Fiance\'s unwillingness to talk about our future- having second thoughts?

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

How often are you having wedding/future conversations?

Post # 4
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

You can’t plan a wedding or a marriage by only focusing on the present.  He needs to open his mouth and use his words and tell you what is on his mind.  I woudl be having second thoughts, too, if this is his perspective.

Have you had discussions about the future before?  Have you talked about kids, when and how many?  Have you talked about where you want to live in the near future, and maybe in the distant future?  Have you talked about religion and how you will raise the kids?  Have you talked about finances and planning for buying a house, or how you will pay off student loans, or how you will manage money when you are married?

If you haven’t talked about the future like that, I’d be very concerned about marrying.  You should be able to have open communication.  He shouldn’t be shutting you down when you want to talk about anything! 

Post # 5
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The last thing you want to do is start plunking down cash on non refundable deposits only to have him change his mind and not want to get married.  So….stop all further planning and get to the bottom of this.  

It would be foolish to go forward with planning a wedding when clearly there’s something wrong.  So have a come to Jesus talk with your SO.  This is not where you ask “hey what’s wrong” but more like, “Its clear something’s wrong and I refuse to plan a wedding when you’re acting the way you’re acting….so why don’t we act like adults and have an honest conversation?”

You don’t let him blow you off…..Make this your dealbreaker bee.  Either a discussion or no wedding.  Prepare yourself beforehand so you can deal with hearing things you might not want to hear.

Good luck

 

Post # 8
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Tell him you can’t plan a wedding if there’s no groom on board! 

Post # 9
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Tell him no answer isn’t an answer. Tell him if he is having trouble communicating what his issue is with planning a wedding than you will sign you both up for pre- marital counseling. But him telling you to stay in the present for no reason isn’t ok and won’t be tolerated. 

The purpose of getting engaged is to plan a wedding, together. He needs to say what’s going on with him or accept counseling. Biggest point here being, don’t keep going around and around with no solution. When you need help you ask for it. Just shuffling along with no solution is asking for a breakup. 

Post # 10
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

It’s definitely a red flag that he shut down about wedding planning after the engagement. Him telling you to focus on the present is kind of condescending. If he’s just tired of talking about linens and tulle he should just say so, but that’s clearly not the case. You have the right idea here. So sorry about this.

Post # 11
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

What exactly is going on in the present that he wants to focus on?  Is he confused on how long it takes to plan a wedding?  Maybe he doesn’t realize that you have to pick a venue and a dress almost a year in advance, if not longer for some venues?  Is he upset about the size or cost of the wedding? 

Maybe you could ask him those questions to help get the ball rolling on why he wants to focus on the present.  Trying to give him the beneift of the doubt that he might have thought getting engaed didn’t mean instant wedding planning.  But he needs to articulate that if that is his issue and he’s just surprised that you are planning “already.”  And he needs to learn that you are planning because there won’t be a wedding without planning.  And ask him if he is having second thoughts about getting married. 

 

Post # 12
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

avah :  When did you guys get engaged? Maybe he wants to enjoy the engagement. I remember I person once told me “Just remember Keviah12 to step back and enjoy your engagement together”. Maybe that’s what he is talking about with focus on the present. It kind of makes sense. A lot of times we kind of forget to live in the moment and rush to focus on the future. 

Post # 13
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Could finances be a  concern? 

Thankfully, Darling Husband and I are well off, but his main question to everything was, “how much?” 

I found myself talking about our wedding constantly, he brought this up and we designated a date night once a week where there would be zero talk about the wedding – it worked for us. (we didn’t live together and saw each other maybe 2-3x/week. 

If you haven’t set a date yet, don’t dive in deep with the planning just yet. 

But keep a record of your gut feelings, your Fiance shouldn’t be shying away discussing your future together. 

Post # 14
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

That is completely unacceptable. It’s time for an ultimatum.

Sit him down and demand answers. No weaseling his way out. This is such bullshit.

I suspect he doesn’t want to marry you 

Post # 15
Member
6660 posts
Bee Keeper

Discussion of your future together is about a great deal more than just wedding planning–if he won’t participate in any of it let him know that you can’t plan a future with a man who won’t be part of the conversation. I’d be concerned, too, Bee. 

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