(Closed) Fiance's son held hostage for Wedding

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 61
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

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fromatoz :  I don’t usually say this, but:

YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

PREACH!!!!!!!!

 

Post # 62
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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allsmiles92 :  whoa…yeah. 7 months ago this guy was sexually assaulting OP. 3 months ago he was telling her he isn’t sure about the relationship and comparing her to exes and how much better they are than her (baby mama ex)? Not only that but he’s 24 and has been married before and engaged twice before?

Op definitely put your foot down. But not about the kid’s mom. Put your foot down about not marrying this loser. 

Post # 64
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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carolinabelle :  whoa.  suddenly I’m no longer confused as to how he acted in the origininal post.  Seems pretty in-character.

Post # 65
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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jcent :   Very very very well said. Every word! I absolutely agree that I too would never let my 3 year old attend an event with hundreds of people where his other parent will play a major role and not have the capacity to tend to him and to all his needs. And no, I wont let my child be tossed around between grandparents, aunts and uncles, who may be too busy; distracted, be drinking etc. Of course you think she is a control freak. I guess soon enough you will be a mother too and realise that being in control is part of the job. From her point of view he is going to an event with lots of stangers and a father who will be too busy to take care of him. Or do you prefer to have your Fiance stop in the middle of his vows to go comfort a fitting child? I think if she attends you have a better chance to have a peaceful wedding. 

Post # 66
Member
3353 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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annamarie92 :  like i said before, your fi’s ex is being extremely petty and clearly using the son as a way to punish your Fiance for getting re-married. still, you could have avoided this situation. if your venue double-booked, you should have told them they have to move the other couple because you can’t switch dates due to family reasons. or you have to switch in two weeks increments, etc. you still chose a date that was not your FI’s weekend, expecting you’d get the kid anyway. and while in an ideal world she would be a good person and gladly swap weekends with you, it’s also not exactly unexpected for ex’s to become super petty around re-marriages and use the kids as manipulation. so again, if having him in your wedding was a priority, you should have made the date for your wedding a priority, too.

Post # 67
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee

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cherrymyst :  I guess soon enough you will be a mother too and realise that being in control is part of the job

I’m sorry, this irks me to no end. Her points shouldn’t be devalued because she didn’t spit a kid out of her uterus yet. If anything, the DAD is the one who you should be harping on for being ok with HIS kid being bounced around to aunts, uncles, grandparents and not guilting the OP for being tossed in the middle of a situation that she doesn’t even want to be in– and THEN using the age old “well of course you don’t understand, you don’t even have kids!”

Post # 68
Member
11534 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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jcent :  This is so well written, and I agree.

I am a stepmom, and my DH’s first wife was not at our wedding. However, the two youngest of my stepchildren were 11 and 13 on our wedding day. In hindsight, I still feel bad for my younger stepdaughter, who was on her own too much that day, even though she was surrounded by extended family, including her older and younger siblings. 

Although I completely understand the OP’s feelings about this, and I definitely empathize with her, the problem is that there is no way that she or her Fiance can be 100 percent (or anywhere close to it) responsible for taking care of a three-year old child at their own wedding, because there will have to be too many competing priorities for them that day. My biggest concern was when the OP indicated that the grandmother could “help” take care of him. But, as MOG, she, too, will have distractions and responsibilities. Someone who is very close to this little boy must have as his or her number one job that day taking care of him and nothing else.

My ring bearer was my three-year-old nephew. His five-year-old sister and both of his parents were in my wedding. This did not go well at all. My parents ended up trying to take care of him in the front row, and my SIL had to leave the line of other bridesmaids several times during the ceremony to try to comfort and console my screaming nephew. 

OP,  would there be anyone else that is very close to your future stepson AND his mother whom the mother would trust completely to take care of her child at your wedding that day? Her own sister? Her best friend? Someone who babysits him regularly? Perhaps that may be a middle ground on which you all could settle that would leave your FI’s ex feeling more comfortable and would not require her presence at your wedding.

Post # 69
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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fromatoz :  Hm, I am sorry to irk you but unfortunately the truth is that nobody is trully prepared for the challenges of motherhood until they spew a kid out of their vagina or under any other circumstances become fully responsible for the life of a little human being. And seeing thebhistory of OPs Fiance he doesnt seem tk be the most trustworthy person. Yes he is the dad. And I bet thats part of his exes problem. 

Post # 70
Member
7155 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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annamarie92 :  Is your only reason that you don’t want her there is because she’s an ex and you’re worried about sharing your FI?

Honestly, you need to start this marriage off right.  If your stepson is not at your wedding, he will not blame his mother… he will blame you. Your Fiance will NOT spend the whole day with his son. 

Take this from someone who has a stepson and had his mother at our wedding.  My stepson wanted to be around us the whole time.  I included my stepson in the ceremony, presenting him with a dog tag/chain that says, “Marriage makes you family, but love makes you my son” with his name and the wedding date on it.  We also had a unity painting for the 3 of us.  I ALSO had a first dance with him, letting him pick out the song.  His mother was there the whole time, and took him after the wedding, which was nice, because we could celebrate with our friends late into the night. My DH did not spend any more time with his ex as he spent with any other guest.

This is your FI’s wedding as much as it is yours.  And this wedding will change his son’s life forever.  Tread carefully.

Post # 71
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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Brielle :  I think this is a great idea! Maybe he has a regular babysitter who could come and take care of him. That sounds like a really reasonable solution!

Post # 72
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee

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cherrymyst :  Good to know since I didn’t birth my stepkid that I can be totally rambunctious and flippant with their life! Whew, for a second there I thought that since I was a responsible step-parent that valued the happiness and health of the kid in my care, that I understood motherhood some.

I clean, I cook, I finance, I do the laundry, I stay up reading bedtime stories, I get embarassed when there’s a public meltdown, I give up my free time, any chance to pee in private, my spare bites of food, my tv shows, etc for my stepkid… kind of sounds like just regular parenting and motherhood to me!

BUT, since you so generously pointed out– that kid didn’t exit my body so all bets are off, folks! Time to P-A-R-T-Y!

Post # 73
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

You sound petty here. Why can’t she just come? What problem will it cause? Bc the mother of your step child is there? Really? Sounds like your fI has no issue with her attending. It’s important his son be there and if there’s something you can bend to make it happen I don’t understand why you wouldn’t. You are getting married. This child will be your family and his mother will be someone you must deal with forever. Make it work. 

Post # 74
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If your Fiance doesn’t stand up for you about something this obvious, then he’s not going to stand up for you later about other things that could be even worse.  Personally I would not have enough patience to marry a man who a) is namby-pamby enough to want to avoid conflicts at all costs even when it’s obviously his responsibility and/or b) doesn’t care about me all that much — Because if he did then he would be excited to marry me and your whole thing about you foreseeing your Fiance being with his son during the wedding instead of with you is just crazy to me.  Whether his ex is there or not, his focus should be on YOU on your wedding day. 

Post # 75
Member
10491 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Can we shift gears to the bigger issue that this dude is a scumbag and there should be no wedding in the first place?

 

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