Fiance's parents won't contribute

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I find it very interesting that the thing you seem to be most upset about, and hence why it is the focus of the post’s title, is their lack of financial contribution.

Being annoyed by their complaints is valid. Feeling hurt that they don’t seem to be particularly excited about the wedding is understandable.

But them not paying for anything? That’s just… normal. Most couples pay for their own weddings these days. I genuinely don’t understand why you are hurt or upset by this. Especially since your parents are apparently paying for everything anyways, so it’s not like you’re being crushed by the weight of a wedding you can’t afford….

Post # 32
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I get you. I’d be annoyed too that they aren’t offering anything but complaints. 

But since they aren’t paying, tell them to shove their opinions where the sun don’t shine. 

Post # 33
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

Our friend daisy here is a one time poster. Seems totally legit.

Post # 34
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2000

This is what we did (many years ago, lol).  DH & I paid ourselves (my mom paid for my dress and his mom held a small rehearsal dinner at their house but we didn’t expect either and we’re very grateful).  Once we had our venue, we came up with our budget.  We did our list of guests first and allotted them so many people equally they could invite.  If they wanted to include additional people or extras in general that were ok with us, that was fine but they had to pay for them.  No mess, no fuss…worked out well.  So there was no complaining.  

 

Good luck & I hope you have have a great wedding!

Post # 35
Member
892 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It is your wedding and it is your responsibility to pay for it.  Anyone else offering to pay is just a bonus.  Don’t be so entitled.  

Post # 36
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - City, State

@daisybuchanan1918

Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby 🙂 Lovely touch there. Good luck on in-laws, just remember they are a package deal unless your Fiance cuts ties. Try talking to him about it.

Post # 37
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

“They have not offered to pay for anything whatsoever, including expenses they should traditionally assume”

I am shocked and appalled that they are not offering to spend their hard earned money on someone who has this attitude. Don’t they realize they should have been saving their entire lives for this moment?

Post # 38
Member
4102 posts
Honey bee

Clearly your fiance is marrying you because you fit right in with his family – he found himself a gal who reminds him of mom.  You and Mother-In-Law and SIL are probably having difficulty getting along because having three domineering people with entitlement issues who all want opposite things very rarely ends well.

So step one is get the chip off your shoulder and stop acting like you’re entitled to their money for your completely optional and not necessary to get married at all party.

Step 2 is stop engaging in wedding talk with them and if they start simply remind them that they have chosen not to host and therefore any wedding planning details are not up for discussion.

Post # 39
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Not sure where all these posters are getting the “older established couple” idea…you said nothing about your age. For all we know you could be early 20s.

At least in the US, it’s customary for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Unless there are significant financial issues, they should at least offer to pay for at least a little bit.

The cherry on top is that they have the gall to complain about the wedding (and its size) without chipping in any. That’s entitled…not you.

But I agree that it’s your fiancesf job to deal with this.

Post # 40
Member
6008 posts
Bee Keeper

whitecollarbee :  At least in the US, it’s customary for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. 

That hasn’t been “customary” for a long time and when it was they were much simpler affairs than they are now unless the parents were wealthy. It’s an antiquated tradition based upon the notion that a woman becomes her husband’s financial responsibility.

Most couples today, even in their 20s, pay for or contribute significantly to the cost of their weddings. It’s great when parents can and want to contribute to their children’s weddings. I hope to, when my children are older and ready to take that step. But to expect it? Or worse, demand it? Poor form. 

Post # 41
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

whitecollarbee :  

At least in the US, it’s customary for the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

I’m in Canada and maybe it’s different here, but I literally don’t know a single person where this has happened or where it was expected.

Post # 42
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

beethree :  I don’t think she’s demanding it. I think she feels put in a spot because her parents are putting up a lot of money and her FI’s parents are making demands on the event without offering to contribute. And yes it is traditional/customary. You can disagree with it but it doesn’t change that this is the traditional (you can read old if you want) way that things are done. Furthermore OP isn’t having an extravagant wedding.

blushingbee2019 :  Not sure what to tell you. It’s uncommon in my experience (Northeast and Southeast) for the parents not to contribute anything.

Post # 43
Member
11465 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

whitecollarbee :  What I meant by “older” is I assume today’s couples are employed and financially independent of their parents, not being married off as teenagers from their parents’ home. 

Post # 44
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  Most people I know in their early 20s don’t have a spare $10-$15k for a wedding.

“Have the wedding you can afford” – yes, but often (I find) parents would rather chip in and have a regular wedding than let the kids foot the bill, and they just go to the courthouse. My circles are mostly religious, so courthouse weddings are uncommon.

I also find it interesting how invitations typically say “together with their families”. This, to me, implies that *both* the couple *and* their families (plural) are jointly hosting the wedding. 

Post # 45
Member
8646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

whitecollarbee :  Do you think OP should let her in-laws check for blood on the bedsheets after their wedding night? That’s traditional after all. Or do you only support certain traditions? 

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