(Closed) Fiances parents suck

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5448 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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doriejavis :  

We can’t really give any advice unless you elaborate on what makes them toxic and mean. You will be marrying into the family when you marry him so it’s a good idea to start establishing boundaries now, before marriage

Post # 3
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

While I don’t know you, right now you don’t exactly sound like such a peach yourself, to be fair.  Just shouting “they’re terrible!” doesn’t really seem productive or mature.  Maybe take a step back and think about the situation a little more in-depth.

Post # 4
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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doriejavis :  I feel for you, my Future Mother-In-Law is a nightmare also. she told my fiance that our wedding is in a inconvenient location, has told him she doesn’t trust him with money towards the wedding, and is just overly critical. I honestly am not a super emotional person but last week I broke down in tears about her with my own mom. I just play nice with her as best as I can and when the wedding is over she’ll see my true colors if she continues to be rude. 

Post # 5
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I stopped dating a guy because his family was terrible to me and he never stood up for me. You and your fiance are obviously on a different level of commitment. How is his relationship with his family? Sometimes you have to take the estranged route and GTFO so that you live a happier, peaceful life. A lot of bees here have done the same thing. It’s sad, but you are paying a high price of sanity to deal with these folks.

Post # 6
Member
2930 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

My in laws are assholes. Luckily, my husband hasn’t spoken to them in a year and a half, and probably never will again. 

How close is your fiancé to them? Maybe you’ll get lucky like I did 😆

Post # 7
Member
5123 posts
Bee Keeper

Without knowing the particulars, it’s very hard to say. I’m sure your FI’s parents see things differently. If he’s standing up for you that’s great.

Post # 8
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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doriejavis :  I think it’s manageable depending on the relationship you are expected to have with them, which is ultimately your fiancé’s call. If he wants weekly catch ups where you are expected to come, it will probably have a very negative impact on your well being. If you only have to suck it up at birthdays and Christmas etc, you can probably survive them. My close girlfriend had to move in with her toxic mother in law for 2 years and I honestly didn’t think her marriage would survive. It’s definitely a factor to consider when considering your relationship as a whole. I had a breaking point in my previous marriage when I realised I would hate if we’d had a child and it resembled my mother in law in any way. I realised I would hate for her to hold the baby, or influence his/her life at all. That was pretty awful for me to think that way, but it was hard to look past. The marriage broke down for other reasons, but it was a contributing factor. If you feel supported by your fiancé however, it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. 

Post # 9
Member
2946 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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doriejavis :  Google “DWIL Nation” and take their stories seriously. It stands for “dealing with in laws,” and that board has seen it all.

Post # 10
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

Hi, Bee! Without any particulars about your situation, it’s difficult to offer any true feedback. However, regardless of the details, it comes down to being honest with yourself about what you’d like to have and experience in a relationship. For example, I had a serious relationship with a man who’s mother wanted her future daughter in law to be like “the daughther she never had.” I wasn’t in a position to offer that because 1) I already have a mother and didn’t want/need another one, and 2) I barely had any time for my own mother (I was working, going to college, had a very long commute, etc). Hence, she constantly complained to my boyfriend about me and eventually convinced him to break up with me. I was devastated. That was the first time I realized just how “toxic” a boyfriend’s family can be and how much they can impact your own happiness. 

Fast forward to today, married, I feel as though I’ve known my in-laws my entire life- I’ve formed a wonderful and close friendship with them that developed naturally and almost instantly. They’re simply amazing. Now that I’ve experienced both, I know that it was a blessing in disguise that I  didn’t marry the other guy because I know I’d been stressed all the time about his mother not liking me. Now I know I couldn’t be with a man with I family who didn’t like me (or vice versa). 

Post # 11
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

I broke up with a guy also because his mom treated me like crap and he didn’t stand up for me.  Best decision I ever made.

Without knowing specifics, it’s hard to give advice.

Post # 12
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

It’s not his mother you need to worry about; it’s him. If he wants to see her every week and doesn’t defend you, you’re in serious trouble. If he’s willing to see her just three times a year for lunch in a restaurant and shut her down when she’s rude, you can probably deal with that. Whose side is he on? 

Post # 13
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s hard to sympathize here – they’re obviously thinking the same things about you, yet you’ve given us no information.  Have you even tried to have a good relationship with them?

Post # 14
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

I get it, in-law relationships can be very difficult. However, even if you hate your in-laws, you should try to be neutral for your fiancé’s sake. Even if they’re terrible, they’re still his family and he most likely loves them and has known them for his entire life. You don’t want to make him choose between you or them–that’s putting your Fiance in a diffcult position. If his family members really are toxic and he decides to cut ties with them, then so be it, but it’s unhealthy to make someone choose between their spouse or family. Even if you really hate the in-laws, try to focus instead on how much you love and respect your Fiance, and that because you love him SO much, you’ll be the bigger person with his family. That’s one way you can try to re-frame it. 

Post # 15
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2020

i don’t really know how to react to your situation since you’re not really giving us the information in details bee. there must be something that makes your F’s parents acted like that or that she felt that all her son’s attention has been shifted to you after the marriage and that’s why she felt hurt and treated you the way she is now

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