Post # 1
So, I’m getting married on January 1st after quite a long engagement. My fiance and I have been together seven years, and while we’ve considered doing a court house ceremony and then throwing a more elaborate affair later, we knew that the likelihood of this happening would be very slim; that something else would always take priority. So, we wanted to do things “right” the first time around. Well, like a lot of you, economic hardship has drained our savings and compromised our earning power in recent years, leading me to believe that we’d never be able to get married, but then this summer, my parents very generously offered to foot the cost of our wedding, within reason of course. My fiance’s parents aren’t able to help out financially, which I totally understand, but it’s become apparent that they’re not willing to help out in other ways, either. For example, on the day of the wedding, I’m going to need help assembling the floral centerpieces and I’ll need someone to drop them off at the reception venue. I thought that this minor chore would be something his parents (at least his mother, who I have a good relationships with) would be happy to perform, but they’re not. They don’t want to help AT ALL. In fact, they’ve taken on the air of pompous VIP guests, and have really let the antiquated notion of the bride’s family being responsible for everything really go to their heads. I don’t know what to do at this point and my fiance is no help at all.
I also want to say “thank you” to my parents at some point during the reception, but am getting a lot of mixed opinions on whether this is an appropriate thing to do, as it could make my fiance’s parents feel bad. Should I care, when they’re clearly attending as “guests”?
Post # 2
Unfortunately, if they don’t want to help, there isn’t much you can do about it. Will they be hosting the rehersal dinner? I am guessing you will get various responses to thanking your parents, but personally I see nothing wrong with thanking them since they are so graciously hosting your wedding. You could include his parents in the thank you by saying something like, “Thank you to ——– for raising this wonderful man that I love and welcoming me into the family,” then go on to thank your parents.
Post # 3
Parents should be thanked for raising you, not so much to have attention of footing the bill. His parents do not have to help, it is not required however appreciated. Your Fiance should be helping though
Post # 4
Based on the wording of the invitation, people will know who is paying for the bill. If your parents are paying, traditionally, it would be worded as “Mr. and Mrs. Bride’s Parents invite you…” If FI’s parents are purposefully leaving all the costs and duties to you and your parents, they shouldn’t be offended when you thank your parents for their wedding help.
It would be reasonable to say “Thanks to FI’s parents for loving us, and thanks to my parents for their love and also for helping so much with the planning of this wedding.”
Post # 5
My fiance and I are actually paying for the rehearsal dinner ourselves. And now his mother is asking us to invite the parents of her other son’s girlfriend, so that her family looks good in the eyes of potential future in-laws! What about how you look in the eyes of ACTUAL future in-laws?! I’ll still thank my parents at the reception, but will do it tactfully. I have to thank them. It wouldn’t be right to omit this because it might be offensive to HIS parents. We’ll thank them, too.
Post # 6
Your future in-laws aren’t require to contribute money or labor to your wedding. And your guests do not care who pays.
Post # 7
seattlesally: No one owes you a wedding, financially or labour wise. I really hope you are not depending on family and friends to give and produce the wedding you feel entitled to yet can’t afford. Wedding related tasks shoukd be completed by the people whose wedding it is, friends/family who offer (not asked) assistance or paid employees. And you should be careful with offers of help too to make sure you are not taking advantage of a generous offer.
Post # 8
Given your situation, I think you’d be best to thank your parents for the financial support in a card and gift following the wedding. I’d hate for you to find your in-laws decide to take it as a jab if you did it at your reception! Even if it was their own decision, it could start you off on the wrong foot. I agree that you can thank your parents for raising you and thank them for raising him.
As others have pointed out, no one has to contribute. That said, it sure was nice to have my mother in law helping us make our centerpieces. It was a fun bonding time for our mothers and me. It was also wonderful to have my aunt and other help clean up at the reception so we could prepare for our ceremony (yes that’s backwards, but that’s how we roll!). Maybe they’d be more enthusiastic about helping if you can find something to do beforehand as a bond, rather than duties the day of. Not that you won’t still have to find someone willing to do the other part for you, of course.
Post # 9
I’m definitely not relying on anyone other than my mother and sister (who both want to be involved) to help pull off the wedding. Honestly, I’ve done 90% of the work up to now, which perhaps is why I’m annoyed at the fact that my in-laws are reluctant to help. Of course they’re not required to do so, but that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. Honestly, I think this behavior sets a bad precedent for the future, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now. It’s just disappointing that the same generosity we’ve shown them in the past isn’t being offered to us now. Will thank both sets of parents during the reception and do something special for mine later.
Post # 10
seattlesally: I’m sorry but now nip what in the bud? You expect them to volunteer to make your events a success? If you are an adult enough to get married you should be able to appreciate help given, not expect it from others
Post # 11
seattlesally: I don’t understand some of these responses. Fine, they aren’t obligated to help but it would obviously be appreciated. Therefore you are not obligated to thank them for anything. Your parents went above and beyond and if you want to honor them with some kind of thanks then do it. Your in laws have no grounds to be offended at that. If they take it as a jab that’s their problem.
Post # 12
seattlesally: “That doesn’t mean what they’re doing is OK. After all, it’s not just my wedding, but their precious son’s, too. … Honestly, I think this behavior sets a bad precedent for the future, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now.”
You’re really angry about this, as you’ve been dating/living with their son for 7 years presumably you know his parents somewhat? Are they against a “formal” wedding for some reason, money, something else? I can’t help but think theres much more to this story.
Post # 13
I would be annoyed too, especially if my future in-laws were adding people to the guest lists of various functions. They’re not obligated to help, but it’s common courtesy. I think you’ll just have to vent here and to friends, because they’re your family now.
Post # 14
seattlesally: Although I think the concept of you nipping their behavior in the bud is laughable, I think it is totally reasonable to ask for help to drop off some centerpieces at the reception.
I think focussing the whole first half of your thread on finances, and how your parents are helping and his aren’t, is extraneous, and is leading to the Bees’ reactions.
Money aside, I think it’s an easy thing for anyone who was asked to help with such a simple chore, not only to say yes, but also ask “Is there anything else we can do?”
I think there is more to this story that we don’t know. It just doesn’t seem a reasonable response if you have an otherwise good relationship.
Post # 15
I’m sorry OP that your in laws couldn’t help out with one task the day of the wedding. I’m also sorry you are getting so much heat for it on here, I truly don’t get it sometimes. It would be really helpful of them to offer to do things the day of for you. While its true that no one HAS to pay for anything for a wedding, it is nice when family offers to help in whatever way they can. It sucks they have taken an air of superiority. So sorry. Can you put the centerpieces together the day or night before and keep water in them for the flowers? Do you have another friend or relative who can take them & set them up the day of for you?
My husbands family didn’t offer much financial assistance for the wedding. His sister paid for some of the food for the rehearsal dinner and bought champagne for us all the day of the wedding. His mom and sister both asked frequently about what they could do to help set anything up, etc. We had a small ceremony & reception in a house so we didn’t need much set up . It was still nice that they offered.
Again, so sorry bee. I would definitely say that the guest list for the rehearsal dinner is capped, no more guests can be invited. They don’t get to invite people since they are not paying. Good luck, bee!