Fiance's son held hostage for Wedding

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 91
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It sounds to me that she is playing chicken with you. Clearly she does not want to come to your wedding, she wants an excuse for her son not to go! Do you really think as an ex that she wants to see her ex marrying another guy?! Hell no. But she wants you to put your foot down and say no that she can’t come so she can withdraw her son as well. I say let her come and she probably won’t come and just drop her kid off. 

Post # 92
Member
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

The answer to the venue who wanted to move your date should have been a firm NO. Refund the deposit and find another venue or move it to a weekend the son is with you. She hasn’t been friendly or cooperative in the past and you expected her to be magically transformed when her ex married another woman? Please. You (and your Fiance, who is really the one who should be dealing with her, not you) set this up for disaster and now you are trying to blame her. Follow the custody arrangement and there wouldn’t be an issue. 

Post # 93
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

annamarie92 :  Speaking as a stepmother, this really sucks. We had to swap weekends so that DH’s 14 year old son could attend our ceremony, but fortunately his mum was OK with it (we swap weekends all the time based on both of our schedules) and she did NOT insist on coming to the wedding. I would have said a definite no to that, not because we hate each other, but because she has nothing to do with our relationship and our wedding. (I’m also petty AF and would have said to my husband, if your ex comes, let me know which of my exes I should sling an invite to and we’ll see how you feel about that.)

I very much subscribe to the theory of ‘your ex = your problem’. Basically, your Fiance should be handling all of this and should not be making you the bad guy. Get his mum to reassure her that her son will be taken care of, but do not send her an invite. If she tries to contact you about it, say “FI will be happy to discuss this with you”.

Post # 94
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

annamarie92 :  you both need couples therapy if you ever want to make this relationship work. This is harsh, but He doesn’t respect you, and I’d venture to say you have self esteem issues judging by your willingness to put up with his crap. 

Fiance and I are in couples therapy. Mostly for preventative work. But it’s helped us in every aspect for our relationship. It might help you guys figure out your coparenting situation too. 

In regards to the kid situation.. I was on your side before I read your past threads. Your Fiance doesn’t seem the most responsible. And I bet the ex realizes that. Can you guys hire a babysitter to stay with the child instead of the ex? Maybe have the sitter accompany the kid for photos and the ceremony? Then the ex can pick him up later. 

Post # 95
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

My sister is a step mom to a now 5 year old. Little guys mom remarried about 2 years ago. My sister and her SO were invited to the wedding, they took care of their son (and his half sister) during the reception and took them home after dinner. The bride was really happy that they were able to do that, leaving her more free to enjoy the day. They also work really hard on their relationship, which is so so important for their son. 

I really don’t understand why you think that having her there would make you the odd man out. As much as you guys (or FMIL) love the son, you will have so many things going on that it will be difficult with a 3 year old. Yes your husband will interact with the boy, but it’s odd to thinks it’s going to be the three of them together all day. I just can’t imagine that this is something that would actually ruin your day.

Honestly, for the sake of the kid, suck it up and play nice.

Post # 96
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

annamarie92 :  Tell your fiance that although you would love for his son to be there you will not invite his ex or try talking to her about this. If that means that his son cant come then so be it. If your fiance wants it bad enough he will talk his ex into letting the son come without her.  If not, then it will be just about you and him and no son and no ex. Your weddinh is the celebration of your love and union why the f should you have to invite his ex because of her ultimatum and have her snark all day at your happiness, f that shit.

Post # 97
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

annamarie92 :  this is your stepson. His mother will be in your life at family events involving him forever.  Your fiance wants to invite her,  he’s not dumping on you, he’s trying to get you to relent and agree to her coming to his/your wedding! He wants his child at his wedding. You’re a step mother now, your special day or not, it can’t be only about you any more….

Post # 98
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ElectroFish :  I’m glad it worked for your sister, but that doesn’t mean it was necessary for her to be there. I’ve been to two weddings of parents of young children (one of them a 3 year old), and in both cases they managed just fine without the ex there. It also would have been weird for the ex to be there all alone as these were relatively small weddings and (I believe) neither ex was in a relationship. 

For the OP, a compromise is for someone to drop the son at the ex’s (since she’s in town that weekend) after the ceremony and the photos. That makes sense because a 3 year old doesn’t need to be at the reception. It’d be pretty unreasonable of the ex to object to that.

Post # 99
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

echomomm :  100% agree. I’m a divorced and now re married mom. I didn’t want any issues with custody, so we planned the wedding on a date that was my weekend and ta da!! No issues. You had other options. Change venues, tell the venue that you can’t reschedule. Change to two weekends further on either end so that it was still your weekend… There were lots of choices beyond booking over the ex’s time. 

