Post # 1
Member
31 posts
Newbee
Hi bees,
Today I find myself in a very troubling situation. My fiance’ and I are getting married in less than 2 months, and his 3 year old son is all lined up to be our ring bearer. Or so we thought. Today my fiance’ received a text message from his ex inquiring about the dates that their son needed to be in town for the rehearsal, wedding, etc. (They live an hour away) Because she was going to take vacation time and come to town for the weekend. This left us confused, because we were just planning on picking his son up Friday for rehearsal and then have her pick him up after the wedding. So we inquire further on what her plans are, as we were not planning on her attending any of the wedding functions, since wel she’s the ex after all and it’s just weird. Come to find out, that she is not allowing their son to be in our wedding if she is not there with him to take care of him. Granted, it is technically HER weekend, but we forfeit weekends to her all the time for various reasons and activities. You would think that she would understand that I would not be comfortable having my fiance’s ex at our festivities. My soon to be mother-inlaw is more than willing to help take care of him, as well as many of his aunts and uncles, but apparently that is not good enough for her. My fiance’ wants me to just invite her to the wedding and be done with it, but truthfully the idea of it makes me sick. This is supposed to be the best day of my life, and having her there would ruin so much of it for me. He said that I need to talk to her if I don’t want her there, but I don’t feel like that is my place either. I am always going to be the enemy to her, the replacement. She has no reason to cooperate with me, and frankly I feel like my fiance’ should be advocating for me in this situation instead of just dumping it all in my lap. I really don’t want to miss out on having my fiance’s son there, since this is an important day for him too, but I really can’t stand the idea of his ex there. I don’t know if she would really follow through with not allowing their son to come, if my fiance’ actually stood up to her, but I can’t be certain. But my thought is that if she doesn’t allow him to come be in his daddy’s wedding, thats on her. If my fiance’ makes me invite her and partly ruin the wedding for me, that’s on him. I appreciate any insight you all can give. Nothing seems like the good answer here. Thanks
Post # 2
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
your fiance needs to be the one to deal with her, i definitely think you’re right on that one. It’s bizarre he’s trying to pass the buck to you. Does he not realize how inappropriate that is? How that will set you two up to hate each other from the start? Does he not care?
It’d be more appropriate of him to ask his mother to talk to her (since she’d be the one caregiving on the day of) than to ask you–but even then it really ought to be him!
Maybe tell him that you’re not going to butt in on their disputes over how to care for/raise their son when you’re married so you have no intention in starting now.
Post # 3
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
WAIT. A DAMN MINUTE.
1) what’s the custody breakdown? 50/50? 70/30? does the kid stay over nights?
2) Do you have a custody calendar? Did you get these wedding custody dates in writing and approved by her? Especially since its not your weekend?
3) hopefully, the kid is used to being with you guys more than one day at a time.
4) NOT A CHANCE IN HELL WOULD I LET AN EX-WIFE AT MY WEDDING. sorry, I’m not as awesome as Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, I would be upset if she didn’t let the kid be with us.
IDK what kind of relationship you have with the ex-wife, BUT, this is something Fiance has to put his big boy pants on and handle. REALLY? REALLY? He’s going to put it on YOU to work with HIS EX-WIFE to have HIS SON at YOUR WEDDING?? I’m sorry but WTF?!! really? if his kid isn’t worth the possible argument he obviously wants to avoid, to be at the wedding, that speaks volumes. I get not wanting to get into an argument, but sometimes you have to stand your ground.
At this point, I’d call both their bluffs. you want the kid there, but make it clear she is not welcomed, and you will toss her butt out if she shows up. and if he wants his kid there he needs to handle it.
Disclaimer: Fiance and I wanted thought about getting married in Baja, CA but the Ex hasn’t let us take the kid over because its so dangerous. yes, your blondie is going to get kidnapped amongst 200+ family strong events, ok whatever. we just avoided the baja idea because we didn’t want the possibility of this kind of BS happening.
Post # 4
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee
Consider it an opportunity to rub it in her face, since she is being difficult and her reasoning is basically BS. Also, assign people to watch her in case she is the vengeful type to try and sabotage your day.
