(Closed) Fiance's parents hate me.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

@Supersleuth:  +1

They might eventually end up liking you and they might not…

Either way, the only thing you can control is your behavior. As mentioned, try to always be polite and respectful in person. At the same time, don’t let them talk to you however they want. 

Polite and firm is the best thing you do when dealing with people like this. You’re essentially dealing with child-like behavior, so you have to act accordingly.

Sorry you and your Fiance have to deal with their crappy behavior!

Post # 18
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@JujuBay:  Wow, his parents really don’t sound like the basis for a healthy, fulfilling partnership. Hopefully in time they’ll realize that what “works” for them might not be the ideal thing for the son. It may be awkward for the wedding and during the first few years, but if the best revenge is living well. Maybe they’ll come around after seeing that the world didn’t end because their son didn’t end up with a doctor/lawyer and that in fact he’s very happy with you.

Best of luck, I have Asian grandparents and my mom had a hard road early on too, hoping things work out for you in time, and sooner rather than later!

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Nazareth Hall

Good luck to both of you. Honestly if you are both happy and want to be married nobody can really tell you what to do, you’re adults, it’s your decision. 

However, the whole his parents expected that you, the woman, would be the breadwinner throws up a huge red flag for me. I am not 100% tradtional, and not 100% feminist-woman-can-do-all but I think that working to make a home yourselves should be a mutual effort and if one of you stays home and doesn’t work it needs to be a mutual decision. As long as you guys have discussed how those decisions will be made when the time comes then you guys will be fine. Go off and have a happy life together!

Post # 21
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow, I’m so sorry that you and your Fiance have to deal with that. I agree with PP, you are a saint for even sending them an invite! I am happy taht your Fiance backs you up and obviously loves you. I’m also happy for your Fiance that he can finally expereince the kind of love that he obviously didn’t get from his family. I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 22
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m going through something similar with my FI’s parents. One thing to watch out for- to the extent they want a relationship w him that acts like you don’t exist (meaning they dont want to see you or hear your name but are fine seeing him solo and talking about anything but you), you should both be wary of that.

Parents in these types of her or us situations do that to “win”- when you aren’t there, his parents probably talk bad about you or call you names, at worst, or they pretend you don’t exist And don’t mean enough to him for him to insist on only going where you’re welcome, at best. an engaged person or spouse should not let anybody else behave this way twd their FI/spouse and nobody’s parents should get a free pass. 

Maybe at some point, he can say something like this (if he hasn’t already): I love you both and would like for you to be a part of my life. I also love Jujubay and she is going to be by my side for the rest of my life. If she’s excluded, then I’m excluded. 

If there are relatives or family friends, they might be able to explain to his parents that they will lose their son if they don’t stop this nonsense. 

Post # 24
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@JujuBay:  Have his parents ever been rude in your presence or made rude remarks about you to your face?

Post # 25
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Congrats on your engagement! All that really matters is that you and your Fiance are happy, but the whole situation is definitely not pleasant. I think you should meet with them one-on-one and talk to them, try to understand why they have this opinion of you. You sound like a very nice person, so I wouldn’t be surprise if they got such an image of yourself based on something you’ve said or done in the past (unintentionally) that might have left them believing you might not be the best fit for their beloved son. I doubt the reason is simply that you don’t have a Phd. If that is the real reason, though, I think you should just step aside and not even try to fix things up, as that is wrong on so many levels. 

 

Good luck! I hope everything works out fine.

Post # 26
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@JujuBay:  I know a couple who has two beautiful children and neither of their parents’ are super involved nor care. And they are super duper happy together and even happier that no one meddles into their relationship. This commitment is ultimately between the both of you, not between you two and his parents. He should move up to NorCal where you guys have lots of love and support and continue to be happy together. I wish you the best of luck and I think his parents will get over it and come back around. Anything can happen! 

Post # 27
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@JujuBay:  Sorry this is so long, but I’m hoping it can help you as much as I’ve helped my Fiance and I with this stuff. it is good if he comes to these realizations somewhat on his own and has your support regardless, yes. But you have to realize (as I have w my FI) that his parents are very vocal about their feelings and “needs” and they make him feel bad for not giving them what they want (which seems to include acting like you don’t exist w the hope hat you’ll eventually disappear), so if you dont show him how you feel at all, then all he hears is their needs and preferences.  He wants to marry you, so he’ll want to protect you and your relationship if you let him know that you’re being hurt by his parents too.

 I’m not demanding and I let my Fiance know that I support any decisions he makes and that I understand this is a hard process. Also, I don’t say things unless I believe them. 

