Fiance's son held hostage for Wedding

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 121
366 posts
Helper bee

It seems insane to me that she would WANT to attend her ex husband’s wedding. What’s wrong with her? I imagine that would be so awkward for everyone there. 

Post # 122
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

So here’s the situation from your update. You’ve described sexual assault as an *extreme issue*, this happened all of a few months ago but a couple retreats and church intervention have magically fixed things? Mkay. He’s an irresponsible grown man who has issues taking care of his own CHILD. What does that tell you about any future kids you may have together? His way of handling things with his ex was making you a villain. And any of this is acceptable WHY? Frankly I don’t think either of you are mature enough to get married, to each other or anyone else. I don’t understand any of this nonsense and you’ll have enough people here handling you with kid gloves but I’m not that one. He’s a LOSER. Nothing you’ve said makes him sound at all appealing let alone marriage material. Leave him the hell alone and get yourself some individual counseling. 

Post # 123
572 posts
Busy bee

This thread is stressing me out. Where are your friends? Has no one said the words to you? good grief! this guy is an immature dick. run, girl, run. IDKW more you need. all the red flags are there. big. red. flags. Don’t jump on the baby train either, because when you get the balls to dump this douchebag, before or after marriage, you’ll be able to cut the cord entirely (versus wife #1) This guy is burning through GFs, FIs and wives, faster than I update my cell phone.  And he’s in his early 20’s?? !!!      no. no. no. this is not going to end happily ever after. Practice some self love!!


Post # 124
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think it is GREAT you guys have been working on the issues in counseling. However, he hasn’t been going to counseling long enough and you guys haven’t been together long enough for you to be getting married. What is the rush to get married?

You guys clearly have had issues so why not work those out first and then get married? Just seems like it would save you alot of heartache and headaches in the future.

Post # 125
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

annamarie92 :  “He did make me out to kind of be the villian to his ex, but if thats what has to happen I’m fine with it.”

What?!?! No that is not “what has to happen.” That just IS what’s happening because your Fiance is a man-child. 

Post # 126
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

annamarie92 :  So you’re OK with your Fiance throwing you under the bus?  What you see now is what you’re going to get for the rest of your life.

You’re allowing yourself to be treated like crap by this man-child.  Please have some self respect and get out.

I feel sorry for his child.

Post # 127
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

annamarie92 :  

Aren’t you *exhausted* by all of this melodrama created by your Fi?

Just reading it wore me out. The entire relationship sounds thoroughly exhausting.  Bee, it’s not supposed to be this hard.

As for his abusiveness, a little counseling and a couple of retreats didn’t fix it.  It will resurface, probably worse.  That’s the typical pattern, abusers escalate when they feel more secure in the relationship.

I’m a little sad that you’re plowing ahead with this train wreck.  Mostly, I’m concerned about that little boy.

Post # 128
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

annamarie92 :  I agree with others. I’m exhausted just reading about this relationship! I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to be living it!

Bee, you can’t have been with this guy for too long. He has a 3-year old with another woman so I’d assume the longest you could possibly have been together is 3 years. 3 years and it’s already this much of a shit show. It’s not supposed to be this crazy and difficult this soon. Are you seriously happy with the idea of signing up for this for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!?!

Post # 129
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m surprised this asshole even gets every other weekend with his son. He sounds completely irresponsible & negligent. If I was the mom I wouldn’t want him to have any unsupervised visitation…the only victim here is the poor little boy. 

Post # 130
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ok I have only read two pages so keep that in mind. She is going to be at this childs graduation, wedding, birth of children – everything.  Like it or not you are now a unit that incudes her.  Why not share your wonderful day with the people that you will be dealing with on a regular basis for your whole life with him?  What excatly will be ruined for you by her seeing him make vows to you, promise to love you forever, watch how stunning you look coming down the aisle, see you dance your first dance?  None of this is a plus for her or a negative for  you! If anything it solidifies that you are the new step mother.  You are going to have her in your family for as long as his son is alive.  Why not start out that new life on the right foot as a cohesive unit?

Her being there will ruin nothing for you.  As a matter of fact it should only strenthen your bond with your husband.  You say you get along with her.  Not liking things she has done to him is childish in the scheme of things.  I don’t dislike any  of my fiances exes because they were not good to  him.  As a matter of fact that just made me look even better.  Reconsider. 

Post # 131
1516 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

mnl2017 :  You should keep reading.

Post # 132
9805 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mnl2017 :  Read backwards on this thread.

OP, you are wise enough to realize that he’s only going to be on his best behavior and “change” until you are legally married, right? I guarantee as soon as you’re trapped he will go back to treating you like crap.

Post # 133
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Reading this makes me want to cry. Bee, you deserve so much better. Where are your friends to tell you that there are so many red flags? Someone who could do the things he’s done to you does not love you. His actions speak louder than words. Listen to them.

A couple of months of counseling isn’t going to change him long-term. Give him a chance to prove he has changed. If he has, he’ll be able to prove it to you, you can have your ceremony and his son will be old enough to remember the special day. At the very least, postpone the wedding for now. What’s the rush for now? All he wants is to control you, and have you so you can’t escape. He’s abusive and controlling and if anything it will get worse.


I don’t want you becoming another statistic.

Post # 134
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

annamarie92 :  tell him to grow a pair and stop throwing you under the bus. 


Post # 135
8308 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

mnl2017 :  

“Ok I have only read two pages so keep that in mind.” You say that like its something  we should be impressed by ! When a thread reaches 9 pages, it’s advisable to read it all all before commenting….

Oh and OP , I am so sad for you . I just read , among  other things,  your proposal thread   where it seems to me you are living in a kind of dream, where being engaged to your Fiance is a romantic exciting time which will in culminate in marrying him and living HEA.

Everyone, absolutely everyone here fears for your happiness , peace of mind  and even safety. If only I thought it would make any diffference …… 

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