Post # 5
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
Your FI’s behavior would be enough to give me major cause for concern. He’s telling YOU to tell her you don’t want her there whaaat?! That is crazy. He needs to be the one to handle issues with her. Explain to him that you have no place in their issues, just like she has no place at your wedding. He needs to grow up and handle his own problems instead of trying to get you to do it. Does he often put her wishes before yours?
Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
To bring a bit of balance to the reply above: I can’t imagine marrying a man and becoming a step-mother if I didn’t have a relationship with that child’s mother that was stable and mature enough for me to invite her to the wedding, barring extraordinary circumstances of abuse or mental illness.
Post # 7
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
Your Fiance is out of line. He needs to deal with her, not you. I don’t care how good the relationship is with an ex, even if there is a child, you are entitled to your happy day without his ex wife there. I can’t even believe anyone is suggesting otherwise. It’s your wedding day, not some family get together or birthday party for the child where it might be understandable. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to have her there if you don’t want her there. Good grief.
Post # 8
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
You will be so busy the entire day, that her prescence at the wedding will probably not even be noticeable to you. I would allow it so my Fiance could have his son there if that is what it took. Given your Fiance should be the one to reach out to his ex and try to resolve the issue at hand first to see if he can get his son without her being there, but if not, just remember, you are marrying him, she isnt. He chose you and regardless it will be an amazingly special day for the two of you.
Post # 9
Member
31 posts
Newbee
FrenchToastnCoffee : We get his son every other weekend. So he is used to being with us overnight as well as spending time with his grandmother-who would be watching him. She has known about the wedding for months and knew that their son was going to be the ring bearer.
I do not want her there, but I don’t think I could cause the scene it would take to throw her out if she did show up. I wouldn’t want to put their son through the drama of a confrontation like that either. That is why I am trying to get this situation handled ahead of time. So things go as smoothly on our wedding day as can be expected.
I am going to hold my ground on her not being there. I don’t think she would be low enough to disclude her son from his daddy’s wedding just because she isn’t invited. I am thinking I might see if she would be willing to drop him off for pictures and the ceremony and then pick him up after. He doesn’t really need to be at rehearsal, I can practice with him the weekend before. I don’t have high expectations of him making it down the aisle anyways. He’s 3 and that can be an intimidating walk. Also don’t think he HAS to be at the reception if he can’t be there without his mom. Not necessarily the prime place for a toddler anyways.
Post # 10
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
spontoise : This was my feedback as well. The child is still very young, too, and lots of decisions are yet to be made about his life that will involve a lot of co-parenting. Like it or not OP, this woman is not just his ex, she’s his child’s mother.
Post # 11
Member
31 posts
Newbee
spontoise : I understand where you are coming from with this. We do get along when we interact, though I leave the majority of that to my Fiance since it is always regarding their son. I don’t necessarily care for her, just because of the things that she has done to my Fiance in order to have control over everything. This is just another example of her trying to be in control. I would understand having her there in any other circumstance that involved their son, because she is his mother and we do need to have a mature and stable relationship for his benefit. But this is my wedding day, whats supposed to be the BEST day of my life, and I don’t feel like I should be forced to share that too.
Post # 12
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee
Why didn’t you schedule the wedding for a weekend you guys have the kid, to avoid all of this?
Post # 13
Member
31 posts
Newbee
SLOBee : We did originally, but the venue double booked our date so we had to move it up a week.
Post # 14
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
I’m wondering why she even wants to go?? Surely it would be painful for her??
She might have underlying fears about you replacing her as both this man’s partner and also her son’s mother. A guess a step mum figure would be pretty threatening to someone whose whole life is probably this kid.
Its your FI’s job to talk to her. I agree it is not appropriate for his ex to go.
Post # 15
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee
annamarie92 : That’s a bummer! I’m with the other Bees who think your fiance should handle this. But I will say I don’t even really remember all of the guests who attended our wedding 2 years ago because the day was so busy. Granted, I wasn’t on the look out for an ex. But, if it means having his son at the wedding, you may not have a choice.