Honestly, for you and your Fiance to assume that the ex would work with you is a big assumption. It sounds like they have a disfunctional relationship anyway, so why didn’t you see this coming from a mile away? I think it’s great that you work with her, but legally, she doesn’t have to do squat to work with you. I deal with this with my ex all the time and while it sucks, it’s legally within her rights. I hear bees screaming that what she’s doing isn’t right or fair or whatever, but it is. It is the way custody plans work. That’s why they exist. It’s a harsh truth, but a real one. She has zero obligation to accommodate you and your wedding. Period.  

And then ignore the fact that she’s unwilling to work with you on the wedding dates and look at your relationship with your Fiance, I mean really? Why are you putting up with that? He’s treating you like garbage. You can and should do so much better than being told that his exes are better. I wouldn’t be signing up for a lifetime of that. 

Post # 100
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Are people ignoring the posts which have detailed that the OP’s Fiance is abusive? Did they stop and think that maybe his ex, who obviously lived with OP’s Fiance, knows a thing or two about him and how he reacts in certain situations, like stressful events like weddings? Would you want to leave your 3 year old in that situation? Especially when it seems like his behaviour is swept under the rug/ignored. Chances are he was just as abusive to his ex as he has been to the OP, maybe even more so because abuse often escalates after they “trap” their victim in marriage/kids. Also very telling that the abuser has convinced others, the OP included, that the ex was controlling. 

This is why you need to hear both sides of a story. I think there is a heap of information missing and bees have just latched onto their exes are evil bias which happens so often on here.

Sorry but at the end of the day the woman is well within her rights to withhold custody given that it is her weekend. It doesn’t matter if the OP and her Fiance have been accommodating in the past, that doesn’t mean the ex has to be.

 

Post # 101
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

j_jaye :  Amen for some sanity!! There are always 2 sides. She feels the need to protect her son and I’d be willing to wager that there’s good reason for it. 

My ex said I was jealous and controlling and just trying to get revenge on him. Well, not only was he emotionally abusive, he also drank heavily, drove drunk repeatedly and also was having an affair. I wasn’t being a controlling jealous bitch. I was trying to protect my daughter from his insanity. 

I’ve also been on the other side. I dated a guy who slung his ex’s name through the mud to me. And while yes, she had issues, I clearly saw why after a while. He was a freaking lunatic and made me feel like a crazy person. 

There are always two sides. OP, this sounds like a hot mess of a situation. I really hope you take a step back and reevaluate. 

Post # 102
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It sounds, from past posts, like your Fiance is an asshole. From this thread, where you say that he is putting everything on you to manage with the ex, it sounds like he’s a chickenshit asshole.

I think your desire that the ex not be at your wedding is a valid one, for whatever reason. I also doubt your FI’s son will remember being at the wedding and he won’t care much on the day of.

I would:

1- take a moment to reevaluate whether or not marriage to a 24 year old chickenshit asshole who seems to cycle through intense relationships at a furious pace was really how I wanted to spend the next few years of my life.

2- Time the 3 year old’s attendance for pictures and ceremony only and then he can depart with his mother and you and your new husband can enjoy the reception as a new family unit and your stepson will be safe with his mother.

3- if you haven’t done so already, make sure you have a place that you are stashing some money this guy doesn’t know about. He sounds like the kind of person a woman would need a hidden fund to escape from one day.

Post # 103
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

annamarie92 : my dad and stepmom actually had their wedding weekend, rehearsal, dress fittings, etc. built into our custody court order when my sister and I were kids. My mother broke the court order, took us out of state, and the only thing my dad and step mom could do was put out a bench warrant for my mom’s arrest. Being that my stepmom didn’t want my (psychotic) mother to think she “won,” so they let it go and my sister and I weren’t able to be flower girls. My mom is a bitch and I still resent her for this (and other things)

Post # 104
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

corinnemmm :  +1 on the custody arrangement. Just be careful because if she breaks this arrangement, the only option you have is to put a bench warrant out for her arrest/sue her for lost money (this is speaking from knowing what my dad and stepmom went through when my mom broke the court order). At the end of the day, they didn’t want to put my sister and I through watching our mother get arrested, but she would have deserved it

Post # 105
Member
12119 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

j_jaye :  Agreed. While I understand the OP not wanting the ex-wife there on her wedding day, I suspect my sympathies in the situation with the 3 year old would be with the ex-wife. From OP’s prior thread:

“I tell him he’s a 5 year old all the time. I generally am the one to take care of his son, because that is what his son prefers. He’s used to his mom caring for him most of the time, so when we have him he just naturally clings to me.”

With all the background from the prior threads,  it’s no wonder the mother of this small child is as nervous as hell about leaving him at a large event like a wedding, where the only person who actually watches her son is busy getting married. 

If I hadn’t read all that my compromise suggestion would have been to hire a professional nanny to care for  the little boy at the wedding and to allow the mom to pick him up after the ceremony, photos, and perhaps a brief time at the reception. 

But having read what I’ve read, my advice is that the OP should not marry this person at all. He’s disrespectful and abusive.

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