(Closed) Fiance's son held hostage for Wedding

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 106
Member
11139 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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annamarie92 :  

Whoa.  Now I remember this guy.  He sexually assaults you in your sleep and verbally abuses you.  What a peach.  He insists on waking you up at night despite your repeatedly telling him not to.  You were told, correctly, that sleep deprivation has been classified as a form of torture.

And you’re going to marry him?

His ex may be onto something here.  There is no doubt in my mind that he abused her as well.  This explains his pattern of intense relationships and broken engagements.

Is there anything we could say or do that would cause you to take a step back and consider a postponement?  I completely agree with the PP who suggested you spend some time in therapy to discover why this kind of treatment is acceptable to you.

Post # 107
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee

Déjà vu. There was a thread very similar to this not long ago.

1. The use of the word “hostage” in your thread title is overdramatic and incredibly insensitive to people who have in fact been held hostage. F*ck that noise.

2. The son attending or not attending is the least of your worries. I think you need to concentrate more on the issues in your relationship and why you even want to marry this Class A jerk. THAT is where you should be focussing your energy. He sounds like a nutjob. Why do you even want to marry him? I’m genuinely curious.

Post # 108
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

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annamarie92 :  I know you had to reschedule the weekend, but she should realize if this had been on YOUR weekend, you would have had him for visitation and she wouldn’t be there, so whats the difference??  Hope it works out.

 

Post # 109
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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sassy411 :  +1000 

Everything about this post. I only hope OP listens. 

I’m also wondering too if the ex wants to accompany her son for the weekend for valid reasons. Does this guy have a habit of drinking too much &/ or getting out of control? Even if he’s never harmed the little boy physically, it’s still damaging for a young child to witness volatile or unpredictable behaviour. Possibly the ex worries about visitation as it is and actually hopes that YOUR presence on the weekends is beneficial (as in having a more even keel, reasonable adult present) but that you’ll be too understandably distracted on your wedding weekend. Because truly most women wouldn’t want to be at an ex’s wedding- it’s bound to feel awkward. Maybe she IS thinking of her little boy in wanting to come. 

Post # 110
Member
6929 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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annamarie92 :  OP, I know this is difficult to hear, but I feel like you’re not seeing the forest for the trees here. Please take the time to read all these responses. 

Post # 111
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

So, to sum up from this and your prior posts:

 

  • Guy sexually assaults you.
  • Guy uses sleep deprivation to control and manipulate you.
  • Guy does not respect your boundaries.
  • Guy does not take care of his own son. 
  • Guy tells you to deal with his ex.
  • Guy is only 24/25 and now has been engaged three times, and is going into his second marriage.

I have a solution for you. Don’t marry the guy. Problem about ex coming to wedding is now solved.   

 

Post # 112
Member
10486 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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RayKay :  Preach!

Post # 113
Member
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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RayKay :  You forgot “guy name calls her and tells her how much better his ex is.” 

This is the 3rd time he’s been engaged and will be the 2nd time he’s been married and he told me that he is more unsure of our relationship than he has been of any relationship he’s ever been in. He’s told me I’m the most horrible human being he’s ever met and said some very hurtful things comparing me to his ex wife in a light that she was so much better than I am.”


Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-do-you-get-hurtful-words-out-of-your-heart/#ixzz4e33tGn00

Post # 114
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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weddingmaven :  While some guys get engaged quickly because they’ve fallen head over heels in love and are romantic and impulsive – there are also guys who want to become engaged quickly before you figure out the crazy and run. Also to control you. OP your guy is clearly in category B here, please listen to the help you’ve asked for even if it’s not what you hoped to hear. 

p.s. If you’re planning on having kids OP, don’t expect this guy to suddenly man up and be great dad material after witnessing how irresponsible and uninterested he is with his little son. You’re already the little guy’s main caregiver when your fiance has him, men rarely change when you marry them, if anything he’s liable to become worse. 

Post # 115
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

To be honest it sounds like his ex isn’t wanting to go to spite you…it sounds like she wants to protect her kid from his awful dad. I’d drop the hate b**** you have for her and turn it on your Fiance where it really belongs. 

Post # 116
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

OMG OP – ignore my prior comments. I didn’t know the backstory.  Please reconsider your plans to marry this person.

Post # 118
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You don’t NEED to be made out to be the bad person for him to get stuff done.  You’re going to be his wife and he supposed to be by your side not throw you under the bus.  He is being ridiculous.  That seems like a fair compromise to me.  You really need to think about if you want this or not given his past history. 

Post # 119
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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annamarie92 :  I don’t understand how anything about your update shows that he is a changed/better person. He sounds so immature and can’t take responsibility for anything. If you refuse to cancel the wedding, you honestly should at least postpone it. He sounds like an overgrown child! How is him villanizing you in this situation any different than those awful things he said to you a few months ago? SERIOUSLY Bee – this is a terrible idea!

Post # 120
Member
10486 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

So basically your Fiance hasn’t changed at all because he is STILL choosing to use you as a fall guy to save face to his ex-wife. I know its hard to see someone in a bad light when you love them, I get it, I really do. But I really don’t think he is as reformed as you think judging by your last update.

 I would also like to point out that your Fiance is a 25 year old man and has been the way he is for his entire life. The likelyhood of him becoming an entirely new person (which is what it would take for him to not be a POS) is extremely slim. He might make minor changes for the short term but he’s always going to revert back to what he is.

Just because he’s changed the method of waking you up the problem still remains, he’s still doing the exact same thing but now in a manner you will feel guilty about being upset over. He’s smart and he’s manipulating the shit out of you.

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