Post # 1
I have to vent- i have no idea what to do as my fiance and I found out today that his parents are not coming to our wedding in Dominican. I’m Canadian born and my Fiance is Polish born and moved to Canada when he was young. His parents are so against a beach wedding that today we had a huge argument about our wedding and how it’s not real because it’s not Catholic and not in a church. I’m sorry but last i checked aren’t Christians supposed to NOT JUDGE. This is why religion causes so many issues. How can his mother avoid our wedding because it’s not being held in a church. We have even offered to pay for both of his parents to go to the wedding. All expenses paid vacation to a 5 star resort in Dominican and they still refuse.
We have had so many issues with his mother before. She already doesn’t like me because I’m not Polish and blames me for basically corrupting her son into being Westernized. She said it to my face today. I wasn’t shocked but more amazed that she finally said what i knew she thought for all these years.
We have now contacted a therapist to get us through this period because the stress of this family conflict has gone way too far.
Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Please give me some tips on how to cope with this in-law issue.
Post # 3
1. There is no where in the bible that says Christians shouldn’t judge. No where at all. In fact, I can point you to a bunch of scriptures where the bible suggests you should judge.,..
but that’s neither here nor there…
Your FI’s parents are obviously staunchly religious Catholics that believe in a Catholic wedding inside of a Catholic church. They are just as entitled to their opinion of what makes a wedding as you are entitled to your opinion on what makes a wedding. They don’t want to go to the beach and they’re like OLD, so they don’t have to go. They’re old enough to decide where they want to vacation. The wedding is about you and your Fiance, not about everyone going to a 5 star resort. They’re obviously not as impressed about the resort as you are. That’s alright.
So, if you want to go have a wedding in the Dominican Republic, go for it. Have a good time and go celebrate with those who are willing to make the trip. Ultimately, your Fiance is going to have to decide if he’s willing to have that kind of relationship with his parents when they don’t consider you married. Thankfully, they aren’t the end all be all. Go get married.
Post # 4
@DJones69: +1. All of it.
Just because they are Christians, it doesn’t mean they always have to happily agree with everything. They have the right to beilieve certain things about marriage. Did your SO have no idea they would be opposed to the to church thing?
Post # 5
“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said to them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”
? maybe this verse? who knows.
Post # 6
I have a lot of friends who are Polish or other Eastern European cultures. Things like weddings are huge deals for them. Where I’m from, a 1,000+ person wedding is not uncommon. I understand his parents’ reaction, although that doesn’t mean I agree with it.
I agree with the other posters that you should get married wherever you want. However if you are not ever going to embrace this culture, you are looking for a rocky time. His mother and you are going to have to learn how to respect each other. I think the therapist is a very good idea because this is about more than just a wedding.
Post # 7
Judge not, that you be not judged
I’m not super religious, just saying…
Post # 8
@NonParloItaliano: It’s obvious you’re not super religious because if you were, you’d realize the scripture says judge not LEST you be judged. Gotta read the whole sentence. Go find some good biblical notes and you’ll understand the meaning.
Translation: Don’t judge unless you want to be judged by that same measure. Doesn’t say don’t judge, it says don’t unless you want it done to you.
And how’d you end it??? Just sayin…
Post # 9
You just said “Don’t judge…” then you went on to say doesn’t say don’t judge.
You’re confusing me! lol There are actually a lot of different ways to read it and interoperate it, but this isn’t biblebee so I’m not going to get into it.
The OP was looking for a little sympathy, which she deserves and you were a little harsh and not very empathetic. I think you need to calm down sweetie, you seem a little worked up and it’s not that serious!
Post # 10
You can get married in a catholic church in the Dominican instead of at the resort. Why don’t you look into doing that? If that’s the real issue (which it may not be) then this should resolve it.
Post # 11
@NonParloItaliano: You’re the one that came on here with the smarty pants comment…. all I’m saying is that when you decide you want to be a smarty pants, actually know what you’re talking about.
And in fact, I never said don’t judge. In fact, I’ve said there is no where that says don’t judge, which means that it’s OK to judge. You’ve confused yourself. That had absolutely nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. Sweetie
Post # 12
OP – I’m not Catholic, but I married into a Catholic family. Marriage is one of the Sacraments. It’s not just a ceremony or a wedding, it is a sacrament. If the wedding isn’t held within the confines of the Church, the marriage is not valid in the eyes of the Church. This is (most likely) why his mother is so upset about your wedding. She is seeing her son forsaking the Sacrament of Marriage and not being in good standing with the Catholic Church. That is no small deal for her. I’m not saying you guys shouldn’t have a Destination Wedding, I’m just saying that if you look at it through her eyes, it may help you come up with a solution.
That being said, we did not marry in the Church and my husband hasn’t practiced Catholicism in decades and his very Catholic mom was awesome about our wedding.
What does your oh-so-Westernized Fiance have to say about all this? Kudos to you guys for heading into counseling. Since there is a lot of history of Future Mother-In-Law not liking you, this is a wonderful way to find your common ground and how to stand together in this. It will also help you to be a great support to your Darling Husband after the wedding.
Post # 13
@DJones69: let he without sin cast the first stone, love your brother as you love yourself..I’m sure there are more but that’s what immediately pops into mind. Not interested in arguing, but I definitely don’t agree with that statement! That said i agree with everything else you said.
OP: I’d suggest writing a very nice letter to your inlaws explaining that you love their son and can’t wait to be his bride and that you truly hope they will reconsider, however these are the plans you have decided to move forward with and you hope one day they will come to bless your union (something like that haha)! That way you are being polite and firm, but still leaving the door open for them to come around, because my bet is they will when you guys start having their grandchildren. Writing a letter allows you to get your feelings out without interruption or running the risk of them cutting you off and refusing to listen.
Post # 14
@weddingnerd: good letter, however, it should be her Fiance writing it. He needs to deal with his parents. That would go a long way in settling this. PS Why not a priest’s blessing in the church after you get back from your DW? Your Fiance could ask his local parish about this.
Post # 15
1. There is no where in the bible that says Christians shouldn’t judge. No where at all.
Matthew 7:1-“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;
James 4:11-12 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
Ephesians 4:29Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Post # 16
my parents are very catholic… and are pretty against us thinking about having a destination wedding, but you know what? if we are paying for our wedding, and if this is what makes us happy, in the end it is our decision.
it doesn’t or shouldn’t make us any less catholic if we decide to not get married in a church. this may sound silly, but even by getting married in a catholic church that we’re not parishoners of, the cost to have a ceremony in a church is about $1000… so that has some decision into us deciding to not getting married in a church.
do what you want and makes you happy if you are paying for your wedding!