At times, he used to feel “stuck” between his parents and I, but I make sure he knows that it’s only his parents manipulating him or trying to make him choose- i’ll say things like

  • of course I want you to have a positive relationship w your parents (subtext- his parents act as though they don’t want him to have a positive relationship w a woman and if his parents behave horribly it seems good for him to decide what boundaries he needs bc the goal is a positive relationship, not one that makes him feel bad); 
  • I would never make you choose between me and them (subtext- THEY are trying to force you to choose; I am not); 
  • I’ve never disliked your parents and I’m not angry at them; I actually like them when they arent acting like this  (subtext- THEY are the only ones bad mouthing the other, me; I don’t say mean, untrue things about them); 
  • I would never act this way toward you and none of your friends would either or what would you do if it was a friend of you’re acting like this?  (subtext- why should he let his parents treat him bad or talk abt and behave towards you this way if he wouldn’t let his friends act the same way). 

Ive asked my Fiance if there’s anything about me that could change that he’s sure would make me okay in his parents eyes- not just what his parents claim is wrong w me but whether they might not ever be happy w anybody for him. those conversations helped him realize that he used to think there was a girl he could choose who could meet his parents’ standards but that his parents were just unreasonable and wouldn’t ever be satisfied. we talked about what if our son dated or wanted to marry a girl like me? Of course my Fiance would be thrilled bc he thinks I’m amazing (help him tap into how great you are and how much everybody but his parents thinks you’re wonderful). 

I ask what his parents have said abt me or past gfs. It’s been quite shocking. Some parents can get away w saying A LOT and it helps for him to repeat things out loud to realize how bad they are. Like calling someone a “dirty hoebag”, “that girl”, etc is just going too far. I’d repeat all the nice things I’d done and say that I’d be nice and civil to them again if they were to me, no problem, even though they acted horribly twd me in the past. if he keeps seeing that you’d start fresh if they would, he might realize that you 2 are always trying and they never are. So at some point he’ll realize it’s okay to stop trying to make the relationship w them work until they stop trying to break you up. 

If you’re ever sad about it or cry, I’d let him see that sometimes. Let him see if it’s affecting you so he can decide what to do. I’ve been so pleasantly surprised by just how much my Fiance is willing to stand up for me, all fully on his own (& it’s increasing by the day).

Talk about how you 2 would act as parents in similar situations or what it would take for you to not allow your child’s Fiance over. That can help him see how unreasonable his parents are being. 

If he seems confused and lost at some point- say you’ve come across websites where some things sound similar and ask if he wants you to send links to him. I googled at first momzilla and controlling parents-type stuff abt weddings & what to do, then as he progressed, sites talking abt controlling or manipulative parents, and now things about emotionally abusive parents. I told him that if you ignore the labels and just read the examples and experiences, does anything sound familiar or is it way off base? He read those things on his own time and marveled at how much of those sites and other ppl’s stories about their parents could have been written about his. He came up w his own ideas of what to do about it and realized he wanted to talk to more friends abt the situation to get their opinions too. 

He also saw that I’m trying to help him as he works through this. I’m not telling him what to do or guilting him (like his parents try to do) to feel like he’s doing something wrong or mean. I’m just his Fiance and soon-to-be spouse, helping and supporting him as he tries to figure out what to do while his parents are acting like children who dont want to share. 

Bottom-line- if he doesn’t stand up for you eventually and put his foot down w his parents, he’s probably not fully ready to be married yet. And hopefully your Fiance is already standing up for you and it’ll increase w time (I don’t remember your full posts right now, so I’m definitely not judging) 

Post # 28
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

@JujuBay:  Oh my… that’s so terrible. I actually have a family member in a similar situation, and he’s decided to listen to his mother. I feel terrible for the girl… 🙁

You and your Fiance should go with your hearts. Your Fiance definitely needs to talk to them. They should be supportive with his life decisions, it’s honestly so ridiculous that they’re acting like this.

I hope it all works out for you soon!! 

Post # 29
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

What a disgraceful situation. Juliette, his parents will someday regret the wedge they have driven between themselves and their son. It’s one thing if they had mentioned to him (in private), “We have concerns, and here’s why,” even if those concerns are ridiculous and unreasonable to the rest of us. It’s fair that they have their shot at expressing it, but that is where the road ENDS. For me, they’d have to be serious concerns before I’d ever raise them and risk alienating my kid, but to each their own.

What’s concerning here is they’ve basically kicked you out of the picture — totally. Making you get all of the things you were storing at their place because they suddenly don’t “like” you. Not acknowledging your engagement unless asked. Outright saying that they won’t be coming to the wedding because he’s with you.

They have driven a wedge in the sand, and you can do nothing to fix it. If I were your fiance, there would be no more contact with my parents, no wedding invitation, etc., until they choose to act like adults and initiate contact.

By continuing contact with them, he would be rewarding this behavior — this, “Her or us,” mentality.

I am sorry you’re in this position. But honestly — wanted you to have an advanced degree so you could support their son? Hahahaha. Please try to keep this in perspective and think about their reasoning. It really is absurd and likely has very little, if anything, to do with you.

Post # 31
Member
966 posts
Busy bee

I have a story for you. When my mom and dad first started dating, my grandma via my dads mom didn’t like my mom and didn’t have the best relationship but once my sister and I were born my mom and my dads mom started to bond and have gotten closer as a result of the birth of my sister and I. 

 

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