Post # 61
daisybuchanan1918 : There is no obligation for anybody to pay for your wedding. In fact where I live, you’ve mostly got to pay for it all yourself or take a loan.
However, your mother-in-law has no right to pass judgement or comment on the size and quality of the wedding when she isn’t contributing. If she wanted something different then she should have helped more. As well as, it is you and your fiancé wedding. You should be able to have it however you want it. Don’t like it, don’t come.
Post # 62
weddingmaven : Again, I don’t see where you or other posters are getting the idea that OP is having an “expensive” wedding. By the sounds of it, it’s actually going to be fairly small/modest (which her ILs have the gall to complain about!!)
It doesn’t sound like this is about OP wanting a huge wedding and demanding others pay for it. It sounds like she is seeing this situation as an indicator of how her ILs view generosity, entitlement, etiquette… the list goes on. What she’s feeling isn’t unreasonable at all.
Post # 63
Thanks everyone for your input. It has helped me to do some self-reflecting. Like some of the responders said, my frustration is with the fact that we are having a modest wedding because that is what makes financial sense for us. My in-laws want a large wedding, but don’t want to contribute to that. I have always been perfectly content and happy with what we’re doing, so it hurts when they take what feels like every opportunity to make a snide remark. It angers me when my mother-in-law complains about the size of the wedding to my parents, who ARE generous enough to help. To me, complaining to them – when they are the ones footing the bill – is disrespectful and rude.
I guess I need to spend some more time thinking about the kindest way to talk with my FH about this. We have spoken about it multiple times before, but he unfortunately doesn’t seem to want to talk with his mother and sister about their behavior (his attitude is more “if I ignore it, it will go away.”) The problem is that it doesn’t go away – it actually seems to get worse with time. It has gotten to the point where I feel nothing but dread about my wedding day because I expect them to say nasty things to try to ruin it for me. Christmas, for instance, was kind of a disaster. They are all fluent in French, whereas my FH and I are not. They told us on Christmas that they plan to only speak French on our wedding day so we can’t understand what they’re saying. That may sound like a joke, but if you knew them . . . you’d know it isn’t.
I understand that my original post was more about the finances, and that I didn’t adequately explain this. Thanks to those of you who picked up on the fact that there are some deeper issues brewing below the surface.
Post # 64
daisybuchanan1918 : your FH is burying his head in the sand and these issues need to be addressed before you get married or you’re going to have bigger problems on your hands.
Try DWIL nation or JustnoMil – they’ll give you great advise. Overbearing MILs on the what to expect forums is pretty good too.
Post # 65
“…they told us on Christmas that they plan to only speak French on our wedding day so we can’t understand what they’re saying”
On another thread I saw someone advise an OP to say “if you think that’s best…..” to every threat of this type. I think that’s perfect ! Practice saying it with a ‘concerned’ face and then instantly change the subject .
Post # 66
Just be up front with your fiance. Tell him you would like him to talk to his family about this because it’s making you frustrated and resenting the process for the wedding. Does it not bother him? You will be dealing with this for the rest of your life, make sure you have a partner that is willing to stand up for you. You’ve waited for your fiance’s way to work and if it hasn’t then ask him to try it your way.
If you mother in law makes comments about how small your wedding is, then just simply say – yeah it is a little small but we want it that way, plus that’s what we can afford. And if she continues saying rude remarks then reply honestly but kindly.
Post # 67
whitecollarbee : If someone’s very first comment and complaint is that her future in laws are not fulfilling their traditional responsibility to pay for a portion of her wedding, I think most people would come to the conclusion that the wedding costs more than the couple is able or willing to pay for by themselves.
It is certainly annoying that the in laws think they have a right to complain about the size of the wedding, but we also don’t know how or where the OP and her parents cut off the list or if it’s consistent. In any case these are separate issues.
OP now says she misspoke.
Post # 68
weddingmaven : The list is equal. The in-laws have the same number of guests my parents do.
Post # 69
daisybuchanan1918 : forget all the jerks telling you you’re being a brat. Yes, you shouldn’t expect them to pay for anything BUT it seems like your fiancés family is being rude overall. While it would be nice if they paid for the rehearsal dinner, they don’t have to so you should just let it go. You’re going to have to deal with these people for the foreseeable future so don’t do anything they can legitimately hold against you later. Be patient, weddings are a time of stress for both families. Don’t say or do anything you’ll regret.
Post # 70
Glad you cleared things up bee as the original post did come off in exactly the wrong way. We all get our little lessons in learning to better communicate.
So here’s a few things…
1. You have every right to not subject yourself to that kind of behavior without feeling a lick of guilt. Rude & obnoxious people don’t get guilt from me. So remove yourself from their presence if necessary. Yes you’ll be uncomfortable but you are taking a stand about being treated with respect.
2. You need to make clear to Fiance not only how their behavior makes you feel but that you will not ignore unnacceptable behavior. Just because he’s used to it doesn’t mean he has a right to expect you to become used to it. This behavior goes beyond the wedding and so you need to stand up for yourself bee. Would you subject any possible children to such hateful people?
3. I don’t see proof that he has your back. You will be his wife and therefore the priority in his life. If he’s going to allow you to be disrespected, why marry him? Its clear that you are disappointed in his response so far so you need communicate this to him…the disappointment, disrespect…all of it.
4. You and he are going to need to set boundaries. If bad behavior continues there needs to be a consequence and it should to be enforced. You and Fiance need to be on the same page about this so if possible, couples counseling may be needed…..before the wedding. He needs to accept that unnacceptable behavior should not be blown off as it only encourages more bad behavior.
Put his feet to the fire about this bee cause this behavior isn’t going to go away and may only get worse. Good luck
Post # 71
You’re very lucky that your parents can help out. Have your fiance speak with his parents. Open communication is very important for both sides during this wedding planning process so there’s no misunderstanding or unnecessary frustration.
Post # 72
rheedic : They are if they have opinions about the wedding. If they’re not putting up any money for the wedding, they need to zip it.