Post # 1
I have a bit of a dilemma…. my fiance has 2 sisters to which he’s very close to (both of which are married). One of his sisters has always treated me better than the other– although I’m not particularly close to either. Naturally, when we got engaged and started planning who our attendants would be, I felt more warm and fuzzy about asking one sister vs the other. I’ve been reading articles and most of them say I’m not “obligated” to ask them to be a part of the wedding party, but my fiance is asking both of his sisters’ husbands to be his groomsmen (this is a very tight-knit family). This puts me in a questionable spot because I don’t want to cause any problems or tension within the family, but I really don’t want to have one of his sisters as a Bridesmaid or Best Man (when in all actuality, she’s not particularly fond of me anyway– which hurts my feelings and makes me not want her to be so “involved” in my wedding). So right now, my options are to either include them both as BMs or have them both do readings…. I honest just want to have my best girl friends standing up there for me. In your opinions and/or experiences, would it cause more damage in the long-run if I didn’t ask them? He said it would be ok if I didn’t include them… but I just sense there will be whisperings from my in-laws if I don’t….<br /><br />Side note: my fiance was an usher in one sister’s wedding and a groomsman in the other… I don’t have any siblings that I would want him to include as Groomsmen. If I don’t include his sisters, I’ll have 4 BMs and he’ll have 6 GMs. So I almost feel like for the sake of making it even, people will expect me to include them. Ugh.
Post # 2
You are not obligated to include them and it does not necessarily improve your future relationship with your ILs, in fact sometimes it damages it. But your fiancé probably should not have asked their husbands to be groomsmen in that case.
Post # 3
I would have them do readings or have some small role so they are still included. As long as you are only having your nearest and dearest as you bm and not like 10 bm i think they will understand
Post # 4
They could jointly do a reading. I didn’t even ask any of my own sisters to be BM’s. There were 5 of them. If I asked one, I might have had to ask them all.
Post # 5
I included my husband’s sister and she tried to ruin my wedding and was incredibly difficult. If I had known how she would behave, I wouldnt have given two shits about not asking her to be in the wedding. She has essentially ruined her relationship with me, my husband and most of the cousins in the family (who are all on my side). We also had a fine relationshp before the wedding.
If I were you, I’d ask them both to do a reading.
Post # 6
I am not having any bridesmaids (FI isn’t having groomsmen either) but if I were in your position I would in luxe them. It’s never a good idea to start out on a bad note with the in-laws. You’ll still get to include your 4 beasties, I can’t see what harm it will be to include the sisters.
Post # 7
I agree that they should do readings — that way they’re included without actually being Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I have two sisters (real, biological sisters) that I am not having as Bridesmaid or Best Man because I’m not that close to them — they are best friends with each other, but they are both much older than I am (I came along 5+ years after them). But I do feel closer to my middle sister than my oldest sister, and if I could get away with it, I would just ask my middle sister to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but not my oldest sister. But when I ran this idea by my Dad, he said no, that I need to go with either both or neither (he is fine if I choose neither because everyone, including my sisters, understands that I’m closer to my BFFs than I am to them). So I will ask them to do reading instead. I think it is a good alternative.
Post # 8
If he has 6 and you have 4 I think it’s going to be a slap in the face to not ask them. If it meant leaving out your friends I would say no, but since that’s not the case I would just ask them if it was me. I don’t think you’re obligated, though.
Post # 9
I would strongly advise against having either of them as a bridesmaid. Readings maybe.
Post # 10
I would include them. It’d be a really nice gesture since they are such a close family. You definitely don’t have to but I think it would help foster good relations. Remembe, just because they are BMs doesn’t mean they have to be super involved. If you don’t want to include them in things like wedding dress shopping or DIY nights you don’t have to.
Post # 11
I think you should include them. If it is important to your fiancé and his parents, I would just do it. Although you might not be close with one of them now, she’s about to be your sister in law and maybe this would improve your relationship with her. I’m in a similar situation. My fiancé has two sisters. I’m kind of close to one of them and always planned to include her as a bridesmaid. The other is 6+ years younger than me and we rarely talk. It’s important to my fiancé that they’re bridesmaids and REALLY important to his mother that they are included. It’s a simple compromise that will make the family you’re marrying into happy!
Post # 12
I know you said it’s a tight-knit family but actually how close is he to his BILs? Is he asking them out of obligation or does he actually really want them to be in the bridal party? My OH’s family is very tight-knit. We see each other multiple times a week, we have family night every second Monday, when we’re planning dinner somewhere, we always factor in everyone including partners – we’re all like good friends rather than family. It would be assumed that I would ask his brother’s girlfriend to be a bridesmaid however although we are all very close as a group, I’m actually not that close personally to her in particular. If he’s not really that close to them then perhaps it will be easier if he doesn’t ask them.
Post # 13
It’s a tricky one, huh! I did ask my FIs sister to be a bridesmaid and it turned out well. There were a few little annoyances along the way, but nothing SUPER terrible (and on the day she was wonderful).
However, I would suggest that you keep in mind the things that your bridesmaids may need to do. For example, (1) agreeing on a bridesmaid dress; (2) working together organise a hens party / bridal shower (if you’re having one); (3) being present and helpful/calm/not annoying the sh*t out of you on the morning of your wedding (which tbh I found very, very stressful and emotional).
I thought about those things and chose bridesmaids who I was close to, but also whom I thought would not cause too much drama/stress throughout the wedding planning process and on the wedding day. Your wedding is about your families, but it’s about you as a couple too – and you need to be comfortable and happy on the day.
I personally don’t think it’s rude not to ask your FIs sisters to be BMs (although I wouldn’t ask one and not the other – I would just ask neither of them) and I think it’s lovely to ask them to do a reading or to be involved in some other way.
I also know that it can be difficult to “rock the boat” or do something unexpected (like have 4BMs to 6GMs). But after my wedding I came to realise that, although people have overwhelming opinions in the moment (and are SO happy to offer them to you unasked), people don’t actually care so much on the day and you will be happier knowing that you’ve made the best decision for you.
Good luck! I hope you feel happy and comfortable with your decision 🙂
Post # 14
I think the fact your Fiance is having the BILs as GMs, and the 6 vs 4 thing really makes it hard – it will be so obvious you excluded them. Is your Fiance really close with the BILs? If not, I’d ask him if he’d mind just sticking to 4 like you and give them (and the sisters) other roles. If he is close and really wants them, then I’d suck it up and ask the sisters to be BMs.
Post # 15
If you ask her, I suggest looking at it this way: She may not be a big part of your life now, but she may be so in the future. Your going to be family, your children will be family and it will make things much less awkward involving her than leaving her out.