put the ball in their court. Then, just be as supportive as possible and let your Fiance handle the rest the way he wants.

TBH, I would also suggest he apologize for not telling them sooner. If I found out my child was engaged through facebook and then he waited a month to tell me- I would be pretty upset.


Post # 12
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

They want a woman to take care of THEIR son?! That’s appalling. How is your Fiance handling this? Does he seem to be on your side?

Post # 15
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

@JujuBay:  If she acts like that I think that you’re a saint for still being willing to provide her with an invite.  Seriously.

Post # 16
2765 posts
Sugar bee

In some ways you are fortunate (although it doesn’t’ t feel it) because things are so clear and out in the open.  I think it’s probably worse if things are hidden and secretive, where people might be nice to your face but cruel behind your back.

What can you do?  You cannot make these unpleasant people like you so don’t spend too much energy on this.  Just because you and your family are friendly and loving and logical doesn’t mean other people are like this.

 For your own sake and your fiance’ s it is probably best to be civilised and pleasant, but firm with the future in laws.  If you are civilised and pleasant then you maintain the moral high ground.  However, this has to be coupled with being firm where you do not have to tolerate rudeness.  

If your fiance wishes to invite them to the wedding then invite them.  If they decide not to come then that is their choice.  They may well think better of their stance once they have had time to consider the consequences (no contact with their son, having to explain the situation to other relatives, no access to possible future grandchildren, no help in times of adversity, etc) and decide to come after all.

Even if they do decide to come to your wedding you need to have a discussion with your fiance about what you will do if they are rude to you again.  Unpleasant and manipulative people remain this way if unchallenged and the best strategy to deal with them is to stand up to them.

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