Fiance's parents won't contribute

posted 8 months ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
3410 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

When you choose to throw a party, no one is expected to pay for it except for you.

Post # 47
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

 Daisy_Mae :  🙄 And I’m guessing you didn’t have/as strongly disapprove of white dresses, proposals/e-rings, bridal bouquets (because we bathe daily now)…

While we’re at it I’ve never heard of the ILs doing that, but whatever.

Sentiment still stands…weddings are two families coming together. If the wedding is to be jointly hosted, they should offer to contribute at least a bit (barring serious financial hardship). Jmho. Don’t like it, move along.

Post # 48
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

You’re and adult, you want to get married, you pay for it. 

Post # 49
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Did you ask your in-laws what they thought about a small wedding before you planned it? Or, did you tell them why the plans were and that was that? 

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to not “ge their approval” but maybe they have felt left out of the wedding planning. If they aren’t planning it with you, they aren’t really a host, and I don’t think they’d like to pay for it. Especially if they are upset with some elements of the wedding. 

Its kind of like how everyone on this board says that if some in-law insists on more guests, you make them pay for it, because it’s what THEY want. So if you want a small wedding and the in-laws are pissed off about it, that’s on you to pay for what you want.

not sure if this is the situation you’re in, but I am going through something similar with my brothers wedding! It’s tough for sure. I know it would be nice for everyone to be excited for your wedding. Hang in there and just focus on how great it will be to be married to your best friend!

Post # 50
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

As others have said, they are under no obligation to pay for your wedding but neither are you under any obligation to listen to their complaints about a wedding they’re not contributing to.  Shut that shirt down immediately.   Let them.know that you’re planning the wedding you can both afford and if that’s not good enough for them then you’ll give them your bank details where they can wire money.  

Post # 51
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think you’re being entitled like the majority of bees are implying. I think you’re really indignant that they have the nerve to open their mouths and bitch about something that they didn’t pay for. It’s really quite rude of them, if you ask me. I’d be venting along the lines of “They should have payed if they wanted it a certain way.” as well. 

I’m 100% no pay NO say. Period. 

Post # 52
Member
8820 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

whitecollarbee :  I’m not the one saying someone else should pay for my party because “tradition”. Anyone can choose to follow whatever traditions they want, but you can’t get pissy because other people aren’t following the traditions that you find valuable. If you like the tradition that the grooms parents pay for liquor and flowers, they way to observe that is if you have a son who has a wedding, you offer to pay for the liquor and flowers. You don’t get to say someone else should pay for stuff at your wedding because you like this tradition.

Post # 53
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Everyone is being a bit harsh here. Parents are obviously under no obligation to pay for your wedding if they don’t want to, but it’s not totally abnormal for parents to at least contribute as the OP’s parents are. It’s possible that she belongs to a culture where this is normal (SO and I are British Indian and our parents actively want to pay for most of our wedding even though we are financially independent adults).

This is a conversation you should have had before you started planning. If you expected them to contribute to the cost, you should have made that clear earlier, rather than getting upset about it now. Either way though, they should not be making snarky comments and I can understand why that would be very upsetting. What does your FH have to say about all this?

Post # 54
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

Your very first post! Wow!  Welcome aboard!  If you’re still with us and you’re reading this, I have only one thing to say.  Good luck with your in-laws.  Good luck with your situation and good luck with your marriage!

Post # 55
Member
11983 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

whitecollarbee :  It doesn’t matter what the people you know do. Hopefully, they are all doing it because they want to and it’s something they can EASILY afford. Daisy_Mae :  has it right. If you enjoy those traditions, then take part in them when it’s your turn. 

By the way, parents paying happens to be pretty common in my circles and family, too. And I actually strongly agree with you that many young couples are in no position to spend a lot or in fact, anything. But that still doesn’t obligate their parents in any way.

There are alternatives even for a religious couple, for example a justice of the peace followed by delayed religious service, a religious ceremony public or private followed by a simple cake and punch or home reception, etc. 

No one is entitled to an expensive wedding. They just aren’t. 

Post # 56
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

What you really need here is for your fiancé to stand up to his parents right now. He needs to call up his parents and say, “ the rude comments about our wedding stop now. I don’t want to hear again that you spoke to my fiancés mom about all the things you didn’t like about our wedding again. You and dad aren’t financially contributing to this event whatsoever so anymore negative comments are inappropriate. Any negative comments are to be kept to yourselves end of story. Do we understand each other?”  

Its your fiancés job to handle his parents. If he can’t or won’t do that, THEN I would seriously consider marrying someone who has no interest in your feelings and happiness and cares more about his parents feelings. That’s a no go. 

Post # 57
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Goodness! I think all of these comments are a little harsh, I didn’t get the sense that you thought that you were entitled to their money at all. I get where you’re coming from and I’d be frustrated too that they are making you miserable with their comments but I agree with a PP this isn’t about the money and you’re projecting your dislike of them on this particular issue. Next time they complain you can tell them “this is the wedding we planned with the funds we have, if you want it to be a certain way you could have contributed”

Post # 58
Member
11983 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

katecod12 : I am sympathetic to the fact that the future in laws are actually complaining about the size of the guest list, despite not offering to be involved. But OP definitely felt entitled. 

They have not offered to pay for anything whatsoever, including expenses they should traditionally assume, like the rehearsal dinner and flowers.”

By the way OP, if you want to talk traditional etiquette, the cost of floral decorations was always the responsibility of the bride and her family. 

On topic, and note this was written almost 13 years ago no less:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-2006-08-31-0608310180-story,amp.html

Post # 59
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

weddingmaven :  that is how you interpreted it, I obviously felt different.

Post # 60
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Well I mean, you and Tom are loaded enough that you should be able to pay for your own wedding, no? Maybe you can ask Gatsby for help if your in-laws won’t contribute. 

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