(Closed) Fiance's Parents Not Helping AT ALL

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Unfortunately, if they don’t want to help, there isn’t much you can do about it.  Will they be hosting the rehersal dinner?  I am guessing you will get various responses to thanking your parents, but personally I see nothing wrong with thanking them since they are so graciously hosting your wedding. You could include his parents in the thank you by saying something like, “Thank you to ——– for raising this wonderful man that I love and welcoming me into the family,” then go on to thank your parents.

Post # 3
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Parents should be thanked for raising you, not so much to have attention of footing the bill. His parents do not have to help, it is not required however appreciated. Your Fiance should be helping though

Post # 4
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Based on the wording of the invitation, people will know who is paying for the bill. If your parents are paying, traditionally, it would be worded as “Mr. and Mrs. Bride’s Parents invite you…” If FI’s parents are purposefully leaving all the costs and duties to you and your parents, they shouldn’t be offended when you thank your parents for their wedding help. 

It would be reasonable to say “Thanks to FI’s parents for loving us, and thanks to my parents for their love and also for helping so much with the planning of this wedding.”

Post # 6
Member
7432 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your future in-laws aren’t require to contribute money or labor to your wedding. And your guests do not care who pays.

Post # 7
Member
9034 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

seattlesally:  No one owes you a wedding, financially or labour wise. I really hope you are not depending on family and friends to give and produce the wedding you feel entitled to yet can’t afford. Wedding related tasks shoukd be completed by the people whose wedding it is, friends/family who offer (not asked) assistance or paid employees. And you should be careful with offers of help too to make sure you are not taking advantage of a generous offer.

 

Post # 8
Member
6724 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Given your situation, I think you’d be best to thank your parents for the financial support in a card and gift following the wedding.  I’d hate for you to find your in-laws decide to take it as a jab if you did it at your reception!  Even if it was their own decision, it could start you off on the wrong foot. I agree that you can thank your parents for raising you and thank them for raising him.  

As others have pointed out, no one has to contribute.  That said, it sure was nice to have my mother in law helping us make our centerpieces.  It was a fun bonding time for our mothers and me.  It was also wonderful to have my aunt and other help clean up at the reception so we could prepare for our ceremony (yes that’s backwards, but that’s how we roll!).  Maybe they’d be more enthusiastic about helping if you can find something to do beforehand as a bond, rather than duties the day of.  Not that you won’t still have to find someone willing to do the other part for you, of course.

Post # 10
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

seattlesally:  I’m sorry but now nip what in the bud? You expect them to volunteer to make your events a success? If you are an adult enough to get married you should be able to appreciate help given, not expect it from others

Post # 11
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

seattlesally:  I don’t understand some of these responses. Fine, they aren’t obligated to help but it would obviously be appreciated. Therefore you are not obligated to thank them for anything. Your parents went above and beyond and if you want to honor them with some kind of thanks then do it. Your in laws have no grounds to be offended at that. If they take it as a jab that’s their problem. 

Post # 12
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

seattlesally:  “That doesn’t mean what they’re doing is OK. After all, it’s not just my wedding, but their precious son’s, too. … Honestly, I think this behavior sets a bad precedent for the future, which is why I want to nip it in the bud now.”

You’re really angry about this, as you’ve been dating/living with their son for 7 years presumably you know his parents somewhat?   Are they against a “formal” wedding for some reason, money, something else? I can’t help but think theres much more to this story.

Post # 13
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

I would be annoyed too, especially if my future in-laws were adding people to the guest lists of various functions. They’re not obligated to help, but it’s common courtesy.  I think you’ll just have to vent here and to friends, because they’re your family now.

Post # 14
Member
47255 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

seattlesally:  Although I think the concept of you nipping their behavior in the bud  is laughable,  I think it is totally reasonable to ask for help to drop off some centerpieces at the reception.

I think focussing the whole first half of your thread on finances, and how your parents are helping and his aren’t, is extraneous, and is leading to the Bees’ reactions.

Money aside, I think it’s an easy thing for anyone who was asked to help with such a simple chore, not only to say yes, but also ask “Is there anything else we can do?”

I think there is more to this story that we don’t know. It just doesn’t seem a reasonable response if you have an otherwise good relationship.

Post # 15
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry OP that your in laws couldn’t help out with one task the day of the wedding. I’m also sorry you are getting so much heat for it on here, I truly don’t get it sometimes. It would be really helpful of them to offer to do things the day of for you. While its true that no one HAS to pay for anything for a wedding, it is nice when family offers to help in whatever way they can. It sucks they have taken an air of superiority. So sorry. Can you put the centerpieces together the day or night before and keep water in them for the flowers? Do you have another friend or relative who can take them & set them up the day of for you? 

My husbands family didn’t offer much financial assistance for the wedding. His sister paid for some of the food for the rehearsal dinner and bought champagne for us all the day of the wedding. His mom and sister both asked frequently about what they could do to help set anything up, etc. We had a small ceremony & reception in a house so we didn’t need much set up . It was still nice that they offered. 

Again, so sorry bee. I would definitely say that the guest list for the rehearsal dinner is capped, no more guests can be invited. They don’t get to invite people since they are not paying. Good luck, bee! 

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