@JujuBay: Sorry this is so long, but I’m hoping it can help you as much as I’ve helped my Fiance and I with this stuff. it is good if he comes to these realizations somewhat on his own and has your support regardless, yes. But you have to realize (as I have w my FI) that his parents are very vocal about their feelings and “needs” and they make him feel bad for not giving them what they want (which seems to include acting like you don’t exist w the hope hat you’ll eventually disappear), so if you dont show him how you feel at all, then all he hears is their needs and preferences. He wants to marry you, so he’ll want to protect you and your relationship if you let him know that you’re being hurt by his parents too.
I’m not demanding and I let my Fiance know that I support any decisions he makes and that I understand this is a hard process. Also, I don’t say things unless I believe them.
At times, he used to feel “stuck” between his parents and I, but I make sure he knows that it’s only his parents manipulating him or trying to make him choose- i’ll say things like
- of course I want you to have a positive relationship w your parents (subtext- his parents act as though they don’t want him to have a positive relationship w a woman and if his parents behave horribly it seems good for him to decide what boundaries he needs bc the goal is a positive relationship, not one that makes him feel bad);
- I would never make you choose between me and them (subtext- THEY are trying to force you to choose; I am not);
- I’ve never disliked your parents and I’m not angry at them; I actually like them when they arent acting like this (subtext- THEY are the only ones bad mouthing the other, me; I don’t say mean, untrue things about them);
- I would never act this way toward you and none of your friends would either or what would you do if it was a friend of you’re acting like this? (subtext- why should he let his parents treat him bad or talk abt and behave towards you this way if he wouldn’t let his friends act the same way).
Ive asked my Fiance if there’s anything about me that could change that he’s sure would make me okay in his parents eyes- not just what his parents claim is wrong w me but whether they might not ever be happy w anybody for him. those conversations helped him realize that he used to think there was a girl he could choose who could meet his parents’ standards but that his parents were just unreasonable and wouldn’t ever be satisfied. we talked about what if our son dated or wanted to marry a girl like me? Of course my Fiance would be thrilled bc he thinks I’m amazing (help him tap into how great you are and how much everybody but his parents thinks you’re wonderful).
I ask what his parents have said abt me or past gfs. It’s been quite shocking. Some parents can get away w saying A LOT and it helps for him to repeat things out loud to realize how bad they are. Like calling someone a “dirty hoebag”, “that girl”, etc is just going too far. I’d repeat all the nice things I’d done and say that I’d be nice and civil to them again if they were to me, no problem, even though they acted horribly twd me in the past. if he keeps seeing that you’d start fresh if they would, he might realize that you 2 are always trying and they never are. So at some point he’ll realize it’s okay to stop trying to make the relationship w them work until they stop trying to break you up.
If you’re ever sad about it or cry, I’d let him see that sometimes. Let him see if it’s affecting you so he can decide what to do. I’ve been so pleasantly surprised by just how much my Fiance is willing to stand up for me, all fully on his own (& it’s increasing by the day).
Talk about how you 2 would act as parents in similar situations or what it would take for you to not allow your child’s Fiance over. That can help him see how unreasonable his parents are being.
If he seems confused and lost at some point- say you’ve come across websites where some things sound similar and ask if he wants you to send links to him. I googled at first momzilla and controlling parents-type stuff abt weddings & what to do, then as he progressed, sites talking abt controlling or manipulative parents, and now things about emotionally abusive parents. I told him that if you ignore the labels and just read the examples and experiences, does anything sound familiar or is it way off base? He read those things on his own time and marveled at how much of those sites and other ppl’s stories about their parents could have been written about his. He came up w his own ideas of what to do about it and realized he wanted to talk to more friends abt the situation to get their opinions too.
He also saw that I’m trying to help him as he works through this. I’m not telling him what to do or guilting him (like his parents try to do) to feel like he’s doing something wrong or mean. I’m just his Fiance and soon-to-be spouse, helping and supporting him as he tries to figure out what to do while his parents are acting like children who dont want to share.
Bottom-line- if he doesn’t stand up for you eventually and put his foot down w his parents, he’s probably not fully ready to be married yet. And hopefully your Fiance is already standing up for you and it’ll increase w time (I don’t remember your full posts right now, so I’m definitely not judging)