(Closed) Fiance's son held hostage for Wedding

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

your fiance needs to be the one to deal with her, i definitely think you’re right on that one. It’s bizarre he’s trying to pass the buck to you.  Does he not realize how inappropriate that is?  How that will set you two up to hate each other from the start?  Does he not care?  

It’d be more appropriate of him to ask his mother to talk to her (since she’d be the one caregiving on the day of) than to ask you–but even then it really ought to be him!

Maybe tell him that you’re not going to butt in on their disputes over how to care for/raise their son when you’re married so you have no intention in starting now.  

Post # 3
569 posts
Busy bee


1) what’s the custody breakdown? 50/50? 70/30? does the kid stay over nights?

2) Do you have a custody calendar? Did you get these wedding custody dates in writing and approved by her? Especially since its not your weekend? 

3) hopefully, the kid is used to being with you guys more than one day at a time. 

4) NOT A CHANCE IN HELL WOULD I LET AN EX-WIFE AT MY WEDDING. sorry, I’m not as awesome as Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, I would be upset if she didn’t let the kid be with us.

IDK what kind of relationship you have with the ex-wife, BUT, this is something Fiance has to put his big boy pants on and handle. REALLY? REALLY? He’s going to put it on YOU to work with HIS EX-WIFE to have HIS SON at YOUR WEDDING?? I’m sorry but WTF?!! really? if his kid isn’t worth the possible argument he obviously wants to avoid, to be at the wedding, that speaks volumes. I get not wanting to get into an argument, but sometimes you have to stand your ground.

At this point, I’d call both their bluffs. you want the kid there, but make it clear she is not welcomed, and you will toss her butt out if she shows up. and if he wants his kid there he needs to handle it.

Disclaimer: Fiance and I wanted thought about getting married in Baja, CA but the Ex hasn’t let us take the kid over because its so dangerous. yes, your blondie is going to get kidnapped amongst 200+ family strong events, ok whatever. we just avoided the baja idea because we didn’t want the possibility of this kind of BS happening. 


Post # 4
1270 posts
Bumble bee

Consider it an opportunity to rub it in her face, since she is being difficult and her reasoning is basically BS. Also, assign people to watch her in case she is the vengeful type to try and sabotage your day.

Post # 5
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Your FI’s behavior would be enough to give me major cause for concern. He’s telling YOU to tell her you don’t want her there whaaat?! That is crazy. He needs to be the one to handle issues with her. Explain to him that you have no place in their issues, just like she has no place at your wedding. He needs to grow up and handle his own problems instead of trying to get you to do it. Does he often put her wishes before yours?

Post # 6
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

To bring a bit of balance to the reply above: I can’t imagine marrying a man and becoming a step-mother if I didn’t have a relationship with that child’s mother that was stable and mature enough for me to invite her to the wedding, barring extraordinary circumstances of abuse or mental illness. 

Post # 7
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Your Fiance is out of line. He needs to deal with her, not you. I don’t care how good the relationship is with an ex, even if there is a child, you are entitled to your happy day without his ex wife there. I can’t even believe anyone is suggesting otherwise. It’s your wedding day, not some family get together or birthday party for the child where it might be understandable. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to have her there if you don’t want her there. Good grief.

Post # 8
927 posts
Busy bee

You will be so busy the entire day, that her prescence at the wedding will probably not even be noticeable to you. I would allow it so my Fiance could have his son there if that is what it took. Given your Fiance should be the one to reach out to his ex and try to resolve the issue at hand first to see if he can get his son without her being there, but if not, just remember, you are marrying him, she isnt. He chose you and regardless it will be an amazingly special day for the two of you.

Post # 10
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
spontoise :  This was my feedback as well. The child is still very young, too, and lots of decisions are yet to be made about his life that will involve a lot of co-parenting. Like it or not OP, this woman is not just his ex, she’s his child’s mother.

Post # 12
3434 posts
Sugar bee

Why didn’t you schedule the wedding for a weekend you guys have the kid, to avoid all of this? 

Post # 14
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

I’m wondering why she even wants to go?? Surely it would be painful for her?? 

She might have underlying fears about you replacing her as both this man’s partner and also her son’s mother. A guess a step mum figure would be pretty threatening to someone whose whole life is probably this kid. 

Its your FI’s job to talk to her. I agree it is not appropriate for his ex to go. 

Post # 15
3434 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
annamarie92 :  That’s a bummer!  I’m with the other Bees who think your fiance should handle this. But I will say I don’t even really remember all of the guests who attended our wedding 2 years ago because the day was so busy. Granted, I wasn’t on the look out for an ex. But, if it means having his son at the wedding, you may not have a choice.

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